2014

While serving food those who needed it, in my ‘other hometown’ across the globe, I realized the irony but especially the beauty of that moment. Me, serving food to the needy. Me not being one of the needy, as I just had a lovely dinner with new and a little less new friends.

That exact moment made me realize that the past nine weeks of travel made me re-find my stable self after those chaotic years. I think I am now able to say, I am okay.  I realized that to heal, sometimes you need to dig deep. Dig deep in yourself. Yet sometimes, healing requires you to break out. Break out and get away from everything you think you are.

And apparently, sometimes, it takes both.

Either way, healing takes a lot of time, a lot of effort, a lot of energy, a lot of tears, a lot of trying over and, albeit reluctantly, it indeed also takes a lot of support.

I am not jinxing this, nor am I making any crazy promises or predictions. I just want to say; I am thankful. For everything (yes, everything!) and everyone in my life, I am thankful.

Happy (late) new year you all!

India-49

Namaste :)

 

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A Positive Month; Day 1

So, today is the first dat of February 2013. Can you believe it?! Thank you for reading and (maybe) joining this month’s daily challenges! I réally appreciate it.

Today’s ‘challenge’ might not really feel like a challenge to you, so I suppose it will seem like an easy start to this month of daily ‘tasks’. Let me first introduce the challenge for today, and then let me elaborate on the subject

  1. Take a long, hot shower

There was a time, not too long ago, when I was unable to let myself do just that; take a long, nice, hot shower. Now, you may not know this, but everyone who has ever lived or travelled with me knows that I love long showers. There are very few things traveling made me appreciate more than good showers; oh how I missed those when on the road! A hot morning shower is the only way I am able to wake up (seriously, it doesn’t even come close to the coffee-effect), and when my mind is racing it is the only way to calm me down. When I am cold, nothing warms me like a hot shower and when I am tired, it lifts me up like nothing else. But as I just mentioned, there was a time where I couldn’t do this, where I couldn’t let myself take that much-desired shower.

Why? That’s a hard one to answer. But when I was deep into my anorexia, I didn’t allow myself a lot. Of anything. This went way beyond not being allowed food. I would deliberately keep myself up for nights and nights, and when I did allow myself to sleep, I would make myself sleep on the cold wooden floors next to my bed. I didn’t allow myself to go out with friends and have fun, to wear nice clothes, to buy nice things, to turn on the lights or the heating when home alone, and I did not allow myself to take an unnecessary shower. Because I was not worthy of that. I did not deserve to feel good. I did not deserve anything.

This is why I ask you to do just this today; take a nice, long, hot shower (or bath, if you have one). Just to ease yourself into the new day, or to rewind after a long one. Just because it is nice, because you can, and not because you have to be allowed to enjoy something. Because you simply always deserve to feel nice. Because you are worth to be taken care of, not just by others, but by yourself. Take this moment to just unwind and relax, and continue your day as a bit more peaceful you.

Enjoy :)