Maybe I was being overdramatic yesterday, maybe not. I don’t know.
All I know is I’m really hurt. My heart aches, litterally. I can feel its pain.
What happened? Well, firstly. ofcourse, I’ve been struggling. A lot.
I wrote my WAMM series after I got back from Cuba. So they were pre-edited. The past 2 weeks however have been really hard and I’ve really let things ‘get to me’ again. Let it compromise my newly found me and my rediscovered love for life.
And it looks like my Malaysia plans might be falling through.
And Uni is sucking. Mostly because I’ve let me/ED compromise things again, and it’s in my way of functioning top-notch.
And this is all just self-pitied whining, because as I was feeling shit and like I was letting things get the best of me again and helpless and not knowing how to turn things back around (again!) something else happened…
A (new) friend of mine was diagnosed with a shit-ass disease. Things are getting worse high speed and…
BAMM.
You know?
In your face!
He’s this big, long haired, tough, motorcycle guy. And then he ends up in my arms, crying. That hurts.
That hurts even more if you’ve been (pre)occupied feeling sorry about your own life.
Having someone being diagnosed with something that will end up being the death of him, well, puts things into perspective to say the least. He’s loving life. He’s a loving guy. He’s really special. And here I am, after having wasted so much life already, still struggling and fucking up, while he is running out of time.
Now tell me, how is this all fair?
How is it fair for me to breakdown into a self-pitied pile of mess because things are ‘feeling shit’ and ‘hard’, while a friend, who is full of life and love and adventure, simultaneously finds out he’s suffering a lethal disease?
How is it fair for me to fuck up and ‘waste life’, as if it’s a cheap and common commodity without any value, while others are running out and are unable to obtain more?
How is it fair for life to be wasted on sorry people like me?
So yeah, that’s sort of what’s going on in my brain at the moment. And I know that it’s not like I can trade places and that I’m being an emo etc. but… Yeah.
It’s.just.NOT.FAIR.
THE WORLD OF CHAOS IN MY HEAD 
You can’t compare what you’re going through to other fatal diseases lovely. You can’t be mad at yourself for feeling what you feel, because someone else is going through worse. It’s not the problem that it’s “worse” it’s that it’s entirely different.
When I went through my last crisis, before this one, I signed up to be an organ donor, because I knew that there are people worse off in this world, with what I consider “real” problems, and I was here all not dealing with my life despite not going through that.
You can’t compare the two, you really can’t, and you can’t be mad at yourself for feeling the way you do, or for having an ED or whatever because it makes everything worse.
The only thing you can do, is be there for your friend, and be you, and that’s what it sounds like he needs right now.
Just look at it this way, if someone came up to you right now, crying, and upset, and in despair, and they told you why, but it wasn’t as big as what you were going through, you wouldn’t think badly of them would you? You wouldn’t say, “Well, it’s not like you’re going through what I’m going through”. You’d comfort them, everyone needs comfort, your friend and you included.
Don’t hate on yourself. You’re too special and lovely for that.
Intellectually I know you’re right. I would have said the exact same thing. And yet, still, it hurts. Physically. My throat closes up. My heart aches. This is not fair. And I know life isn’t fair, but this was a very hard blow to the nose, if that makes any sense.
I hope you’re okay too love
*HUGZ*
I know it doesn’t seem ” fair”. But remember – YOU are no less important than him. yes, he’s loving life and is running out of time, but at least he’s EXPERIENCED loving life. Take this as a sign for you to do the same. Life is not to be wasted, no matter how shitty it gets .. pick yourself up and live your life the way he loved his. That’s the best gift you could probably give him. That his life meant something to someone and helped give YOU life…. What’s NOT fair would be to realise all this.. and continue to let yourself slip into despair. Fight on, sort out your uni stuff first ( and no, don’t use ED to cope- I know its tempting.. it’s how I used to cope with it too….) and .. about malaysia? plans are just plans. where one door shut, another one opens, and heck, worse come to worse, there are windows to crawl out off.. just have to keep prodding to find an opening, yea? :D
I know you mean well Min.. But.. That’s exactly my point; how is this fair? You just emphasized that I should now ‘thus’ love life as well. To pick myself up. To stop letting myself slip. But I don’t (always) have that power. Thats why I wasted 2 years of precious life already and am still not fully making use of it. Because I have an ED. So how is it fair that this is given to me (‘life’, I mean) and not to him?
dear my love sooz,
we are all teachers. we are all lessons. fairness need not apply.
