WAMM part VI; Uninterested

As I recently changed the lay-out of my blog, I re-read some of my old WAMM series (WAMM meaning; What anorexia made me. The ‘WIAN’ in this case is both a reference to those STUPID eats posts ánd means ‘what I am not’). Anyway, while reading I realized how helpful it had been to me to write out what the difference was between the sick me, and the not sick me. And as I pondered on the subject, I realized I still had a WAMM-post in my drafts. Which is this one. I have a list (oh me and my lists) saved as well with another few bullet points of WAMM-subjects, so I suppose you willl be seeing a few more of these in the future.

WAMM, (WIAN) Part VI; Uninterested (&irresponsible)

I like to think of myself as a… Friendly girl. A good friend. A listening ear. A shoulder to cry on. A reliable buddy. A sincere person. I know, that’s a lot to say about myself, but, I think (most of the time) this is a big part of who I am.

I am a people person. I hate the phrase but I think it’s true. I can be a hermit at times, I admit. But deep down, I cannot live without other people in my life.

I love my friends and family. I love spending time with them. My angels (my 2 little cousins) are so precious to me, my mother I love to death and my friends… Well. Apart from all the times I’d rather ‘glue them behind the wallpaper’ (Dutch expression), I love them dearly. And the rest of my family too!

I work with mentally challenged people, and have done so since I was 16. On the side, I have always had babysitting jobs and nanny-ing stuffs. My first job was as an au-pair in France, where I had my two kids 24/7 for 2 months straight. I did it again the year after in the same family and had another job as a nanny in Malaysia for 3 months when I was 20. I love kids, I love taking care of them and I love that it allows me to reassure my ‘inner mom’. Even in my group of friends I’ve had the nickname Mammasooz since we were 12…

And mamma’s care. That’s what mamma’s do. They are interested in their family. But they take care of themselves too. They are responsible adults.

Yet, my eating disorder made me no longer care. It turned me into a person who just didn’t give a fuck. I would rather stay at home and not-eat, watch food and not touch it, and ‘sit out the hunger pangs’  on the cold kitchen floor then to go see my friends. I would hide in the office room if my cousins came by, so I could avoid having tea and biscuits with them. And later, I would excuse myself and run upstairs with 5 packs of biscuits, a loaf of bread and a tub of ice-cream if my parents had friends or family over, just so I could binge in solace instead of having to sit and pretend to listen to them, while all I could really think of was when they would leave so I could have that binge I so badly needed.

My eating disorder also made me irresponsible in my behavior and actions. Especially when the binge-monster took over. I would sneak out with food, even if I had food cooking on the stove. I would run upstairs to either go and hide my food or just binge on it, instead of making sure the gas was off. I would stuff my face before I would let my dog in who was barking at the door because it started raining outside. I even ran on my dad’s freshly painted stairs once because I ‘had to hide the food’ before the rest of the family came home, and in that rush and panic had completely forgotten about the paint. My worst, however, was when I had my face in a cupboard at my cousin’s place when I was babysitting my angels and I had to ‘snap myself out of it’ when the little one started crying upstairs. My first thought had been; Just let her cry, it’ll pass, I’ll go check when the binge is over. And when it hit me what I had just thought my heart started racing. How could that thought had popped up in mý head?! But it took me another few moments to actively snap myself out of it before I could ‘leave’ my binge to check up on my little one. Oh my, how guilty I have felt about this for so long… And still do.

The fact that my eating disorder turned me into a scared little mouse didn’t help my social me, either. Even if I wasn’t too pre-occupied with food to simply even care to text my friends back, I had become too scared to leave the house anyway. My inner mammasooz was dead. It was solo-Sooz now, and most of the time, that didn’t even bother me. Not that I didn’t want to reconnect with them, I just wasn’t willing or able to put them first. I didn’t even register it as ‘un-Sooz’-like. My mind was too busy with food related thoughts to even realize there were people out there that cared (or used to care) and who I (used to) care about, too. I had completely lost touch with reality, and even more disturbingly; with my emotions. I lost touch with me.

Even when people expressed their concerns, I laughed it off. I was fiiiiiine, hey, watchatalkingabout! And even when my breakingpoint was there, and I realized that, shiiiit, something needed to change, I still couldn’t share this with others. Because I had let myself drift so far away from them, I couldn’t find the courage to build a bridge back to them and ask them to take me back.

I think the first moment of re-opening up (it’s a word), was when my best friend had sent an email to my mum about how concerned he was, and that if there was anything in the world he could do, she should let him know. That he had talked to his own mom about it for nights and nights and they felt so helpless, and that the least he thought he could do was send my mom an email and tell her that she was always welcome at their place whenever she wanted. After I decided I was gonna go and try to get better, my mom showed me the email. The day after I admitted and discharged myself from the ER I spontaneously jumped in the car and drove to his place. I only had ten minutes (my mom needed the car back) but I just wanted to give him a hug and tell him I was ‘on it’, you know, the whole trying to change for the better thing. His mom answered the door and told me my friend wasn’t home. So instead, I hugged her and told her everything was gonna be alright, and to tell my friend that too. That I was working on it. And that I loved them and thanked them for everything. And we cried and I went back home. I think that was the first time I let myself feel again, and actually show it too.

