Wow…… I mean. Yeah…….

I just found an old picture-dump of mine the other day and damn, did that hit home or what.

Not old as in, sick. Not confrontating as in, sickly.
Old as in; happy. Confrontating as in; that was me.

Where did she go?

Do you have a picture of yourself when you think you look/felt happy? A state of being (not of body) you want to feel again? What’s the you you miss?


18 thoughts on “Pictures

  1. I don’t know. I know the feeling. It also can make you wonder, what happened, how did I get from that, to this? Where am I now, am I still in there somewhere? Was I ever really that person? Or am I still that person now, just hiding? Lost?
    It’s puzzling to me how I was once able to be comfortable in my body and alive and just me. It’s like a foreign concept to me now.
    She’s like a stranger to me. I think she was pretty and sweet and yet I know she didn’t see it, felt awkward and wasn’t happy at all really. It just wasn’t her trying to obliterate herself. She was instead, fighting to survive.
    Sorry for the blabbing. Thank you for making me think. Keep looking at those pictures. I do think we can get back the part of ourselves we miss. Maybe part of doing that is being able to accept the parts we don’t quite want, too?
    Love and hugs xoxox

      • Not that I can think of to be honest. My mum didn’t let us have our pictures., so had access to very few and the ones I do have, there is always something going on in the background (memories.)

      • A memory then? Or a scent, a song, a book, whatever? Something specific that brings back a memory of you being/feeling completely content? I guess I’m trying to find some tangible things for myself to surround myself with, in order to actively remember the good things/times

  2. I get all nostalgic and sad when I look through pictures. I sometimes go through facebook pictures when I’m feeling sad and look at all the pictures of me in first year. I often wonder where that girl went. I was popular, worked hard, was care free, had none of the food worries and now I’m a right mess.

    For me the state of being and body go together in the sense I didn’t care.

    I look at that happy, healthy looking girl and wish I could be her again. I’m angry at myself for all the shit I’ve put my body and mind through these last 2 years. I want her life. I wish I never started trying to control my food.


    • Is there something you can think of that is specifically different now than it was then? Is it something.. tangible, and therefor, changeable? Like, is there something you can think of that can get you to go to a similar state of being and feeling again?

  3. Hi there,
    Interesting topic.
    yeah i have several photos of myself at other times when I was really happy. They all included being happy in my body as well as my soul. Actually now that I think over the happiest times in my life, they all included being lively in my body in dance and/or nature. Also being more healthy. I’ve always dealt with health issues. But when I was at the healthiest times was when I was being very creative with dance and stronger, more flexible in my body.

    The sad thing is that much of my adult life has been in depression and eating disorder and for a while in alcohol abuse and general physical depletion. During that it has been hard to be grounded in these memories of what used to make my heart sing. Depression is the opposite of that. Sometimes, while in a deep depression, to remember those happier healthier times makes me feel even worse when I see what used to be, and now It’s gone.

    But thankfully I’ve been coming out of the darkest times. Regaining health slowly. I feel sad at what i’ve lost but I do feel hopeful that good stuff is to come now. Most of all I miss the sureness I used to feel that I had something special to offer the world with my dance and movement studies. I was passionate about it. And I’ve lost that confidence and sense of purpose.

    • Hi Gel!
      Glad to hear you feel you’re on a better path right now. You’re going in the right direction, in the end, that’s what counts right. Feeling like you’re heading somewhere?
      Do you think it would help if you would simply put on some music and dance every (other) day or something? Like, even if you’re just home alone, no judgement, just you reconnecting with that happy place?
      And the fact you no longer feel your studies fit that passion/confidence/purpose, doesn’t mean you can’t find something else to replace it with. I know very few people who stay passionate their entire lives about the same thing, whether they’ve dealt with mental health-issues or not. We grow, we develop, and it’s totally normal our interests take different turns. Maybe you can think of something else to pick up and try?

