Pick me up

Just over a month ago I……..

– Ate regularly, stressed little
– Weighed more, wore a smaller size (or, two sizes smaller, to be exact)
– Smiled more, worried less
– Sang and danced all day, never whined
– Was always curious and explorative, never social phobia-backed out
– Ate when hungry, stopped when full
– Never denied myself anything, always in for spontaneous adventures

Right now? Turn ’em all around. How the FUCK did things escalate this quickly?

I feel utterly lost being back in the Netherlands. I realize more and more how University pulls me down. I don’t like the atmosphere, I don’t like my courses, I don’t like the people and I don’t like freezing under self-made stress. I am not motivated, stimulated or excited to do any of this. I am closing off from the Big Bad World again, bingeing as if it’s my sole life purpose and generally feeling incredibly down.

The post-travel blues combined with the ever-so-shitty January blues hit hard, and I should have tried a re-do of my previous February positivity challenge (which I recommend you re-read as well, and tell me if you give it a go again!).

I know I need to pick myself back up, and I’ve done some feeble attempts at it, staying with my resolution of saying more ‘yes’ to things and going out more. And it’s helped, when I managed to actually go through with it and enjoy the moment. But I snap back into zombie-mode immediately after.

This weekend’s post was all I could come up with to explain how I feel. I hate how I know someone else can help me get my shit together, and I hate it even more that I know it’s not a long-term solution. I’m okay, even good, when he’s here; it helps me with routine and general calm- and happiness. But the moment he leaves I am back at square one. I need to do this myself, but I am very aware that I’ve been trying just that for years now. It hasn’t worked before, so how should it now? Yet I don’t want to give in to the temptation of letting someone else temporarily fix me. It wouldn’t be healthy, nor would it be fair.

I need a kick up the arse, and a hefty one while I’m at it. Aye, we’ve heard that one before, haven’t we? Any volunteers?

Q: What do you do to get out of a slump? What are your pick-me-ups? How do you find your mojo back?

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A Positive Month; Day 20

Warning; this is a long & emotional challenge-post again!

I enjoy my morning routine, I enjoy sunsets and sunrises. I love the idea of mindfully greeting the day as a positive kickstart. But for today, I want you to think about the following;

20.       Say thanks for today

I don’t mean this light-heartedly.

I know this entire month of challenges is about emphasizing all the (sometimes very mundane) positive things in life. About incorporating the awareness of them into your daily thought. To try to be mindful about all the amazing things life has to offer.

But let’s be honest here; there’s still crap-ass days. I’m pretty sure even the most positive of positive people still have those bleurgh-days. Those days where, after a few minutes, you already realize you should just go back to bed and wake up again tomorrow. When external forces move you out of balance, be it the flu, someone else’s health, a traffic jam so you miss your (very important) meeting, spilling coffee over your favourite (white!) shirt, or whatever. And most of the time, these are the days where I end up in destruction mode. I binge.

Wow, did I just write that?

When everything fails, I (naturally) feel like I’m the failure. And when I cannot control what happens, I will grab something I can control.

I grab food.

As an anorexic, I would ‘choose’ to not eat. But that only has an effect in the long run. Starvation (helpfully) makes you numb. But it’s not like one day of not eating makes an (ex)anorexic feel like a champ and in control. So one day of failure doesn’t call for such ‘long-term measures’ (heya, don’t even try and think it’s actually a fix  for anything y’all!). So I grab the short-term measure; I binge.

Bingeing has now become my way to close myself off from the world. This is nothing new, because it is exactly what anorexia served for as well. Now, those (notsovery)blissful hours I stand hovering above the sink, face planted in the fridge, shoving everything in arms’ reach into my mouth are the moments I forget everything else going on in my life. Those deadlines, the letter of rejection, the bills, that fight I just had, whatever. They all disappear as long as I stuff them away with everything in sight; I drown my emotions with food. I am numb, again.

And then the beating up starts. I didn’t just fail the day, I failed anorexia. But mostly so; I failed myself. Again. I am worthless, a sorry piece of shit, look at what I have become! I cry, I shout, I scream, I run back to the fridge. This continues for hours before I force myself into bed, unable to sleep because of the heat rushes, the bouncing heart, the pain in my belly, the pain in my joints for hovering over the kitchen counter for hours like a hunchback gone mad, and the head-ache from the crying and the insults. I wasted yet another precious day of this glorious life. I fall asleep feeling like the biggest failure on earth.