Well, safe to say that ever since that moment I’ve been the same old emotional wreck I used to be! Hormones are funny things. Now I have my mommasooz qualities back, but in a more adult-type of way now. It’s no longer ‘everyone before me’, I can balance things out better now. It’s a lot harder to realize you need to take care of yourself too, instead of always and only of others. But I am to say that I am, once again, the girl to cry with, to talk to and to turn to. And I love the fact that I have managed to be given that position again. It is who I am, and who I want to be; the approachable part of the whole. I care again. And I am cared for, again. And I love it.


16 thoughts on “WAMM part VI; Uninterested

  1. <3 I'm sorry I haven't commented on your posts in awhile, but the words you right are so vulnerable and honest that I love reading them. Hugs. Thank you so much for sharing your intimate thoughts and memories, despite the pain it may cause for you to write them.
    love you.

  2. I’m glad Mommasooz is back, in a more balanced way. Disorders really do make people selfish and self-involved, it’s only when you look back you can really see it and how much it takes away.

    Your friend sounds so precious Sooz, he’s a good ‘un. xx

  3. That is a wonderful description, I’ve found ‘finding’ balance. It is often said ED is all about , ‘black and white thinking’. It’s also taken me a long time to learn about assertion, that is caring for others, INCLUDING myself. I have felt it’s hard to care, mainly as I struggle with my own ‘self hate’. As I learn a bit about myself, I’m SLOWLY learning I need to take care of myself, so I enjoy and be part of the lives of those I care about.Thank you for sharing, it’s inspirational…lol

  4. I can relate to the eating disorder-uninterested-thing. It is really painful to recognize that what I used to be – caring and interested in other people and other things got replaced by my eating disorder. Because the real me that does care is still inside me but just out of reach. That was how it was at the worst.

    I appreciate hearing about this tender part of your journey and I’m glad you have moved beyond that sad place. I also glad to hear that you have some wonderful loving people in your life. The best is when we can care for other people AND ourselves at the same time.

  5. oh maaan do i remember the secret binges, the wishing everyone would leave so i could eat in peace in the dark kitchen. secret car ride binges, secret bedroom binges. thinking about food while in the presence of laughter and conversation. UGH. never again…

    i am hesitant to say that you were “given that position again”. i feel like it is more…you accepted who you are, again, and allowed yourself to express that person from within. i think that’s what you’re saying, anyway.

    it’s nice to come alive again, isn’t it? to recognize that person still alive inside and let her out? that is connecting again. regrounding. see? you’re definitely still here, love. never give up on her.

  6. … again.. you manage to articulate things I can’t. Or won’t. Or have just blocked out from memory. The carelessness, the irresponsibility… when previously I used to be the one taking care of everyone else and everyting else… To suddenly just.. be uninterested.. Or worse yet, believe I STILL am taking care of others but am really not and not even realising it. Isolating myself, not going out with others so I wouldn’t have to eat with them, yet nonsensically enough, can’t wait to hide alone in my room to binge on the very same foods I can’t eat with them. Not wanting to go out for dinner with friends or leaving work on time rather than staying back like I normally would to make sure all my work was done and patients were A-ok just so I could make gym classes and jump around like a mindless monkey ( literally mindless…). Sneaking off to the staff rooms numerous times during work to binge on food rather than concentrating on my work..- so so so dangerous, so so so irresponsible, so so so .. irrational.. so so so.. unlike me.. yet??

    Starting to *finally* get past that, * i think*…people tell you recovery takes.. years.. And you start to think it never ends.. the irrational thoughts, the food obsessions,.. but.. it does ease off eventually. Sometimes though, I wonder.. do i WANT to go back to who I was? Because that’s what let me down this road in th efirst place. Maybe its time to start finding a NEW me… if that makes any sense?

    • Hi Min!!

      That makes PERFECT sense. And I dont think youll go back to being the ‘old you’. We’ve been through too much already, people change! We’re more experienced with life, whether we like it or not, and that will show in the way we act and think.

      Good to hear youre feeling like you’re getting past certain behaviors. Yesterday, after an inpromptu easter dinner with my family, my uncle came up to me and said; Sooz, you look great. And I was all like ‘mhm nothing fits ugh dont get me started’ and he said; ‘no, that’s not what I mean. YOU look good. You’re calm again, and your eyes are clear. I can see YOU again’. And this came from one of the most downtoearth, blunt and loud people I know. I guess we do change Min!

  7. :D your uncle sounds amazing .. and… times like this.. you realise people actually SEE more than just your size. They don’t just look, they SEE… and that includes everything.. how you behave, your eyes.. and essentially.. life.

    Tis funny. All that energy I thought I had before-preventing you from really realising you had a prob cos heck.. you’re functioning well, even excelling, aren’t you? It’s all nervous energy.. restlessness..not real, wholesome energy of living. And truth be told, sometimes I DO miss how much more “productive” I was .. but… it just not living, is it? AAAahs… so much more to learn.. that life isn’t just about us… and you can’t love others until you love yourself.. so technically, loving yourself is the most unselfish thing ever ! :D So go LIVE!! :D

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