Maybe I was being overdramatic yesterday, maybe not. I don’t know.
All I know is I’m really hurt. My heart aches, litterally. I can feel its pain.
What happened? Well, firstly. ofcourse, I’ve been struggling. A lot.
I wrote my WAMM series after I got back from Cuba. So they were pre-edited. The past 2 weeks however have been really hard and I’ve really let things ‘get to me’ again. Let it compromise my newly found me and my rediscovered love for life.
And it looks like my Malaysia plans might be falling through.
And Uni is sucking. Mostly because I’ve let me/ED compromise things again, and it’s in my way of functioning top-notch.
And this is all just self-pitied whining, because as I was feeling shit and like I was letting things get the best of me again and helpless and not knowing how to turn things back around (again!) something else happened…
A (new) friend of mine was diagnosed with a shit-ass disease. Things are getting worse high speed and…
In your face!
He’s this big, long haired, tough, motorcycle guy. And then he ends up in my arms, crying. That hurts.
That hurts even more if you’ve been (pre)occupied feeling sorry about your own life.
Having someone being diagnosed with something that will end up being the death of him, well, puts things into perspective to say the least. He’s loving life. He’s a loving guy. He’s really special. And here I am, after having wasted so much life already, still struggling and fucking up, while he is running out of time.
Now tell me, how is this all fair?
How is it fair for me to breakdown into a self-pitied pile of mess because things are ‘feeling shit’ and ‘hard’, while a friend, who is full of life and love and adventure, simultaneously finds out he’s suffering a lethal disease?
How is it fair for me to fuck up and ‘waste life’, as if it’s a cheap and common commodity without any value, while others are running out and are unable to obtain more?
How is it fair for life to be wasted on sorry people like me?
So yeah, that’s sort of what’s going on in my brain at the moment. And I know that it’s not like I can trade places and that I’m being an emo etc. but… Yeah.