Say thank you for today? Ha! You’ve got to be kidding me, right?

Wrong.

I am not the biggest failure on earth. Neither are you. There’s no such thing. Nobody’s perfect, yet we all are. But nobody deserves to go to bed feeling like the biggest failure on earth. Nobody deserves to go to bed feeling hate or hated. Or both. Both directed at yourself, even. Today wasn’t a waste. You are not a waste.  Today was a day to be thankful for, today had a lesson to draw from. Today was a gift, like any and every other day. You are a gift. You are to be thankful for.

So however blue, unfair, failed or miserable the day has felt thus far, and however blue, failed or miserable you have felt; turn it around before you call it a night. Don’t beat yourself up. Take a moment to sit, to process, to accept and to redirect. To close it off with a twist. Open yourself up to what today was really about. What is one day, anyway? One day doesn’t make imbalance, one day doesn’t make failure. Today was what it was, and tomorrow is a fresh start, as every morning is. So take your time to say thanks for today, to say thanks for yourself for making it through, and say thanks to yourself for being you. Because you’re pretty darn awesome. You are pretty darn capable, lovable and worthy. And today had quite some silver linings. Tomorrow, focus on some positive things around you again, because there are so many. Allow yourself to wake up peacefully again, without judgement. Without judgement to the new day, and without judgement to yourself. Allow the day to bloom, allow yourself to blossom.

P1090030

Sweet dreams :)

+ Can you consciously register and share five things that made today good or even just a littl better? Sights, people, things, smiles, just… stuffs?

*Picture is mine, please keep it that way

Funny, no?

I rarely ever write this, but please, if you are sensitive to triggers, skip this one.

Do you know that moment where you binge for three days (and nights) straight? The moment where your new, biggest desire is no longer to lose a few pounds but to go to sleep and not wake up ever again? Or if you do, to never do it again and from tomorrow live perfectly happily and healthily and with that goal immediately setting yourself up for disappointment and therefore disaster again?

Do you know that moment where, for three days (and nights), you eat two bananas and drink liters of coffee to keep you warm and going?

Do you know that moment where the cold and misery of restriction so curiously changes into mad-happiness, alertness and over excitement?

Do you know that moment where you walk home, swearing to not do anything ‘stupid’ (read; eat) when you come home, and somehow find yourself at the check-out  holding a full bag of ‘groceries’ (binge favs) you really don’t want?

Do you know that moment where you get those ‘groceries’ from the counter, and almost fall over because your balance is completely off due to the fact you haven’t eaten in days?

And the moment where your face is covered in pimples again? Because even though some people may say and believe pimples are caused by eating chocolate, not eating chocolate (and anything else), ironically, does just that too?

Oh my, oh my. Has the past week been a rollercoaster ride..

I wish I could say those silly eating disordered behaviours and thoughts are in my past now, but apparently, they’re not. After three days (and nights) of bingeing, I was gonna ‘start fresh’ on Monday. I, having an eating disorder, of course, overdid it and went straight into restriction mode for three days straight.

Funny how that happens, no?

I was gonna start ‘over’ and ‘do well’. Yet I do the opposite.

When I somehow, just for one day, manage to pull off to under-eat, I can’t flip the switch and to actually start to do ‘good’. Good means good eating. And that would just ‘be a waste’, right? A waste of the restriction.

So, the next day, I will ‘start again’. ‘Do well’. But, again, I notice I can restrict some more. So hey, wouldn’t it be a shame to not do just that, then? I did binge for three days, so sure two days of not eating isn’t all that bad, right?

And then somehow, you manage to do not eat again for the third day following?

And the ‘I never wanna wake up again’ feeling from after the three-day-binge turns into a manic ‘oh I can take over the world solo’-high.

The anorectic high.

And maaaaan, I haven’t felt this awesome in so long!

And then, as I walk home and some guys comment on how awesome I look and I feel that, yeah, my tummy is tighter than it was three days ago, the world suddenly moves under my feet.

While my body wasn’t giving me my usual hunger-signs (growling stomach, bad temper, bad concentration, blue lips and nails, etc), I felt my balance go ‘off’. In the bookstore I almost hit the floor. My eyes went black, and so did my memory. I don’t remember walking home; I do remember sitting at my table with a bag of candy that I bought at the bookstore instead of the book I was looking for.

Again; funny how that happens, no?

