I wish I wasn’t

While I was taking Bo for a little walk today (the short route; ’twas one of those days where I didn’t want to face people), I wondered something. I wonder a lot, true, but… It was one of those things where I want to ask people how they experience it. But it’s not, youknow, something you would actually ásk. So, I’ll ask you.

A Christmas Buddha? Challenging my Karma I suppose..

My Christmas Buddha; I’m challenging my Karma I suppose?

As I said, it was one of those days today. And I’ve been having those days a lot lately. Actually, the past 16 days have been such days, and except for the two weeks of Malaysia in between, the rest of this winter have been… quite similar. And, honestly, these days have been part of my life for years and years. Sometimes in extended periods, sometimes randomly squeezed in between non-such days. But they’ve been part of my life for at least 13 years. And with these days come these thoughts..

These thoughts, in varying degrees, all come down to; ‘I’d rather not be’. Or, ‘I wish I wasn’t’. And no, I didn’t fail on typing the last word of those sentences.

Four thirteen years, these thoughts have been a very real part of me. I therefore find it hard to believe that others don’t experience these feelings quite regularly. Though, I hope that nobody can relate to having these thoughts and feelings as a very real and existential (ironic?) part of your being. Not like, you thought it when you broke up with your ex, when your best friend passed or when your world crashed in some other way, no, I mean having these thoughts and feelings with you as a part of who you are. As a part of your core. A very large part of my core says that I’d rather not be, dare I say it?, alive..

I don’t say this to make you all go oh-oh-dear-Sooz you’ll be okay if you just hang on and you are loved and one day you’ll make 30 million and and have seven babies and live happily ever after. I don’t say this because I want you to reconfirm that I am worth being. I know, deep down, that everyone is. Yet this is how I feel and this is how I have felt for, well, more than half of my life. Safe to say then that this is a larger part of my core than a lot of other Soozness is.

It’s not like I want to throw myself off a building every single day. I’ve had those thoughts, but, they’ve been few and far in between. It’s not like I’ve sat in the dark bawling my eyes out for the past 13 years. Though, I’ve had a lot of those days in the far and not-so-far past. It’s not like I’ve cried myself to sleep every single night for my entire life either. Though, honestly, I think it might be half/half if one could tally up the nights all those years. It’s not like I’m a ‘risk’ factor, like I need crisis care. I don’t, and even on the darkest days when I did indeed think the darkest thoughts, I never actually did anything. Not really. It’s not like I ever would, because frankly, it’s not like I actually can or even want to. It’s just, these thoughts, are pretty much always with me.

And I was just wondering, is that as weird as it sounds now that I’ve typed it out…?

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18 thoughts on “I wish I wasn’t

  1. not weird, not unusual, not absurd. those thoughts line all my journals from middle school on. the idea of not existing is so fascinating and uncomfortably addictive. i often wished to be erased, to redo, start over. i wanted to be new, not this person.

    love, i understand you. these thoughts are so real, so vivid and ensnaring. they exist so seem to exist as part of your core, your innate nature. negative thoughts like these spring from the foundation of your beliefs. your beliefs structure your environment and, unfortunately, a lot of these thoughts are based on faulty truths so deeply embedded, unlearning them nears impossible. it’s a madness you learn to grow alongside, to cope with through out your days.

    but to call it your core? i’m wary of that. maybe it developed in conjunction with your core, but i am hesitant to include it *in* your core. your core — your heart and soul — would never want for you to hurt like you do. core beliefs are not always based on truthful realities. but truthful core beliefs serve to help you. not the opposite. sometimes weeds go wild but we can always tame them, and, sometimes, remove them (though the processes through which we cleanse look different like our souls look different).

    i wish you weren’t feeling as you do, too. i wish this wasn’t a struggle you’ve endured for 13 plus years. mamas, i don’t know what else to tell you. but you’re brave and strong and i hope you see how much the world is cheering for you.

    • What is it that whatever you say touches me so deep, like no one else ever seems able? What is it that makes you draw me to tears so darn easily? Like you poke your finger right in my core, without attempting to hurt it.

      I owe you an email but I cant seem to gather the thoughts or words to respond properly. I am googling an ordering books though. And trying to find words to articulate things either out loud or on paper. I am buying a journal again tomorrow, it has been a year since I kept one. And I might, if I gather the courage, see if there are any yoga classes around this town to start. A start is a start, right?

      I miss you I love you I wish I was nearer.
      (DidyougetmytextforNYs?)

  2. i miss you and love you and wish i was nearer, too. no rush on the e-mail, love. maybe save all those words for the journal? happy to hear that’s an outlet you’re exploring. every little bit is a start and step in the right direction. and NO! — i didn’t get your text :(

  3. No not weird.
    I owe my own “it would all just be easier if” or “I may as well be happier if” thoughts but they seem tied up in the ED..tragedy etc. Just like your disclaimer….
    That being said…13 years.
    So how long as the food/weight..etc been part of you life? My guess is perhaps maybe just as long and who’s to know what the chicken or egg is but…you think?

    • I dont really know how long the food thing has been an issue. Weight never was. At least, not until I had to GAIN it that it became something I was aware of; I have never owned a scale. But food… I think longer than I’d like to admit. With periods of off and on though, but I think I can think of skewed eating-stuffs at least 6 years ago. But definately not thirteen. And back then, it was a happy me (from 6-3 years ago) so it was not in any way hindering me. Weird no, how things evolve in our lives and in us?

  4. Yeah…
    I’ve had those days… I have those days… less then I’ve had but still. And I agree with zoe here – no way it is your core! No f**king way!I think there are similar qualities that are inborn or depend on the families we were raised in, but still fifty/fifty – neah, Sozz! You are SO MUCH MORE!

    • Yes there’s more but the feeling of not wanting to be alive (which is different than wanting to die, IMO) has been such a real element of me-ness for SO long now, that it feels like this is my normal. If that makes any sense

  5. Not weird, Sooz, I hear you, and I get it. As long as I can remember, I’ve secretly wanted to not exist.
    I do not believe it’s YOU though. I believe that’s tiredness, wearyiness. There is so much more to you, and we see glimpses of that when you are more well, when you become alive in your spirit again.
    Hang on. I wish I could give you hope to hang on to. xxx

    • Not wanting to exist describes what I feel better than not wanting to be alive, indeed. I dont think its tiredness though, as I said, thirteen years is too long for that. And even in my better days, the thoughts still pop up. The rather not being feels like such an intregal part of my being

      • Im deeply sad that you feel this way, because you are such a special person and there are obviously many people whose hearts and lives you have touched :( xxx

  6. Sooz honestly, that reply from Zoe says more than I could ever hope to say. She is a lot more eloquent than me! Thinking of you dear xx

  7. I feel that too Sooz, I’ve wanted to disapoear for the longest time. I thought when I reached adulthood that I would just know how to deal with life but unfortunately life does not come with a manual.
    I cling to the hope that all this is happening for a reason and that reason will become apparent in time.
    From reading your blog I can tell you are one strong lady and so insightful and that ill carry you through.

    Stay strong
    Be kind to you x

  8. This is so honest. I don’t know how much I’ll dare to write here – in a public space, but I’ll say that I know what you are talking about. These “plays” with “what if I wasn’t there anymore”. They are things that are a part of our life, some of us, at least. Yet I know that when I’m doing better, the thoughts are not there anymore. So talking about them is a good thing. Then you can understand more and more, and find more and more answers. Things will not become perfect, but they can be better by realizing some things about ourselves. I believe in you, and appreciate our friendship!

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