I didn’t try to escape you. I didn’t only disappear from the blogosphere. I vanished off the earth in real life too. So much so, that even my friends (and like, they are rather oblivious when it comes to me), started noticing. Or, that could’ve been my one friend who does really see me being back from England for a week and telling all the others that ‘HEYA YOU ALL SHOULD KEEP A BETTER EYE ON HER!’.

Anyway, I am hermiting. Again.

I tend to do this when I feel like shit. I lock myself away from the real world. The big, scary world. With actual people. People who will judge me, or, people who I fear will judge me. Though everyone knows I am my worst critic. And everyone also knows it’s better to get some distraction from friends than to  wallow in misery home alone. Yet, every time again, I choose to hermit.

I am not doing well. My second mom, who practices Quantum Touch, ‘healed’ me this Tuesday. She said that usually meant 3-5 days of peace and quiet. The opposite happened, and complete chaos arose the next day, and has been with me for 7 days now. I feel horrible, physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. I’m a mess.

Some might remember how I chose the word ‘balance’ as my word for 2013. Truthfully though, I decided that that would not be my word within days after that post. However great balance would be, it’s not something to achieve in a year. Balance is what happens in between, in hindsight. It is not a goal to strive for. Plus, very early on, it became clear to me I had to keep a different word close to my heart for the time being. That word was; ‘breathe’.

Now, I hear you all think, isn’t that something we all do naturally, all mother-frickin-day long? Ermmm, yes. But that’s not the breathing I mean. The breathing I mean is the mindful, peaceful and conscious breathing. Not the meditative way in which you try to get to that ‘floating’ stage, away from the earth, but the breathing that brings you back into your body. The breathing that re-connects soul and body again.

Well, breathing has been hard. Really hard.

I feel suffocated. Mostly by myself. Stifled, grasping for air, which only comes in shocks and waves, like when you are crying intensely. Which I do, continuously. I cry and I cry and I cry.

The past month, another word entered my world; Vulnerability.

Oh man, me and vulnerability. We, well, we’re kinda like someone you’ve heard of (a friend of a friend) but have never actually met. And however much your friend likes him, you sorta have this gut feeling you won’t, and thus you shun him. I have ignored vulnerability all my live, as if life my depended on it.

Turns out, it’s the other way around; my life depends on vulnerability.

Oh, the irony of that one.

So vulnerability and me, we’ve been forcefully introduced to one another at this party recently, yet still, I wasn’t feeling it. Fake-smiled my way around him, so I could go back to mingling with the rest of the crowd ASAP. ‘Hi, yes, that’s me. But if you’ll excuse me, I see a friend I haven’t talked to in ages! Maybe I’ll catch you later?’. But vulnerability managed to snatch my number from my friend, and has been on my back ever since. And I could no longer ignore him .

Open up insta

So I have been opening up. Not too much, but bit by bit I am sharing. I have always been Mommasooz, the shoulder, the listening ear. The one to turn to. The one always up for anything, and always ready to drop whatever she’s doing to join you when you please. The one always smiling, always friendly, always ‘alright’. But bit by bit, I am letting my friends know that I am not okay. That, in fact, I am doing crap. That I am in a very painful place, and that I no longer feel like keeping up the act, nor the mask, for that matter.

And unexpectedly, it’s been a relief. It’s been a relief to see they won’t run away when I tell them what is going on, rather than pretending or making excuses to hermit. They’ve accepted helping hands, sent postcards, brought me fresh orange juice. They didn’t mind to change our party plans to couch-potato dates when I told them I couldn’t be the fun girl in a club of confident dressed up people. The little things that lift my spirit, even if it is only for a minute or two.  So maybe it is time, now, to pick back up on my ‘breathing’ word again too. Breathe vulnerability. Or vulnerably breathe. But I’ll try to listen first if there will be another word ready to teach me a lesson joining me any time soon. Until that time, vulnerability is still my work in progress.

Do you find certain ‘themes’ or words being of importance to you at specific times in your life?


20 thoughts on “Vulnerability

  1. i love your writing – but don’t like what you are going through in being so low – my heart goes out to you.
    I kept thinking “Accepting” reading this. you are definitely gaining insights and putting them into practice slowly – and I think after honesty with yourself, is acceptance of yourself, acceptance of what you are going through.. acceptance of help..
    I’m glad your friends have been there for you lately. I wish I was close enough to do the same. Hang in there – I pray hard for you and send love xx

    • Thank you Fi. I guess we’re both going through a rough bit right now. Let’s just hope (and assume) we get out stronger on the other end. Acceptance is a lovely word to keep with you, as long as it doesn’t imply to not continue to fight and push through! xx

  2. I feel alot of compassion for you hearing this, cos believe me – i have felt that vulnerabitlity too. And as you have been such a support and comfort to me, i want to extend that to you too… i know im sure you have many people who you would turn to first, but just to let you know that im here… i can listen.. and you dont have to BE anything in order for me to give a damn. i just do.
    take care and dont let go completely. there are people here who love and care for you :)

  3. We are always here for you lovely one so talk to us and stay here with us. We promise to hold your heart and hand through everything.