Honestly? I thought I felt better the past two days as I had in a week. My stomach felt tighter. Plus, I felt like I could conquer the world again. Then I realized this was my anorectic high. The high where I think I look good because of the tummy-thing, but my eyes look hollow again (I got several comments, and this was only on my second day of restriction. My lord, how my eyes betray me). The high where, even though I feel like I’ve got it all together, I’m really not productive or making sense of anything. The high where, on my way to Uni, I really just wanna turn around and go home because of the uncomfy heebeejeebees creeping up. The anorectic heebeejeebees. The high where I lie awake for hours and hours because bedtime is super-early (when I’m in bed, I’m not in the kitchen), though I know I won’t be able to sleep anyway because, hey, I’m in my super-alert-anorexia-state.

Tomorrow is my day off. A day off, in my own house, with a filled kitchen, after three days of fasting.

Already looking forward to that………..

Funny how that happens. No?

ED Awareness

You know you have an eating disorder (which everyone knows about) when….

……Your mom accuses you of eating the three hamburgers that were in the fridge while they were walking the dog…….

even though you’ve been a life-long vegetarian

Thanks mom. And no, I didn’t.
I’m not that crazy
I hide my binges better than that 

When the good turns bad and ugly

*Knock, knock*

Yo, anyone there?

Okay, so.. I’m not very good at this. But I just mentioned that right now, I ain’t doin’ so swell. Err, currently, I’m doing swollen. Yeah, that’s what binges do to my body (amongst many other equally amazing things).

I had a little four day break of Istanbul, which honestly, was well deserved and -needed. A breather. Pfoe. And even though my eating was… well… not that much *cough*, I still managed to gain 2kg. Awesome. Yeah, I did the scale thing again. Silly. But guess what. I didn’t really mind. WHAAAT!! Yeah, I know right? I did not mind I gained 2kg. Because I felt good. Even body-image wise, I felt (dare I say it!?) good. I didn’t feel the extra weight, I felt okay with myself. I, finally, did NOT feel like a walking, wobbling version of myself.

And then the weekend happened. I met up with an old friend, who was one of very few who stuck around without making me feel like the ‘anorectic friend’. He has NO CLUE how much that meant to me. How much it meant to me he just stuck around being him and treating me like I was me. And we had a drink and talked and I realized nothing had changed. It just felt right. I love that guy. Not like that, no, but he’s just such an awesome kid. Awesome.

And then, when I let him out, a friend of a friend (or, my ex’s best mate..) happened to walk by. He didn’t know I lived there. I, overly courageous (or, without realizing what I was doing I guess), called his name. He came up and I showed off my place (get your mind out of the gutter), we had a drink and a cig and he went off again. Of course the entire night my mind was all over the place; OMG will he tell the ex? What will he say? Will he say how fat I got? That he barely recognized me? That I’m living there? What will my ex say? Will he ignore it or contact me?

Of course he contacted me. We texted back and forth the entire day after. Nothing much, him just being nosy and I dont mind. Apparently his friend only said nice things. That night another old friend of mine called that he was in town. I made myself go out and meet him for a drink (enter anxiety) but we somehow chatted the night away for hoooours straight, and I stumbled back went home in the middle of the night.

Point being? I had a pretty good week.

And then sunday happened. I overate. Then got emotional. And then I overate more. It turned into a disaster, straight up. So I called it a day and went to bed. To wake up with the worst hayfever and unable to make it to Uni. Enter disaster again; me and change of plans do not work well together. It turned ito another fullblown binge. TWO DAYS STRAIGHT. After such a good week!! So now I sit here, bloated, lethargic, in pain (back, belly, joints, head), frustrated and crying. WHAT THE HELL SOOZ! Why do you ALWAYS fuck up!

Again, you think, point bingeing being?

I know I do my motivational mondays, I do my wednesdays words of wisdom and I wordvomit all over your blogs too. But this time, I want YOUR yay-ness. How do you turn things around again for the positive? WHY do you want recovery? What makes life on the other side worth it? How do you pick yourself up after a disaster slip?

Random things and thinks

So, it’s been a while, hm? I’ve been meaning to post a gazillion of times, but something always gets in the way of doing so (ie, lack of internet.. Yes, still.. Or just a completely chaotic brain)

I am currently SWAMPED in work (three deadlines tomorrow, that’s why I’m posting now, ofcourse. Procrastination, me? Nah!) and three more later this week, and like 30 more in the next month or so. BUT, I did book a trip to Istanbul end of the month for just a few days, and then the first week of next month is almost a full week of Berlin. And then this summer… Yeah. Five weeks of Cuba baby! I NEED to get out again, or Ill go mental (or, even more mental would be more appropriate here, I suppose..)

