While I was taking Bo for a little walk today (the short route; ’twas one of those days where I didn’t want to face people), I wondered something. I wonder a lot, true, but… It was one of those things where I want to ask people how they experience it. But it’s not, youknow, something you would actually ásk. So, I’ll ask you.
As I said, it was one of those days today. And I’ve been having those days a lot lately. Actually, the past 16 days have been such days, and except for the two weeks of Malaysia in between, the rest of this winter have been… quite similar. And, honestly, these days have been part of my life for years and years. Sometimes in extended periods, sometimes randomly squeezed in between non-such days. But they’ve been part of my life for at least 13 years. And with these days come these thoughts..
These thoughts, in varying degrees, all come down to; ‘I’d rather not be’. Or, ‘I wish I wasn’t’. And no, I didn’t fail on typing the last word of those sentences.
Four thirteen years, these thoughts have been a very real part of me. I therefore find it hard to believe that others don’t experience these feelings quite regularly. Though, I hope that nobody can relate to having these thoughts and feelings as a very real and existential (ironic?) part of your being. Not like, you thought it when you broke up with your ex, when your best friend passed or when your world crashed in some other way, no, I mean having these thoughts and feelings with you as a part of who you are. As a part of your core. A very large part of my core says that I’d rather not be, dare I say it?, alive..
I don’t say this to make you all go oh-oh-dear-Sooz you’ll be okay if you just hang on and you are loved and one day you’ll make 30 million and and have seven babies and live happily ever after. I don’t say this because I want you to reconfirm that I am worth being. I know, deep down, that everyone is. Yet this is how I feel and this is how I have felt for, well, more than half of my life. Safe to say then that this is a larger part of my core than a lot of other Soozness is.
It’s not like I want to throw myself off a building every single day. I’ve had those thoughts, but, they’ve been few and far in between. It’s not like I’ve sat in the dark bawling my eyes out for the past 13 years. Though, I’ve had a lot of those days in the far and not-so-far past. It’s not like I’ve cried myself to sleep every single night for my entire life either. Though, honestly, I think it might be half/half if one could tally up the nights all those years. It’s not like I’m a ‘risk’ factor, like I need crisis care. I don’t, and even on the darkest days when I did indeed think the darkest thoughts, I never actually did anything. Not really. It’s not like I ever would, because frankly, it’s not like I actually can or even want to. It’s just, these thoughts, are pretty much always with me.
And I was just wondering, is that as weird as it sounds now that I’ve typed it out…?