Stop waisting time!!

Yes, you read that correctly.
Yes, I wrote that correctly.
I am going to STOP WAISTING MY TIME.

Even though it’s been incredibly low on comments here lately, I just need to write it down. So, here I go.

chartgo
Number = year, S = summer, W = winter. That means this is a 5-year overview. Before = a stable BMI18, I Always hovered around the same weight as a teenage girl. I had lost a miiinor bit early ’08 due to exam year, stress and too much partying. The post 13-S? Ha……… Let’s talk about that for a moment.

I have no idea what my weight is right now, so the BMI20 is my guesstimation. It might be 21 to be honest. I don’t know, and I don’t care. Plus, does it matter whether it’s a 20 or a 21? Both are healthy, and both are a lot more than I have ever been. It’s also both double of what I once was. Yeah. I halved myself, and then doubled myself. Both weight as well as BMI wise.

I haven’t been on a scale since………… I wouldn’t know! Honest to Lord, I can’t remember the last time I actually weighed myself. I have never owned a scale in my life, but when I moved back in with my parents (Autumn ’10, now you can guess why that was judging by the graph above), I had access to a scale again. Thats when I managed to get hit my most ultimate low (winter 2010). Yeah, me and scales aren’t buddies.

When I went to the ER that cold January morning, I wasn’t even weighed. My father was furious, but hey, it’s not like they needed a scale to see that the girl standing there wasn’t exactly a healthy weight. Nothing much you can do to hide the fact your half your healthy weight. When I enrolled into the local eating disorder facility, I was supposed to be weighed every time. They didn’t always do so, because sometimes I wouldn’t let them (I felt so humiliated, being ordered to take off my clothes and step on a scale in a cold, dusty bathroom with a double lock on the door in their facility), much to the dismay of my father again, but alas.

Weight became something to be obsessively focussed about, and this didn’t start being a thing until I decided I had to gain it. Weight, ironically, was never an issue until the moment I had to get it back on. At the clinic, they taught me to set myself goals. All these goals, however, were weight-related. I got myself a present (ridiculously expensive perfume) when I hit a certain mark. That mark was what I thought would be my ‘perfect weight’. Never mind that it was a BMI16, but that’s where I thought I would “naturally balance out” (ha, ha). And the facility agreed it was a lovely goal. But then again, they never took me seriously anyway.

My point is, that my recovery was all focussed around weight. All my goals, all my slip-ups, everything that was monitored by a psychiatrist and a nurse, everything I had ever put on paper with them as guidelines; everything was weight-related. And my eating disorder had never been about weight!

This is (part of) the reason why therapy never worked for me. If your eating disorder doesn’t focus around weight, how can weight function as the centre and the measurement of your recovery from it?

Exactly, it doesn’t.

I waisted my time. I wasted my time on measurements. Of body-size, body mass, weight etc.

I left therapy after a few months. I hadn’t gained an ounce in the entire period. None. I had gained a few kg before I entered, and gained everything else after. But this also means that I had lost all faith in professional help, as well as I had never really gotten to the core of what my eating disorder (and thus it’s ‘fix’) was all about.

The past few months I have been actively trying to let myself eat without set rules and limits. No, that is not the same as bingeing. Yes, it did involve a lot of bingeing. But hear me out.

dejamoo - source unknown(I know this is what you’re thinking while reading this post)

Eating without set limits and rules means learning to no longer fear foods. Mind you, I didn’t really manage to do so until I had FULLY stopped any form of restriction/compensation. None! But even then, a meal plan which tells you what and when to eat doesn’t tackle the fears and the varieties. So when I had managed to eliminate compensatory behavior, and after I had reached a BMI20, I opened the floodgates of hell. Kiding. Sorta.

It means some days I eat nothing but junk. Some days, I eat a lot of junk in one go and that’s it. And some days, I eat none. And that’s no longer because I read that ‘your body will balance it out naturally’, which my mind would then interprete as ‘today I will not crave anything chocolatey because I already had some yesterday’. I just went with what was réally going on instead of forcing the craving (or the lack thereof) on myself.

It took a giant leap of faith. And a change of mindset from my parents too. Whereas before, they would clear the house before I came, or come barging right into the kitchen if I was there for longer than two nano-seconds, I asked them to just leave me be. Yes, the beginning mostly meant I had to eat everything in sight, or at least have a few bites of everything in sight, so I could ‘get it out of my system’. Because if there was food I hadn’t tasted before/hadn’t tried this time/hadn’t allowed myself since forever/caught my attention/caught my craving or whatever, I couldn’t ignore it and go do something else. It would continue to plague my mind until I had found a way to sneak it out and eat it in secrecy, or if I couldn’t find a way to do so, wait until I got home and then all hell would break lose because I felt like ‘I had denied myself something’ and be damned my body would make up for it by eating everything else it could get its hands on. But believe it or not (don’t worry, I didn’t believe this either), there is this point where your head doesn’t instantly goes bananas the second there’s a bar of chocolate in sight. Or a 2liter tub of ice cream. Or your mother’s weekend load of sinful shoppings.

