Warning; this is a long & emotional challenge-post again!
20. Say thanks for today
I don’t mean this light-heartedly.
I know this entire month of challenges is about emphasizing all the (sometimes very mundane) positive things in life. About incorporating the awareness of them into your daily thought. To try to be mindful about all the amazing things life has to offer.
But let’s be honest here; there’s still crap-ass days. I’m pretty sure even the most positive of positive people still have those bleurgh-days. Those days where, after a few minutes, you already realize you should just go back to bed and wake up again tomorrow. When external forces move you out of balance, be it the flu, someone else’s health, a traffic jam so you miss your (very important) meeting, spilling coffee over your favourite (white!) shirt, or whatever. And most of the time, these are the days where I end up in destruction mode. I binge.
Wow, did I just write that?
When everything fails, I (naturally) feel like I’m the failure. And when I cannot control what happens, I will grab something I can control.
I grab food.
As an anorexic, I would ‘choose’ to not eat. But that only has an effect in the long run. Starvation (helpfully) makes you numb. But it’s not like one day of not eating makes an (ex)anorexic feel like a champ and in control. So one day of failure doesn’t call for such ‘long-term measures’ (heya, don’t even try and think it’s actually a fix for anything y’all!). So I grab the short-term measure; I binge.
Bingeing has now become my way to close myself off from the world. This is nothing new, because it is exactly what anorexia served for as well. Now, those (notsovery)blissful hours I stand hovering above the sink, face planted in the fridge, shoving everything in arms’ reach into my mouth are the moments I forget everything else going on in my life. Those deadlines, the letter of rejection, the bills, that fight I just had, whatever. They all disappear as long as I stuff them away with everything in sight; I drown my emotions with food. I am numb, again.
And then the beating up starts. I didn’t just fail the day, I failed anorexia. But mostly so; I failed myself. Again. I am worthless, a sorry piece of shit, look at what I have become! I cry, I shout, I scream, I run back to the fridge. This continues for hours before I force myself into bed, unable to sleep because of the heat rushes, the bouncing heart, the pain in my belly, the pain in my joints for hovering over the kitchen counter for hours like a hunchback gone mad, and the head-ache from the crying and the insults. I wasted yet another precious day of this glorious life. I fall asleep feeling like the biggest failure on earth.
Say thank you for today? Ha! You’ve got to be kidding me, right?
I am not the biggest failure on earth. Neither are you. There’s no such thing. Nobody’s perfect, yet we all are. But nobody deserves to go to bed feeling like the biggest failure on earth. Nobody deserves to go to bed feeling hate or hated. Or both. Both directed at yourself, even. Today wasn’t a waste. You are not a waste. Today was a day to be thankful for, today had a lesson to draw from. Today was a gift, like any and every other day. You are a gift. You are to be thankful for.
So however blue, unfair, failed or miserable the day has felt thus far, and however blue, failed or miserable you have felt; turn it around before you call it a night. Don’t beat yourself up. Take a moment to sit, to process, to accept and to redirect. To close it off with a twist. Open yourself up to what today was really about. What is one day, anyway? One day doesn’t make imbalance, one day doesn’t make failure. Today was what it was, and tomorrow is a fresh start, as every morning is. So take your time to say thanks for today, to say thanks for yourself for making it through, and say thanks to yourself for being you. Because you’re pretty darn awesome. You are pretty darn capable, lovable and worthy. And today had quite some silver linings. Tomorrow, focus on some positive things around you again, because there are so many. Allow yourself to wake up peacefully again, without judgement. Without judgement to the new day, and without judgement to yourself. Allow the day to bloom, allow yourself to blossom.
Sweet dreams :)
+ Can you consciously register and share five things that made today good or even just a littl better? Sights, people, things, smiles, just… stuffs?
*Picture is mine, please keep it that way