International Womens Day

As you probably noticed, today was/is international womens day. To be honest, I have never noticed it to be this broadly to touched upon in the media. But that could be just me. Hey I’m only slowly just rolling into this 21st century technology “updatedness”, so I suppose that could explain that!

However, it made me think. Not in the -there’s so much for women in the world to achieve still- kinda way as it probably should have made me think (alright I’ll admit, I did think of that too, because I am a social scientist nerd with a weak heart for human rights issues), but more in a -wow wait, should I be celebrating this?!- kinda way.

Lemme explain.

It is international WOMENs day. Stressing that one word; women.

People treat me like an adult again. Why? Because I look like one. Yes, I know, shocker right? I look like a proper adult.

I have boobs (alright… boobies), an ass (for real yo, it’s quite impressive…), and all the wiggle and jiggle in between that has managed to give me a curved and well-rounded body. Also, my brain functions on a healthy (adult) leven again. I can think straight, joke, work and converse at a functional level. Man, I can even kid people into thinking I ám a regularly functional adult.

But am I?

International womens day has left me wondering; Am I a woman? Or, more so; do I consider myself to be a woman?

To be honest? I still refer to myself as a girl. Now I know I am still young (24, still a baaaaby practically! Errr…). So I am not sure if still seeing myself as a girl is odd, off or weird. -Is it?-. However, I have noticed over the past years my friends are shifting away from using the word “girl” to describe themselves. Some now say woman, others use more “lady”-like words. And it’s not just things like this that makes me wonder…

IMG_20130209_003415

I have gotten to the age where people around me are chasing careers. Having babies (none of my friends, but people I know, friends of friends, former classmates, current Uni-friends etc). Some are getting married, or even having a second kid. Most of my friends who aren’t in a committed relationship are starting to seriously worry, though. Like, OMG I am now so old I will end up a sad spinster-type of worried. I have multiple friends who are on dating websites, a few of them in a relationship formed through one even. I have friends embracing the one-night stands because they’ve not been ‘having any for too long’ (their words, not mine), and others who are swearing them off because they feel they need to outgrow that phase. Most of them are still in Uni (we Dutchies are (in)famous for studying forever and forever), however quite a few are already seriously stressing out about their choices and whether this is really want they want to do for the rest of their lives. A few are struggling with finding good jobs, ending up extremely frustrated and struggling with rent and mortgages.

My friends are growing into real life adults. But am I?

I wonder..  Am I growing into being an adult? Or am I stuck, struggling with ‘fixing’ myself so much that I freeze my entire life just because I need to “get this over with first” before I can move on?

I think, through everything I have been through the past few years being ill, has definately given me a perspective on life that other people my age might not have. I think it gave me some (life)experience that might make me a bit wiser for my age. However, when it comes to so many other parts of life, I am so so far behind on people my age.  I want children more than anything at some point, yet I managed to damage my body so badly I don’t even know it’ll still be possible. Plus; dating is not even on my radar right now, and it hasn’t been for years. I have no career ideals, no ambitions and I do not feel like I am ready to settle down and find a steady longterm job either. I’d much rather plan my next trip. I have trouble relating to quite some of my friends’ stories and struggles at times, quite simply because I have no experience in the field they’re talking about, let alone the struggles they meet there.

Has this “eating disorder thing” quite simply still left me a scared little mouse?

I’ll admit this is quite a painful subject to me. Whereas I used to be the girl that was one of the more worldly ones (I started working when I was sixteen, going abroad for my first job straight up. Had volunteerjobs on the side since seventeen, travelled the world solo, etc) being nicnamed ‘mommasooz’ since as long as I can remember, I somehow became the baby of the group. And that hurts more than I want to admit.

So where do I go from here? Where do I prioritize? What comes first, what comes next? What do I want and what not. Am I ready for certain things, and if not, when? I realize these are all questions none of you are able to answer for me. But maybe we could start a little discussion here in the comment section, maybe that will help me think things over.  Maybe you have things to add?

Do you consider yourself to be an adult? What makes an adult an adult? What’s your view on a steady relationship, a steady job, a steady future? And how would you feel if one of your friends would really lack in life-experience? Would you still be able to relate to them?

*Please keep the image mine (it’s old, yes I know Ed)

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17 thoughts on “International Womens Day

  1. Great topic, I really find it hard to.. I think as much as recovery is really important, maybe there is a time to ‘timetable’ my week. I’ve been introduced the work.life balance.So I spend time hopefully on different areas of my life. Thinking about, ‘adult’, it is agreed that the human brain stops growing at 25, so maybe you nearly there! I have tried to move on, I still relate strongly to ED sufferers. I think whatever I call myself I still fight the ED, So for now of course I relate. It’s seems a bit different as my mother and grandmother always look younger than there age. This does result in people guessing I’m a decade younger so I DO get called, ‘a girl’. Sometimes I do like it, as I’m behind my peers in alot of areas. I find my fear is ‘adults’, this does include me,’are reasonisible for themselves’ and often others. I think this is a hard truth to get my head around!…lol

    • I’ve heard that is really common in EDsufferers though, the not being ready to deal with the grown-up stuff. I don’t really think that goes for me, since I don’t mind responsibility (except maybe the one for myself.. Hmm). And I don’t mind hard work either. I think for me the main obstacle in considering myself an adult is simply because I am so far behind on my peers on certain areas that it’s… laughable..