I know right?

Now, the disclaimer is; I am not even halfway there yet. I still binge. I still try to ignore cravings sometimes. I still am a walking mess of a recovering eater. But SO much has changed since I have granted myself the permission to JUST.EAT. Whatever. Whenever. Not ‘never too much, mostly greens’. Or, ‘until your full’. Or, paleo, primal, gluten-free, dairy-free, sugar-free, flour-free, liquid only, ehhh whatever. NONE of that any longer applies. I have full permission to go with it and see where it will take me.

And just try to make sure I don’t go absolutely NUTS in the process, I have finally acknowledged I might need a little help. So, I have made the first steps in that process too.

PS; I would like to make clear that I DO NOT THINK that BMI’s are unimportant. I know a few (?) of you disagree on this, but I think that most of you will know it ís indeed incredibly important once you get to a (stable) healthy 19/20++ (PLUS PLUS) BMI. My focus, my energy, my ability to comprehend and respond and feel free of ED-thoughts and behaviors changed dramatically since then. Also, the no-restriction and no-compensation rule is KEY in here as well (hence the ‘stable’ part). Not just stable monitoring-wise, but also stable intake and mind wise. I promise you (yes, I think I really do promise you), when you reach a stable, healthy weight without purging/restricting/compensating, you’re entering a new world (again). Paradigms shift y’all.

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15 thoughts on “Stop waisting time!!

  1. Well said Sooz! The difference in mental state between BMI 18 and BMI 20 really is shocking, things become a lot clearer and the ED thoughts quieter the higher you go which is something I didn’t believe would happen.

    Good luck in taking those steps for help missy xx

    • Yeah I never thought it’d be so massive either. You already notice it earlier though, as in, you gain weight and you gain perspective. I suddenly saw a “new” picture on a wall that had been there for years, I noticed a café I had passed for months and months. I bumped into people again because I simply noticed them when I passed by etc. SO WEIRD.

      Aaaand now the help thing. Yes… We’ll see how that goes haha

  2. FUCK. YEAH. FUCK YEAH!

    if i could make those two words bigger on the screen, i fucking would!

    you GO, woman! seriously, this is amazing, and no, it’s not bullshit and no, i wasn’t thinking that at all. what i was really thinking was YES, YES! SHE’S GOT IT, SHE’S THERE! this:

    “there is this point where your head doesn’t instantly goes bananas the second there’s a bar of chocolate in sight. Or a 2liter tub of ice cream. Or your mother’s weekend load of sinful shoppings.

    I know right?”

    THERE IS. there is a point! this shit exists. for real. in life.

    i never, ever, EVER thought it would. but here i am. rarely, if ever, day dreaming about food and nothing else. i cannot tell you how happy i am you see this, that life exists beyond food, that it isn’t controlling when you allow yourself to eat foods you are craving. for a long time all i did after i started eating again was eat. and eat and eat and fucking eat. it was all i thought about, all i did, all i looked forward to. however, after a while, i felt my body asking for different things. it was tired of the processed, tired of the heaviness, tired of the shit, basically. so i listened and hey, wouldn’t you know it? there IS a way to live an inclusive life! cake and spinach and chocolate and tempeh and ice cream and broccoli! just listen. your body knows whats up. heed its advice, it will heal you.

    the fact that you see this, feel it, recognize it — phft, just wait. you’re golden, babygirl!

    just keep swimming, just keep swimming :)

    it always gets easier the more you practice!

  3. one more:

    UGH, YOU’RE SO SMART!

    i want you to know that. look how much you’ve uncovered, without the help of others? can you imagine what it will be like when someone can help guide you through the tougher moments? bliss.

    • I know I know I know I know. Appointment made. Dragging my ass there. We’ll see if there’s a click…

      Thank you for being my sane name sake (that even sounds poetic – so right!)