  4. I’m so sorry you are in that place, you describe it well. It’s nice that those around you, are seeming to be supportive . I ask you this question, if OTHERS can be vulnerable around you and ask for your support , is it not ok for you to do the same?? After all we are all human, I believe that life is a journey, I think though out life EVERYBODY does need a hand. I must admit when my ED ‘voice’ is loud , I just want to hide, I think it takes courage to ask for help, in my case, my ED basically instructs me to do the exact opposite, that’s something I’m learning , usually, the more I want to ‘put on a mask’, my ED is doing its BEST to control me. That means I WILL feel horrible and alone. Well done for reaching out. Sending to your inner self and heart calming, soothing, healing thoughts, and positive vibes to hopefully allow you to ‘see’ the wonderful, caring soul that is YOU!!!’

    • Thank you so much! You are absolutely right that it is completely skewed to only have others lean on me and not the other way around. Balance is something that comes in the middle. It takes being able to stand strong enough on your own feet to catch someone else’s fall, but also strong enough to step away and take care of yourself. Otherwise you will fall when the other person gets back up again.

  5. Sooz, Thanks for letting us know what’s going on for you. My heart is with you. I well know the dark clouds of depression. Isolating goes with it. So I appreciate the strength you must have to reach out anyway even if you don’t feel like it.

    I like how you write and pay attention to certain words and their meanings for you. I also really like this line: “So I have been opening up. Not too much, but bit by bit I am sharing.” To me this sounds so honoring of yourself….that you are being gentle and taking small steps in a good direction. I believe that is important to the soul. What ever the depression is about, it has some seed of wisdom in it. at least that is what I believe. So in to just blasting through it, but gently nudging self in a growth direction you embrace both the movement and the dark place for what it might teach.

    Have you asked yourself in what the ‘mask’ or the ‘act’ serve you? Honor it, thank it for serving a purpose but say you are ready for a new way to serve that purpose that isn’t so painful. Just a thought.

    It sounds like such wonderful progress to have told your friends that you didn’t want to pretend and to find that they accepted you exactly in the place you were at, and even adapted plans to include how you were really feeling. Wow that is sweet.

    • Oh my that is the best comment ever. Thank you for pointing out that this might just be part of a process in the right direction instead of the other way around (as it sorta feels). And I love the thought of acknowledging the mask and moving on, I will think that one through this week. Thank you!!

  6. PS meant to write: “So instead of just blasting through it….”

    And as for your question….yes I have a theme, in the form of a sentence that keeps coming up all the time since it first occurred to me a few years ago…it is ” I need more space between things”….it means that so many problems or issues seem to naturally resolve when I can slow down a little and be more present, observe more than react automatically, and just kind of wait without trying to make things different. Just to pause, breathe and relax into trust rather then trying to change things, or fleeing. It also means that when one thing is completed then to just pause before the next thing for a few moments, hours, days etc…and just BE, rather than to rush from one thing to the next. I believe that ‘answers’ and ‘guidance’ or inner wisdom emerges during such ‘spaces’ between things. But if we are constantly pulled around by inner patterns or ego striving then we aren’t able to listen to that inner wisdom.

    Peace to you.

    • Hey you, I’ve been meaning to email you all week. Im so sad my mail got lost (apparently? As you never received it…), I put quite some effort into it :( Ill send you hugs and thoughts instead xx

  7. Mommasooz…

    you don’t have to be anyone or anything that is uncomfortable. just be you. people like her, just fine. no one is judging you except yourself. try to remember that. i’m really happy for and proud of you for sharing with your friends. perhaps they were simply waiting for you to lean on them or talk their ears off. someone once told me, after i spilled my secrets i’d held in for so long, “closed mouths don’t get fed.” meaning, no one knows what you are going through if communication is absent. reach out. open up. let it out. you shouldn’t have to carry that all by yourself. i agree with gel — it’s time to drop the masks and roles and step into the person you actually are. keep it up, babes. again, to remind, reinforce, and restate: WE ALL LOVE YOU. WE ARE ALL HOLDING YOU.

    keep walking towards the light. it is beckoning.

    • Thank you boo. Something that struck me the other day is how opening up changes my relationships. As in, the fact that Im fine with opening up to some and not really feeling like I want to to others now all of a sudden means there’s differences in the relationships I have with different people, whom I thusfar all considered ‘friends’. This is something to think about.

  8. Such an honest post, proud of you Sooz.

    The above comments say it all, and although I know it’s anything but easy to let that mask slip and open yourself up – sometimes it’s really needed. No more pretending, honesty is the best policy (as YOU once told me!!) xx

  9. Opening up is the key. Maybe I do it too much. I don’t know. Well, at times i open up, and then I don’t. But… others can only help you only if they really know what’s going on. Not just giving hints, but really telling the stuff tangibly. This hits home to me…

    So I wish I knew more about the exact things. Then I could ask you the right questions to guide you into understanding their causes. So I’m here if ever you want to message, girl.

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