2014

While serving food those who needed it, in my ‘other hometown’ across the globe, I realized the irony but especially the beauty of that moment. Me, serving food to the needy. Me not being one of the needy, as I just had a lovely dinner with new and a little less new friends.

That exact moment made me realize that the past nine weeks of travel made me re-find my stable self after those chaotic years. I think I am now able to say, I am okay.  I realized that to heal, sometimes you need to dig deep. Dig deep in yourself. Yet sometimes, healing requires you to break out. Break out and get away from everything you think you are.

And apparently, sometimes, it takes both.

Either way, healing takes a lot of time, a lot of effort, a lot of energy, a lot of tears, a lot of trying over and, albeit reluctantly, it indeed also takes a lot of support.

I am not jinxing this, nor am I making any crazy promises or predictions. I just want to say; I am thankful. For everything (yes, everything!) and everyone in my life, I am thankful.

Happy (late) new year you all!

India-49

Namaste :)

 

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Video Friday

Like my Facebook page, my blog seems to have turned into a video dump of things I find around the web these days. Most of these video’s just help me get my mind of my own shit and see how gorgeous life can be. And so I repost some of them.

Here’s today’s find:

http://www.upworthy.com/the-most-heartwarming-use-of-duct-tape-youll-ever-see?c=ufb1

Hope you enjoy :)

A broken body isn’t a broken person

I am still alive. And kicking.
…….. Myself, mostly.

http://www.ted.com/talks/janine_shepherd_a_broken_body_isn_t_a_broken_person.html

I am spending the lost moments (between working and Uni stress) watching boat loads of TEDxTalks. Here’s just one of my faves of today.

I’m still reading you. I am still thinking of you.
You are in my <3

It’s all so quiet

I realize I have been short on words lately. I have been MIA both on and offline a bit, because I am rather overwhelmed with… well… life atm. Work, Uni, family, me. It’s all a bit too much.

But I promise I’ll try and break the silence here soon (echo, echo, echo…. Anyone still reading here??).

(PS; Had two more publications the past two days, and today’s was really exciting!! Head over to my FaceBook if you know me, if I did it correctly you can find the (publicly visible) link on my page)

International Womens Day

As you probably noticed, today was/is international womens day. To be honest, I have never noticed it to be this broadly to touched upon in the media. But that could be just me. Hey I’m only slowly just rolling into this 21st century technology “updatedness”, so I suppose that could explain that!

However, it made me think. Not in the -there’s so much for women in the world to achieve still- kinda way as it probably should have made me think (alright I’ll admit, I did think of that too, because I am a social scientist nerd with a weak heart for human rights issues), but more in a -wow wait, should I be celebrating this?!- kinda way.

Lemme explain.

It is international WOMENs day. Stressing that one word; women.

People treat me like an adult again. Why? Because I look like one. Yes, I know, shocker right? I look like a proper adult.

I have boobs (alright… boobies), an ass (for real yo, it’s quite impressive…), and all the wiggle and jiggle in between that has managed to give me a curved and well-rounded body. Also, my brain functions on a healthy (adult) leven again. I can think straight, joke, work and converse at a functional level. Man, I can even kid people into thinking I ám a regularly functional adult.

But am I?

International womens day has left me wondering; Am I a woman? Or, more so; do I consider myself to be a woman?

To be honest? I still refer to myself as a girl. Now I know I am still young (24, still a baaaaby practically! Errr…). So I am not sure if still seeing myself as a girl is odd, off or weird. -Is it?-. However, I have noticed over the past years my friends are shifting away from using the word “girl” to describe themselves. Some now say woman, others use more “lady”-like words. And it’s not just things like this that makes me wonder…

IMG_20130209_003415

I have gotten to the age where people around me are chasing careers. Having babies (none of my friends, but people I know, friends of friends, former classmates, current Uni-friends etc). Some are getting married, or even having a second kid. Most of my friends who aren’t in a committed relationship are starting to seriously worry, though. Like, OMG I am now so old I will end up a sad spinster-type of worried. I have multiple friends who are on dating websites, a few of them in a relationship formed through one even. I have friends embracing the one-night stands because they’ve not been ‘having any for too long’ (their words, not mine), and others who are swearing them off because they feel they need to outgrow that phase. Most of them are still in Uni (we Dutchies are (in)famous for studying forever and forever), however quite a few are already seriously stressing out about their choices and whether this is really want they want to do for the rest of their lives. A few are struggling with finding good jobs, ending up extremely frustrated and struggling with rent and mortgages.

