“The world of chaos in my head”

I am not okay. I am not okay. I am not okay. I am not okay. I am not okay. I am not okay. I am not okay. I am not okay. I am not okay. I am not okay. I am not okay. I am not okay. I am not okay. I am not okay. I am not okay. I am not okay. I am not okay. I am not okay. I am not okay. I am not okay. I am not okay. I am not okay. I am not okay. I am not okay!

I AM NOT OKAY!

I am not good. I’m not better. I am not well. Hell, I’m not even ‘fine, thanks’!

And I don’t wanna go back to my lovies like this. They will not even recognize me; inside nor out.
Fuck, I don’t even recognize myself!

I asked you this the other week, though barely anyone responded; What would you do if it couldn’t fail? (please comment on that post if you feel like it)

I would become the girl I was again. The girl of this past summer.
So short ago, yet so far away. It’s not even something close to reacheable anymore.

I have slipped so, so far away

I am not okay

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22 thoughts on ““The world of chaos in my head”

  1. HI,
    I’m sorry you are feeling that way.
    I did just leave my comment on the topic of what I’d do if I couldn’t fail. Then I came to today’s post and seeing your message.
    I thought of another thing I’d do if I knew it couldn’t fail…I’ll go and add that. It’s closer to home to me as I am right now than what I first wrote. Hope it’s ok to add more.

    Sending you hugs….

  2. Love,
    Do you know that song by Travis “Why does it always rain on me?” It played in my head when I was reading your post this morning. It played long and not so long ago. And it says “Is it because I lied when I was seventeen?” Of course not! It’s not because we did/do/are something ill-chosen. We just deal with life the way we know and manage. And gosh, I could go on with this Edo philosophy for hours. Though you know it better than me, Sooz.

    And you are enough and complete and whole. And I love you this way, when you are not ok and want to go being the other you. But I love you anyway.
    Sending my best thoughts and smiles your way – thinking of your amazing vintage shoes – I envy; your travels and your kind heart.

    And Yes, I’ve read your post on not failing and it evoke so many things in me I did not know how to formulate the whole idea. I tried to respond, but finally just deleted things. This was too much for me at that moment – and I bet others felt the same.
    Be safe. Be kind and come visit, I mean that!
    xoxo

  3. What’s going on? Sooz? Really, are you ok? (In know you said you’re not, but please get in touch and explain all!)

    Thinking about you dear, and I honestly don’t know what I’d do if I knew I couldn’t fail, I can’t even dream about stuff like that now! Play the lottery? I’d win ;)

    Mail me xx

  4. I hear you, I’ve been there… am often there. I wish I could help. I’m so sorry you are feeling this way. You ARE the girl who went on holiday, you have to believe in yourself. Hang on tight xxx

  5. you are still this woman, you are still this person. she’s buried deep right now but she’s there. remember this: the people who love you will not hold your outward appearance against you (not that there is anything to hold against you. AT. ALL). they will probably, in all actuality, not at all even notice your body. they’ll see YOU. they’ll see SOOZ, the person they love. not SOOZ, a body. you may have slipped but here’s the good news: you can always come back. always. now…reach out, love. even if you’re hurting, bawling, screeching, whining, complaining, breaking…REACH. OUT. because we (*I*) love you, your family loves you, and your friends love you. use that love as a motivation. you are not okay. but that doesn’t mean you have to keep suffering. if anything, that means you deserve all the help in the world. it’s waiting for you. only you can accept it.

  6. What would I do if I couldn’t fail?
    I’m guessing you are trying to ask about dreams and that, so I would say, being successful at the internet. Sounds weird, but, I kinda like youtube of late, and people get paid for doing that…. But fear of failure stops me from doing all the ideas I have for a potential channel. So I guess that would be my answer, because then I would also be self sufficient and earning monies to take care of myself and my little one.
    Seriously though, I hope you are okay. Failure is horrible but, we learn from our mistakes.
    Its the picking yourself up bit thats more important than failure.

    • Mmmmmm, see it happening in the (near) future?
      Its definately something worth trying, as it’s not a huge financial investment to give it a first shot, right? New years coming around. always a good moment to dream and maybe dare and do?

      • I was waiting impatiently for years for things to just change.
        Ive been playing poker, and I dont have any luck, but, I can still get by with my crappy hands if I play them well. As is life, you have to make the best of the hand youve been dealt, even if it is really hard and shitty. Or, you’ll just be forever waiting.
        Lots of things still suck for me, but its easier to find reasons to smile because I try making it happen. Sometimes it backfires, but its worth it for the times it pays off.
        Hope this makes sense.

  7. =( I’m sorry to hear this.

    As for your question! I don’t know! Everything? I’ve held back from so many things because of fear of failure, relationships, careers… I think I’d be braver if I couldn’t fail.

    I’m sorry you’re feeling so rubbishy =(

    xxx

  8. I am doing some serious catch-up here and yes I read that post and you wanna know what the first thing I thought of was? Recover.

    That’s what I would do.

    See how stupid that sounds?
    On so many levels?
    Then I was like …I cannot write that. Makes no sense.
    My inner Zoe sprang to life (it often does) and thought of what you’d have to say to that.
    There is no failure in recovery. There is only recovery. There are ups and downs and (don’t make me say relapse) …..but there is no such thing as fail in recovery.

    There is only failure to attempt recovery.
    This is your recovery.
    For now.
    Maybe it’s a workout. Getting it’s muscles stronger.

    • On no level at all does answering recovery sound silly.

      And actually, its not just not attempting recovery that would mean failing. Even more so, not pushing through with it, or not pushing it hard enough is what makes it fail-able.

      And that work-out? I think it’s called ‘life’.

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