A Positive Month; Day 1

So, today is the first dat of February 2013. Can you believe it?! Thank you for reading and (maybe) joining this month’s daily challenges! I réally appreciate it.

Today’s ‘challenge’ might not really feel like a challenge to you, so I suppose it will seem like an easy start to this month of daily ‘tasks’. Let me first introduce the challenge for today, and then let me elaborate on the subject

  1. Take a long, hot shower

There was a time, not too long ago, when I was unable to let myself do just that; take a long, nice, hot shower. Now, you may not know this, but everyone who has ever lived or travelled with me knows that I love long showers. There are very few things traveling made me appreciate more than good showers; oh how I missed those when on the road! A hot morning shower is the only way I am able to wake up (seriously, it doesn’t even come close to the coffee-effect), and when my mind is racing it is the only way to calm me down. When I am cold, nothing warms me like a hot shower and when I am tired, it lifts me up like nothing else. But as I just mentioned, there was a time where I couldn’t do this, where I couldn’t let myself take that much-desired shower.

Why? That’s a hard one to answer. But when I was deep into my anorexia, I didn’t allow myself a lot. Of anything. This went way beyond not being allowed food. I would deliberately keep myself up for nights and nights, and when I did allow myself to sleep, I would make myself sleep on the cold wooden floors next to my bed. I didn’t allow myself to go out with friends and have fun, to wear nice clothes, to buy nice things, to turn on the lights or the heating when home alone, and I did not allow myself to take an unnecessary shower. Because I was not worthy of that. I did not deserve to feel good. I did not deserve anything.

This is why I ask you to do just this today; take a nice, long, hot shower (or bath, if you have one). Just to ease yourself into the new day, or to rewind after a long one. Just because it is nice, because you can, and not because you have to be allowed to enjoy something. Because you simply always deserve to feel nice. Because you are worth to be taken care of, not just by others, but by yourself. Take this moment to just unwind and relax, and continue your day as a bit more peaceful you.

Enjoy :)


13 thoughts on “A Positive Month; Day 1

  1. I remember when I had to have a 4pm bath every single day. I’d be in there until the water started to cool down. It would be scalding because I could never get warm no matter the weather when in ED, and my skin would be red raw, and my bones would bruise my skin on the bottom of the bath.
    Now I mostly have showers, because I don’t feel so weird about looking at myself, and the hot water doesn’t make me feel like I’m going to pass out like it did before and showers are so awesome.
    When I have a bath now, its for pure skin luxury reasons. You know, I’ll buy expensive bath salts and stuff to make the most of it, and obviously it no longer hurts my bones anymore because I’m no longer a see-through human.
    Nice challenge/post etc.
    Hugs Sooz x

    • Oh yes, shower/bathe until my skin turned purple… And still be cold! External warmth doesn’t do the trick when you’re cold on the inside hm?

      What’s your fave brand of bath products? I splurged on someRituals products yesterday, mmmhmm!!

  2. Consider it done!

    It’s so sad that you denied yourself so much, not just food but other simple pleasures. When I was very underweight I loved hot showers because it was the only time I actually felt vaguely warm – until the second I stepped out and was freezing again!

    Looking forward to tomorrow’s challenge x

    • Yes, later on I showered at least twice a day, and every time before I had to go out as well, just to warm up enough to be able to face the big bad world again. But the first period of my illness, when I didn’t even realize I was ill, was very complicated and revolved around so much more than food?

      I hope you enjoyed your shower!

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  4. I’ve done mine!
    I’m sorry you used to be so abusive to yourself. I’m glad you are doing this challenge – because you do deserve kindness, you deserve the basic things that other people take for granted but you haven’t allowed yourself – you deserve more than that – to be happy, to enjoy things, to have treats even! I hope you enjoyed your shower.
    I do relate – because I struggle to feel I deserve anything and have been pretty stingy and nasty to myself too.
    This is definitely a great challenge, I’m in :) xx

    • It’s a pretty ‘strange’ disease, and it manifests in so many more ways than just food-wise. The weirdest thing is that I thought it was way normal. Later on I would even simply tell my flatmate or my parents or whatever that I wouldnt turn on the heat when alone, that I’d sleep on the floors etc because I didnt realize it was weird. And I totally thought théy were weird and overreacting when they thought I was being stupid!

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