you did not ask for what you received. your friend did not ask for what he received. but you’ve both received something (life) and realize your existences have been compromised (whether currently or continually).
this is all we can do: feel gratitude and offer support through empathy. the human struggle is difficult. it often makes no sense. to sort out why will offer nothing but unanswered questions and unmitigated sorrow. celebrate life the best way you can, despite being in the face of death and uncertainty. celebrate it to the best of your abilities, in whatever given moment or attitude. honor and cherish your time now, not the times you anticipate.
holding tight to things and people and situations hurts. the world’s sorrows cannot be your own. it’s too much to carry, especially alone. sooz, you too are a beautiful creature. if you’re breaking, you most definitely deserve an ear for listening.
and i really just want to point out that falling back on “ED” ways is not a bad thing. please do not at all for onesinglesecond reprimand yourself for any one action you deem “bad”. nothing is good, nothing is bad, my love. you recognize your behavior. furthermore, you recognize how deeply sown in this issue is. these negative self-soothing devices are not who you are — they’re what you learned to rely on. it’s your body/mind/spirit’s first initial response to stress. and that’s okay.
we all react to stress in different ways. you’re learning how to cultivate the positive ways. and you’re doing a supreme job. you’re wickedly inspirational — LOOK HOW FAR YOU’VE COME.
the power in recognition and of acceptance stretches far. you’ve learned so much — you know how to pull yourself back from the abyss (so to speak). extend those loving, helpful arms you offered your friend to yourself. know how far you’ve come. little “slip ups” are normal. perfection does not exist. take a deep breath, settle your mind, and find the best ways to cope, for you.
i am so sorry life is feeling like chaos right now. i am so sorry about your friend. seek out the miracles for a little light and know i am always, always here if you need to climb out of your head.
much, much love for you and to you.
zoe
What did I ever do to deserve you
Thank you, so much
*hugz* hope things are looking a bit better for you, sooz!
Sooz, life IS unfair.
I totally disagree that you are a sorry person. You are AMAZING. You inspire so many of us. You are alive, so alive, in every word you share and your wisdom and heart reach many across the world.
You’ve had more than your fair share of struggle.
And our brains are organs like heart, like skin, like liver, like any other organ in our bodies. Our brains can get sick, too. We don’t blame someone for getting a heart disease or a liver disease. We shouldn’t blame someone for getting a brain disease. A mental illness.
You have been fighting so hard, and for so long, and so bravely. You have not wasted your life at all. You have every right to be here.
Your friend is here for a reason. He is sick for whatever reason fate has in store for him. And that sucks so badly – it’s so horrible and yes, unfair. But it’s not unfair that he’s dying and you are not – that is not at all a fair comparison to make. You have every right to be here and to live life as he has, and you have fought hard and earned your right to be here.
My heart goes out to you and your friend – I’m so, so sorry. *hugs*
Hugs aren’t even enough. You’ve reached out so much to me, from across the world, if ONLY I could comfort you now, in some real way.
I’m so sorry, I’m here for you if you need to talk xoxoxox
Thats what we humans, and me especially, tend to do a lot though; compare. Its how we make sense of the world. And this is just so unfair. I know life is not fair, nobody ever said it would be. But this is just such a harsh reminder.
Thank you for your kind words. I know even he would tell me the same thing.
I ask all the time, WHY? Why does it have to be unfair, why does so much bad stuff happen to good people?
When my dad got cancer and was dying, I raged at God, at life, at everything. RAGED. How could my dad, one of the best men around, a really good man – have to die so painfully and when he had so much left he wanted to do in life? Why not someone who wasn’t a good person? It just wasn’t fair and made no sense to me.
But in the last few weeks, as I spent nearly every moment at his bedside.. I felt something happening around me that I’ve never been able to describe using words. It truly felt as though there were unseen but definite CYCLES all around me. LIFE cycles. All of us having ours, everything in our world having it’s own cycle. And I felt my dad’s life cycle, coming to an end. Completing the circle. It felt right. As painful as awful as it was, it felt right. And not just that, when he died, I felt like he stopped and then I felt him continue on, start again, something new, not here, I felt him embark on his new journey. Felt him slowly moving away. It tugged at my heart, broke my heart, the further I felt him go, but again, it was meant to be. And I knew that he was okay, too, and whereever he was, he was happy and at peace and pain free. That he’d achieved what he was put here to achieve even if that hadn’t been what HE thought it was.
Sorry for waffling.. just wanted to share. HUGS to you and your friend xxx
Im so happy you felt that peace; that you have this comfort. Something to fall back on later as well
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