Danger in despair

I am ready to cancel New Years Eve with my friends. I can’t do it. I can’t face them, or anyone else. The past week feels like a year crammed into 8 days, and the past 2 days were the worst I’ve had in the entire ’12. There is nothing here to celebrate, not this year. I love my friends to pieces but I can’t ruin their new years just because I have crumbled to pieces. I know they’ll rather have me there, ofcourse. They are my friends. But I am not going to be their kryptonite for the night. I don’t want to put on the happy mask, it won’t even cover up the mess that is behind it anymore.

————————————————————————————————–

I want a God to believe in, or some higher power to lift me up from rock bottoms. There have been too many

I want a therapist to believe in. I want to believe in therapy. I don’t, due to experiences the past few years that have left me more hurt than healed by these specialized professionals

I want an epiphany. Finally.  The moment from where things go uphill. Because it was about time. A click. That switch that needed to be turned on

I want to feel empowered, instead of having my ED play catch up over any sense of hope within hours

I want to see some light at the end of this tunnel, even if it’s faint or far

I want something, someone, anything, anyone to help me relieve this helplessness.

I want to surrender

I talked to a traditional healer in Malaysia recently (not about me), who said helplessness and despair will not lead to the right solutions, since they make you blind to both possibilities as well as dangers. I get that. Despair can make you dive head first into things the biggest traps of life. But I need something to grab tight, something to hold on to. I need some hope and I have no idea where to look for it, let alone where to find it.

I want to surrender. Please, I want to surrender

 

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10 thoughts on “Danger in despair

  1. Sooz, I don’t even know what to say..I know this rock bottom where even the bottom has fallen out of your bottom too. I am so lucky in that these days I can use knowing that I’ve been this low before but IT WAS NOT FOREVER, IT DID END to keep myself from giving up. You have been in the depths of hell before and you came out of that – hang on to that when you can’t see hope. Not being able tto see it doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist.
    I really hope that you DO go and spend new years with your friends. I hear you that it is exhausting trying to put on a happy face when you are feeling awful, and I’m not going to say that oh, it will lift your spirits cause even when it does I know that its fleeting. But another thing I have learnt is that the more we allow ourselves to sit out social events the more we end up struggling to go next time. If you don’t go tonight its going to be that much harder to push yourself to get out there next time and that just leads to a whole huge hole of social phobia and cutting yourself off from the world.
    Remember what an important part getting out there among other ppl played in your getting so much better last time – don’t lose sight of the REALITY that you CAN and WILL come thru this too. I just wish it didn’t have to be so excruciatingly painful.
    (((((Hugs)))))) hang in there hon, sometimes all we can do is hang on for dear life – and that’s enough. Xxx

    • Apparenly, five out of seven are down with flu, so we’re having a sorry-party together tonight. We’ll see how it goes. Thanks for the wishes; wishing you an amazing new year as well. Hope it brings you lotsa good stuff xx

  2. Oh Sooz if I could jump on a plane and give you a big huge hug I would. So sorry you’re feeling like this and I can’t add to anything that Fiona hasn’t said because she’s right – you need NYE. It will be horribly difficult when you’re putting on this façade of ‘oh I’m fiiiiine’…but if you don’t see your friends there’s a chance you’ll sink lower.

    You know where I am chick, whack me an email because I want to know you’re ok! xx

    • I’ll email you when the waters become a little still again. (“the tide is high but Im holding on?”). Thanks for everything Meg, you rock my socks. Party till the new year shines its morninglight xx

  3. Still sending you my smiles and little silly pryers; cause I just don’t know the proper praying way – maybe kneeling or throwing ones hands to the air help more? I can try this as well. I just wish you well. Just some peace. Just some air to breath, Sooz. Thinking of you, and honoring your precious soul this evening. Cheers to your new year, girl! It will be better. It must!

  4. Wow.
    What is going on dear friend?

    What will happen when you surrender, Sooz?
    You know…there is beauty there.

    Or are you saying you want to give up?
    There is a stark difference. Giving up, giving in.. or surrender.
    I think you get what I mean.

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