  4. So well said, I’m still trying to get to what sounds like a ‘weight’ of a few houses lifting..!!!! I’m giving myself permission, I’m going wrong though in that I WAIT to feel hungry, my body seems a bit messed up after 15years, I totally agree with, ‘through the scales out’ , I actually smashed mine ! I found this distressing and freeing but I still worry about numbers, my goal is to LIFE live, and forget the B/S f…ing numbers. Thank you for inspiring me and I would think many others…..lol

    • Your body isn’t messed up, you’re just no longer used to interpreting its signals. And the signals might not be what you “want” either (as in; signals being HUNGRY HUNGRY all the goddarntime, because your body IS hungry all the goddarn time). If you listen, you will know. Don’t wait until it’s too late (hungry), but listen to the signals before that. The little ‘mm’s’, or cravings, or whatever.

      A goal to live life, YES. Not to become a (different, always a different) number!

  5. YES! Agreed completely. These days I’ve been eating nothing but chocolate, last week I ate a ton of meats. It’s going by what our bodies crave and allowing them to crave not what we believe they should be craving, but what they truly are!
    Huge hugs.( For the longest time I felt so alone because I thought no one else understood. )

  6. I am really blown away by your posts I don’t know where to begin!! There is a lot I want to take some time to reflect on! I hope I can express myself as well as you are able to! :)

  7. Wow, I needed to read this for so many reasons, I can’t really say them all.
    I totally agree the weight-focussed treatment actually taught me to focus on weight. Before treatment, my ed wasn’t focussed on that – I didn’t even own scales – so much as it was a series of rituals and behaviours I couldn’t seem to break out of, with the resulting weight loss being a symptom of this. In treatment, I learnt to obsess over even shifts as low as 100g, since being 0.1 below my ‘set weight’ (which wasn’t anywhere near healthy) meant instant hospitalisation – do not pass Go or collect even your belongings. Fluctuations during treatment were also celebrated or punished – fluctuations that weren’t even big enough to be significant if we are talking about the weight of someone in an everyday situation. And so concentrated are we on that, we are blind to the rest of it. Take away the weight, and you still have all the problems that are the actual crux of it.
    You’ve come a long way, Sooz, and I have no doubt you will make it the rest of the way – with so much fight and courage, too xx

  8. wow. just wow. you have such a talent for putting on paper what a lot of us can’t even articulate much less write.

    “Weight, ironically, was never an issue until the moment I had to get it back on”. That is so true. Weight.. is not something I even realised i lost until others pointed it out. And by then my brain was probably too far gone to see it. And… ” there is this point where your head doesn’t instantly goes bananas the second there’s a bar of chocolate in sight. Or a 2liter tub of ice cream. Or your mother’s weekend load of sinful shoppings.” HELL yea…..unfortunately I still have those moments far too often. But now at least there’s a distinction between junk I actually like rather than junk I feel i have to eat, want to eat just because its junk and its there and I was “taught” that haivng “fear foods” was disordered.. even though I’ve never like that stuff in my life! At the same time.. I cant blame recovery centres on focusing on BMI so much.. like everyone here says… the paradigm shift between BMI 18 to BMI 20 is… AMAZINg.. though.. I think everyone has a different “threshold” with which this shift occurs. I think BMI 18-20 is the mere MINIMUM for most people… in my case, it’s a higher than that. But I think.. recovery centres.. they need to be aware of that.. yes, weight is important, but the more weight we gain in recovery, the more help we’re going to need, yet that’s the point where they wash their hands off us saying we’re “recovered” … hence the high rate of relapse.

    *hugz* I’m so proud of you, sooz! Realising all this.. this is the KEY to recovery! :D Hope you find the right help you need. And if that fails.. there’s a whole world out here that understands too :P amazing how many people go through the same thing yet we felt so alone struggling through all this..seek, and you shall find ! keep floating! :D

    • Oh yes I still go bananas a lot of times as well. But it’s no longer because it’s there. Its because something happens and I release that tension into eating. And at that point, it honestly doesnt matter whether it’s 2 gallons of ice cream and a two family size Milka bars, or two loafs of bread with 3 cans of chickpeas. I am learning to have the food around without thát -having the food around- being the ‘trigger’ to go bananas.

      Thanks for that, I think I needed to write that down for me more than anything

      • and yet.. writing it down for yourself.. you’re helping remind the rest of us as well :D talk about killing 2 birds with one stone!

        seriously though.. i sincerely hope you find the right kind of help. It’s hard to come by though.. official help made me more disordered than i ever was.. and it’s taken me this long to get past that, but i don’t htink i ever will, actually. Yet.. no one can help you until you want it yourself. That’s something I learnt.. and.. sooz? You’re prob the main reason I got this far.. and kept sane the whole time. SO thank you. :D

        on a side note.. lol.. did you read about that new BMI thing? geez.. that certainly catapulted me a few BMI points ahead! :P

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