I am ready to cancel New Years Eve with my friends. I can’t do it. I can’t face them, or anyone else. The past week feels like a year crammed into 8 days, and the past 2 days were the worst I’ve had in the entire ’12. There is nothing here to celebrate, not this year. I love my friends to pieces but I can’t ruin their new years just because I have crumbled to pieces. I know they’ll rather have me there, ofcourse. They are my friends. But I am not going to be their kryptonite for the night. I don’t want to put on the happy mask, it won’t even cover up the mess that is behind it anymore.
I want a God to believe in, or some higher power to lift me up from rock bottoms. There have been too many
I want a therapist to believe in. I want to believe in therapy. I don’t, due to experiences the past few years that have left me more hurt than healed by these specialized professionals
I want an epiphany. Finally. The moment from where things go uphill. Because it was about time. A click. That switch that needed to be turned on
I want to feel empowered, instead of having my ED play catch up over any sense of hope within hours
I want to see some light at the end of this tunnel, even if it’s faint or far
I want something, someone, anything, anyone to help me relieve this helplessness.
I want to surrender
I talked to a traditional healer in Malaysia recently (not about me), who said helplessness and despair will not lead to the right solutions, since they make you blind to both possibilities as well as dangers. I get that. Despair can make you dive head first into things the biggest traps of life. But I need something to grab tight, something to hold on to. I need some hope and I have no idea where to look for it, let alone where to find it.
I want to surrender. Please, I want to surrender