My friends are growing into real life adults. But am I?

I wonder..  Am I growing into being an adult? Or am I stuck, struggling with ‘fixing’ myself so much that I freeze my entire life just because I need to “get this over with first” before I can move on?

I think, through everything I have been through the past few years being ill, has definately given me a perspective on life that other people my age might not have. I think it gave me some (life)experience that might make me a bit wiser for my age. However, when it comes to so many other parts of life, I am so so far behind on people my age.  I want children more than anything at some point, yet I managed to damage my body so badly I don’t even know it’ll still be possible. Plus; dating is not even on my radar right now, and it hasn’t been for years. I have no career ideals, no ambitions and I do not feel like I am ready to settle down and find a steady longterm job either. I’d much rather plan my next trip. I have trouble relating to quite some of my friends’ stories and struggles at times, quite simply because I have no experience in the field they’re talking about, let alone the struggles they meet there.

Has this “eating disorder thing” quite simply still left me a scared little mouse?

I’ll admit this is quite a painful subject to me. Whereas I used to be the girl that was one of the more worldly ones (I started working when I was sixteen, going abroad for my first job straight up. Had volunteerjobs on the side since seventeen, travelled the world solo, etc) being nicnamed ‘mommasooz’ since as long as I can remember, I somehow became the baby of the group. And that hurts more than I want to admit.

So where do I go from here? Where do I prioritize? What comes first, what comes next? What do I want and what not. Am I ready for certain things, and if not, when? I realize these are all questions none of you are able to answer for me. But maybe we could start a little discussion here in the comment section, maybe that will help me think things over.  Maybe you have things to add?

Do you consider yourself to be an adult? What makes an adult an adult? What’s your view on a steady relationship, a steady job, a steady future? And how would you feel if one of your friends would really lack in life-experience? Would you still be able to relate to them?

*Please keep the image mine (it’s old, yes I know Ed)

Work stress

As of yesterday, I became an online published journalist!
Well, technically I already was, but this was the first ‘biggie’. Plus; my very own pictures were included. I was kinda excited, can you tell? Much stress and frustration went with it, so it felt good to see it finally appear online.

I’m not posting the link here as I don’t want it to be traceable to my blog (plus it’s in Dutch, however, Google Translate works wonders). Those who know my Facebook can find it there, otherwise you can email me. However, it’s not that important haha, don’t worry. I just wanted to share!! ;)

(And however much I sometimes dreaded the everyday posting thing, I’m sorta missing the everyday connection to you all. Silly nah?!)

New reader?

Hi to however just foud my blog using the search term; “typical miss world speech”.

Though I wouldn’t call myself Miss World (I know, I know, I am terribly humble), I am sure she would add some positivity into her speech. And, as she is likely to want to save the world and accomplish world peace, she would probably do herself a big pleasure exploring the world a bit first. So she could show off in her speech, being all worldly and all. Learn a few languages (you know, to address all those world-citizens that just chose her) to add to the mix and top it off with quite some (genuine!) smiles into the mix.

Be authentic. Be you. Show them you are what you stand for, that you’re pure, true and you mean it. Just take a deep breath, and take it all in. Stop pretending you are perfect, take in the moment and savour it. And people will see you, your true you. And they will know it’s good.

We’re all worldly misses. And gents. And we all deserve to shine bright like a diamond. So let’s

Happy New Year

I’ll be the hypocrite with the happy mask tonight. But, even though I don’t feel like I’m on top of the world right now, please know these wishes do come from the bottom of my heart.

JUMP               SMILE

May 2013 bring many new highs and highlights. Let whatever holds you down fly, and smile while you’re at it!

Love, Sooz