  2. i love your introspection, beautiful smart bird.

    on a personal level, i don’t think i am much of an adult. physically, i’ve been an adult since i was eleven or twelve. having a womanly body as a child helped make me a child, emotionally, for years to come. i am still grappling with maturing into adulthood emotionally. however, i don’t think i am alone. i don’t think this is anything to worry much about. VERY FEW, if ANY, people our age have life figured out. the more i remember that, the more i relax into my personhood and am able to accept myself, my strengths and my weaknesses.

    there are a lot of “shoulds” out there too. a lot of “guidelines” we’re “supposed” to follow. the truth is, we’re really not. lives do not look like books, well plotted and well concluded. you simply live. steady anything is luck and boredom combined. life doesn’t need routine steadiness — we’re just taught that. i think you’ve answered your question of, what next? —> “What do I want and what not.”

    what do you want? picture it, no matter how crazy or out of reach those dreams are. and what do you prioritize? you. your health. your well being. your body, mind, and soul. once you’ve settled your heart some, you can start on your way. babes, you got the world open to you. you’re amazing and brilliant and funny and sweet natured. stop over thinking, stop blaming yourself, stop victimizing yourself. work on forgiving yourself. you’ve done nothing wrong, nothing bad. you’ve just lost the love you need to keep life light.

    be well, honey bee. you’ve got love and support to get you through.

    • Ah bee too sweet :)

      I think what I feel I mainly lack (like, totally lack) is the “relationship thing”. Its such a big obstacle (on SO many levels) that I feel it seperates me from my peers, my friends and it also blocks me and my growth in a lot of ways. Mm..

  3. Eating disorder definetely stalls maturity….they say you stop maturing at the time you develop ED so many people in recovery will start adding on years of sobriety to the age they left off…there are 54 year olds who say they are “really” 27.

    But what I really want to say is the ED or not ALL of these feelings are normal at 24. I promise. Even despite the lifestyle (kids, etc…) I am sure all your friends can relate.

    BUT MOST IMPORTANT.
    Girls.
    We are Girls, and we will always be Girls and that’s because we say so.
    I will be 80 and still be going out with “my girls”

    I think we need to take back that word…I am. Join me.

    • But sometimes I don’t want to be the girl. Like, when I’m in front of a class full of teenagers, I am ‘miss’ or ‘ma’am’ or whatever. And I want to be able to feel like a miss or a ma’am then. And though I agree I will always still be the girl I think what bugs me most is that I feel like I am missing out on some serious (and potentially good) stuff by shying away from adult-stuffs?

      But yeah Ill always be one of the girls, fo sho!

      • I think I see what you mean..
        I relate WAY too much to teenagers and as someone who want to teach maybe it is very intimidating.
        However, I have learned that nothing will make you realize how old you are until you hang around the young-uns.
        I often feel like I relate WAY to much to 20 somethings…college kids. Then after a while around them I recognize my maturity right away.

        In other words, sometimes I feel like a lot of the insecurity that we feel about being un-adultlike is actually one of the lies the Eating dis-order tells us and we sell ourselves short.

      • Yes funny you mention that. They used to say my (two years younger) brother looked older than me. Until he/we opened his/our mouth. Then instantly it was clear who was older. I guess that’s true, our maturity ‘shines through’ more than we realize

  4. I feel like a woman, and like a girl. Woman in me is caring, kind towards others, tries to live life wisely. Girl in me loves to dress in sequins and burst out to a dance. I need both sides! And even then it sometimes feels it is not enough for me to feel lastingly happy. So I continue to search fervently. Reading you gives me ideas and hope.

    • Susa!!! Long time no speak!!

      To be honest, you, to me, are like the perfect example of how girl and woman can be combined. And add some lady to the mix as well btw! A careerwoman, your own business, a fashionista, an artiste, a wife, a glitter fanatic, a teacher. Yes!

      Lastingl happiness is also quite a humongous thing to strive for love!! But a beautiful one nonetheless :)

  5. Pingback: Motivational Monday; Staying positive | THE WORLD OF CHAOS IN MY HEAD

  6. This is a deep topic. I’m feeling kind of mentally tired right now. But wanted to stop in and say that even though I don’t have any well thought out comment, i’m sure I’ll be thinking on these questions. So Thanks for that.

  7. Just caught up with this post and I can relate in so many ways! I feel as if I lack the maturity of a woman, being in a relationship with children etc etc, and yet while I’m working I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve been called ‘Mum’ by a kid!

    Thought provoking post Sooz, and in all honesty I don’t know how I feel about it all either – woman/girl/career/life/blah.

    You’re still young though Sooz, you’re not meant to have everything figured out at 24! xx

    • Im not implying I should have it all figured out by now. I dont think I even want to. However.. Its a bunch of certain life-experience that I lack that my peers do have, which makes me feel like a social alien? Ifthatmakesanysense

      • Yep it makes perfect sense, I feel the same in many ways. I’m mature/immature at the same time, and do often wish I had the same experiences as those my own age instead of being so wrapped up in a stupid disorder. You’re not the only social alien x

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