Of all the things I have been meaning to write, here’s a few that pop into my head. So, the random thinks and things of the past month included;

  • Too much partying. Or well, not too much. A lot. And I loved it. Still not able to flirt again, though. Cannot get over the ‘omg I’m standing here and I probably look like a whale in a fishtank’ type of thoughts to actually be able to relax
  • My dog has gotten to the point of becoming my personal ‘animal cop’. Whenever I get the heebeegeebees (or; I stress out so much the only thing I can think of doing is binge) she will barricade the door with her big black butt, or lean against the kitchen cupboards. And if I manage to beat her to it, she’ll start howling. She’ll then bring her leash to let me know we need to get some fresh air, which always does wonders. I think she’s like an angel in (very good, ADD disordered, naughty, hairy) disguise.
  • I gained more. I am now bigger (size and weight wise) than I have ever been in my entire life. This is scary, uncomfortable and completely able to make me burst into tears any time of day at any place whatsoever (crocodile tears and huffs and puffs in rush hour public transport? Awesome…)
  • I wore short-sleeved shirts for the first time again last weekend, and have done so ever since. It has been almost two entire years since I had done that, because before my arms were too emaciated to be shown. Now I feel like they’re too fat, flabby, fluffy and fleshy to be shown, but I force them into day light anyway. I think the real Jupiter has now received my light-signals mutiple times, because my arms are so.damn.WHITE that I am pretty sure the sun reflection upon them can bounce off into the Milky way
  • ‘Ummm excuse me madam? Do you know your way around here?’, ‘Well, you’re currently standing in my doorway so yeah, I guess I could go for local’. ‘Would you happen to know where to find the Irish Pub?’. ‘If you turn the corner your standing at right now, it’s the first door on your left’. ‘Oh shit, that’s close. I’m sorry. Thanks! You wouldn’t care to join later today, would you?’.
  • I started Yoga (kundalini?). It’s not physical exercise at all (which I’d hoped), but more meditation. It’s only once a week and all about relaxation of the mind. My teacher is an awesome guy. But where I thought I’d be a complete fail because I am the most un-athletic, non-flexible person on earth (without exaggeration here!), I now find myself a complete fail because I CAN NOT LIE STILL AND JUST BE WITH MY THOUGHTS! I think I’ll try and talk to my teacher about it next week
  • I survived the dentists. He’s making me come back next week to pull out 2 of my wisdom teeth. With finals and deadlines only accumulating, this sounds like a very bad idea to me. Do NOT take my WISDOM teeth! I think I’ll ask him to put them in a jar so I can turn them into some creepy accesoiry. That way I can keep my wisdom with me, yet also pass it on. Ha!
  • Sometimes I do okay, sometimes I do not. Currently, I do not. I am an utter mess, a complete chaos. Stress is making me freak and turn to my (very unproductive) coping mechanism in the form of bingeing. Big time. Haven’t done this THIS badly in quite a while, and definately not ever while being this big a size (obvs, since I’m now bigger than ever that would already make that impossible I suppose). I need to retune my mind now, but am unsure how. Thoughts, anyone? I had a complete all-our panic cry this morning for an our straight (while already shitfaced from last nights drinks and 2-5 am binge. Oh so lovely indeed)
  • Went out to dinner with my besties and realized how I am not living the life of a proper adult. I feel (and know I am) more like a good 15 year old. Actually, I am now more a proper 15year old girl than I was when I was actually a fifteen year old girl! Those were my wild years (15-20), but even my wild years were very decent I guess, looking back. I feel so…. left out on life.
  • Sushi is the best food in the world. And nothing is better than to pair it with some sparkly wine. Gosh, that makes the world so much better. (okay, plys a pint of ice cream to finish maybe….)
  • No need to say I guess; I booked a shitload of travels. Istanbul, Berlin, Cuba and possibly also Malaysia, here I come. 2012 will finally be the year my backpack and camera will see daylight again.
  • I am just SO friggin tired. My mind’s on overload, which is not really helping my insomnia, and my pain is back which is really not very helpful either. And I refuse to go back on sleeping  pills. Which sometimes means taking shitloads of painkillers to get me through the night, which basically causes restlessness and nightmares (+ nightsweats like a rainstorm found my bed and decided to empty its belly all over it)

So, any input into my chaos? And more importantly; what have you all been up to?