A Positive Month; Day 20

Warning; this is a long & emotional challenge-post again!

I enjoy my morning routine, I enjoy sunsets and sunrises. I love the idea of mindfully greeting the day as a positive kickstart. But for today, I want you to think about the following;

20.       Say thanks for today

I don’t mean this light-heartedly.

I know this entire month of challenges is about emphasizing all the (sometimes very mundane) positive things in life. About incorporating the awareness of them into your daily thought. To try to be mindful about all the amazing things life has to offer.

But let’s be honest here; there’s still crap-ass days. I’m pretty sure even the most positive of positive people still have those bleurgh-days. Those days where, after a few minutes, you already realize you should just go back to bed and wake up again tomorrow. When external forces move you out of balance, be it the flu, someone else’s health, a traffic jam so you miss your (very important) meeting, spilling coffee over your favourite (white!) shirt, or whatever. And most of the time, these are the days where I end up in destruction mode. I binge.

Wow, did I just write that?

When everything fails, I (naturally) feel like I’m the failure. And when I cannot control what happens, I will grab something I can control.

I grab food.

As an anorexic, I would ‘choose’ to not eat. But that only has an effect in the long run. Starvation (helpfully) makes you numb. But it’s not like one day of not eating makes an (ex)anorexic feel like a champ and in control. So one day of failure doesn’t call for such ‘long-term measures’ (heya, don’t even try and think it’s actually a fix  for anything y’all!). So I grab the short-term measure; I binge.

Bingeing has now become my way to close myself off from the world. This is nothing new, because it is exactly what anorexia served for as well. Now, those (notsovery)blissful hours I stand hovering above the sink, face planted in the fridge, shoving everything in arms’ reach into my mouth are the moments I forget everything else going on in my life. Those deadlines, the letter of rejection, the bills, that fight I just had, whatever. They all disappear as long as I stuff them away with everything in sight; I drown my emotions with food. I am numb, again.

And then the beating up starts. I didn’t just fail the day, I failed anorexia. But mostly so; I failed myself. Again. I am worthless, a sorry piece of shit, look at what I have become! I cry, I shout, I scream, I run back to the fridge. This continues for hours before I force myself into bed, unable to sleep because of the heat rushes, the bouncing heart, the pain in my belly, the pain in my joints for hovering over the kitchen counter for hours like a hunchback gone mad, and the head-ache from the crying and the insults. I wasted yet another precious day of this glorious life. I fall asleep feeling like the biggest failure on earth.

Say thank you for today? Ha! You’ve got to be kidding me, right?

Wrong.

I am not the biggest failure on earth. Neither are you. There’s no such thing. Nobody’s perfect, yet we all are. But nobody deserves to go to bed feeling like the biggest failure on earth. Nobody deserves to go to bed feeling hate or hated. Or both. Both directed at yourself, even. Today wasn’t a waste. You are not a waste.  Today was a day to be thankful for, today had a lesson to draw from. Today was a gift, like any and every other day. You are a gift. You are to be thankful for.

So however blue, unfair, failed or miserable the day has felt thus far, and however blue, failed or miserable you have felt; turn it around before you call it a night. Don’t beat yourself up. Take a moment to sit, to process, to accept and to redirect. To close it off with a twist. Open yourself up to what today was really about. What is one day, anyway? One day doesn’t make imbalance, one day doesn’t make failure. Today was what it was, and tomorrow is a fresh start, as every morning is. So take your time to say thanks for today, to say thanks for yourself for making it through, and say thanks to yourself for being you. Because you’re pretty darn awesome. You are pretty darn capable, lovable and worthy. And today had quite some silver linings. Tomorrow, focus on some positive things around you again, because there are so many. Allow yourself to wake up peacefully again, without judgement. Without judgement to the new day, and without judgement to yourself. Allow the day to bloom, allow yourself to blossom.

P1090030

Sweet dreams :)

+ Can you consciously register and share five things that made today good or even just a littl better? Sights, people, things, smiles, just… stuffs?

*Picture is mine, please keep it that way

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14 thoughts on “A Positive Month; Day 20

  1. What a powerful post, you are a wonderful writer, although I still ‘go to the not eating thing when it’s all to much’, I do go to bed often feeling I’ve let people including myself down, hence I identify with the self hate thoughts. I try hard to be grateful, it was a challenge of a nurse of mine, to do a gratitude journal, this helps ground me. Mornings are special, I’ve made it though the night flashback or not.. I’m still here, I’m also thankful for a warm bed, the sky , nature, my dogs and my friendships. I consider myself really lucky after many years of looking finally have a wonderful professional team, they are so compassionate, I do feel VERY blessed as I’m aware others are fighting for basic help..so I’ll always remember people doing it harder than me and send them angles on earth lol
    p.s thank you for such courage to let me in to your private life, I;m grateful to feel not alone in the self hate stuff,,

  2. Finally one I can do!

    Gosh, and one I NEEDED.
    I am binge city command central over here and i realate one hundred eleventy percent to what you wrote.
    Today? I have not binge ate….but because the weight and bloating is still with me my entire days are spent in a sort of misery.

    And the immediate relief of that? The food.
    Feelijng fat – ironically triggers me to binge.

    But Today does not have to be a waste.
    I enjoyed helping my clients, I was able to get stuff done, I ate lunch, I poked fun with my mother, listening to my Dad made me smile (he was talking to himself whilst working).

    And you. That was six.
    I one-upped you.

    • Of course feeling fat triggers a binge. That’s no irony, that’s distorted logic; eating disorder(ed) logic!

      I don’t think anyone would ever claim that eating disorders make sense. That’s why they are just that; disordered. And you also have to keep in mind that what you call a binge has a very healthy goal. Your mind doesn’t really want to wrap around it, but your body both needs as well as deserves all the extra’s it can get. And yuss, that feels like crap. ‘Scuze the pun.

      Good to hear you’re still laughing. Laughing makes everything a little better, even if just that one moment itself. For me, the day is almost finished (eeearly call tomorrow), but you still have quite some hours to enjoy! I had a good day today, I’ll send you the rest of it, since I won’t be using it if I’m asleep anyway. Go ahead and make something out of it Melis!

    • Yeah…it is like…so excruciating to be in my skin that like I just want to numb out …. and that’s what the food does.
      And it is binge eating.
      You are right though, because maybe the calories may at like 3000 in a day and that is not SO bad in terms of normal caloric intake ….still it is awful. And cyclic.

      PS- I had to google “Bounty”

  3. the photo at the bottom if fucking beautiful!

    one day i hope binges won’t get you so down. i can say that, as a person who binges, still, consistently, i wake up without shame, guilt, anger, fear. some days i feel the weight of the weight but other days, most every day post binge, i shrug it off. perhaps i should be more outraged at myself for mistreating my body, mind, and spirit, but i just…can’t, anymore. i can only keep moving forward. if i don’t, i wallow for months. cannot. do. that. shit. any. more. (wallow, i mean).

    • Wallowing is a waste of energy. And time. So you’re absolutely right. I am slowly getting better at the ‘picking myself up’ thing, mostly indeed because I am just too.frickin.tired of it. Thank you dear

      • you ARE getting better at it! i am so happy you see that :) sometimes it’s hard to measure the length of your progress when you’re sunk in it all. it gets easier, promise promise. love you boo.

  4. Pingback: A Positive Month; The round-up + an extra | THE WORLD OF CHAOS IN MY HEAD

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