  4. Yes to all you said.
    Actually I do still have passion for everything I’ve ever been passionate about. It’s just that I am so depleted (by those things I mentioned) that I don’t have the energy and the mental focus to develop anything right now. The new thing lately is that as I’ve realized how much illness has robbed me of rather than that I’m some how flawed or a bad person etc…I’ve felt relieve of some of the hopelessness and low self esteem. So that is why I said I feel that I’m coming out of the darkest phase.

    What I don’t understand is that I can’t get myself to put on the music and dance like you suggested. I keep active with walking and doing movement therapy and gardening. I am slowly getting more active tho not the creative dance I used to do. Yes I have found that gardening is a new passion that I’m taking up. but again having low energy is a real impediment.

    thanks for this post and your comments. It helps me see that I’m further along than I’d realized. I’m going to a live drumming circle this weekend where I’ll dance. One of my favorite things is live drumming. It’s a giant group of drummers…like 25 people. and most of them are excellent drummers. It’s not a performance situation. Just doing it for the joy of it.

    How is this topic going for You?

    • If the passion is there, then don’t worry about not having the energy right now. Heal first, and then see where you can pick up again. Use it as a motivation, a drive. I think things like that, things that ignite some sort of fire of desire and hope inside us, really help not giving up on gloomy days. Realising that you’re missing something is a really big step towards going somewhere, it gives you a sense of direction, no?

      That live drumming thing sounds awesome! Drums can really be…. well, almost like drugs. If you get into the rythem of them, they can really take you out of your own head for a while or something. I hope it’ll ignite that little flame of yours a bit again!

      • Hey THANK YOU so much! I can’t tell you how helpful your post and comments have been for me today. I felt such a strong surge of joy and goose bumps when I read your words: “If the passion is there, then don’t worry about not having the energy right now. Heal first, and then see where you can pick up again. ”

        It’s because I know you’re right. I just finished writing at my blog and it was on the theme of priorities and first things first.

        Yes the drumming is like a drug…but it a good way. In fact in traditional cultures drumming is used to enter altered states, for healing and spiritual purposes. I think one reason so many people in modern cultures are attracted to drugs and get addicted is because we have few or no ways to alter our consciousness in healthy ways that have a spiritual purpose.

    • Of yourself, you mean? Beause first of all, you should never stop taking pictures of how you see the world!!
      And second; bee, don’t do that. You are gorgeous and that angelic face with that precious smile, they should be documented.Thirdly; Why? What is it in pictures that touches you (either negatively or positively). Do you have one where you think you /oozed happiness? Whats the difference between who you think you were then and who you feel you are now?

      • oh, of my self. i take plenty of photographs. i’m rarely in them. and if i am, it’s only pieces of me. i don’t photograph well now that the camera catches my fullness. because i don’t look like that — the lens picks up weird angles i have a hard time appreciating, because i don’t see that when i see me. old pictures terrify me because i look socially beautifully but personally haunted. i remember the emotions i was feeling and the fake ones i was projecting within the photograph. looking back at them makes me uncomfortable i guess because of memories. the ones i oozed happiness in were right before i fell from grace. i don’t like looking at those either.

      • Its so weird how different we see ourselves. Honestly, I know very few people who I think photograph as well as you do. You have this natural beauty that is impossible no to capture. I of course understand how your awareness of how you felt when the picture was taken obstructs you from judging the picture for what it is, and I agree that it will shine through. It always does, its the eyes man. But it is só unfair to say you currently dont photograph wel. Dude, your face will álways photograph well, its just one of thóse faces, you know?

  5. I’m always the happy sad girl…
    the happiest sad girl (or) the saddest happiest girl … you will ever meet.

    Here for example:

    I would pick that but…I was still struggling that year with food/overeating and weight gain.

    I think I have to go way back…

    • Don’t be too sure on taking that crown there Missy! I think a lot of us (me included) can be in the competition for happiest sad girl or saddest happiest girls.

      Love both pictures. The little you looks serene, actually. Not as I had expected the little Missy to be, since you always come across as such a full-of-energy type of girl! Maybe it was just the (serene, warm) moment that shines through in your smile and eyes there though?

  6. Pingback: Thank You Sooz! « Gentle Perseverence

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