Most comforting feeling in the world? A genuine, long hug.
The type where you can really feel the other person is chanelling energy with you.

If no person at hand? Doggies will do just fine.

Which leads me to; most comforting smell in the world?
Fresh baby (ah the fuzzy few soft hairs!) and doggy ears. Your own doggy’s ears.
Warm fuzzy baby hair and warm fuzzy doggy ears sniffles bring me back to core-Sooz-ness

(I hate it when WordPress somehow doesnt save the post correctly and you just spilled your mind for nothing) but… I can’t believe this picture was more than a year a go already. How much we’ve both grown since then. Physically, mostly. She’s still the most brainless dog in the world and I’m… well… mentally nowhere near where I wanna be, or where I thought I’d be by now. But we’re still growing, together.

Sorry for my lack of posts. I’ve been busy, uninspired and mostly; uninspiring. I ain’t doin’ so pwetty right now, so lotsa puppy-lovin’ has been involved recently.

October, I just need you to be over.
Like, now.

Not that I want it to be November yet. Oh don’t even get me started on turning twenty-trippin’-four in three weeks. But I just need the new start. Again.

I seem to be unable to do what I think I need to do. Or want to do. Because maybe I don’t really want it? Or, I just don’t have the balls. I’m scared, so I ignore it.

I need/want? to start doing  some -oh so mundane- physical activity something (oh get your mind outta the gutter already). Something, anything, that makes me not drop dead when I run up the stairs to my bed or try to catch the train. And make me soar and crampy all over the next day after doing so. But I keep chickening out, because, well… I’ll look like a fool. I’ll look like a BMI666(evil), 78year old woman entering a gym/class/whatever with already fit(-ish) people. And I’ll just be the red, sweaty, scared, BMI666, 78 year old crazy lady. Because, truly, I’m in that bad of a shape. So I chicken out, which ends up leaving me bummed out about myself even more. But I just can’t get over it.

I’m scared
of the exposure?

So, tips/suggestions/ideas, anyone? Oh lovely late night (2 in the morning peeps!) blogger musings. Thanks, insomnia, for making me so productive…

Oh and please; what comforts you?


9 thoughts on “Comfort

  1. Oh wow, I finally have seen what you look like and you are so beautiful! Lovely to meet you :)
    I hear you.. fear is rampant in our lives. So much fear. I think that part of the reason we get EDs is because we have so much fear and we don’t know how to cope with it. Fear of the unknown is huge for me. And fear of doing things because that means.. they are happening I guess? And I’m not ready for that. I’m scared.
    When we don’t do anything I think the world we live in can grind to a halt and even though that means we aren’t getting anywhere, that can at least feel a bit more stable.
    This is a girl who jumped out of the sky!!! Sooz, that has to be the most scary thing I can think of (physically anyway, funny how the mind can be more complicated). You have the courage. So hang in there. You will get there :) Remember, fear always feels worse than facing what we feared turns out to be.
    I think you are fearing something most of us fear when we go to a gym/excercise class/pool/whatever. That everyone will be slim and toned and we will be so out of shape and the only one out of shape. NOT TRUE.
    I’ve discovered that people truly are in all shapes and sizes. Going to pools meant I got to see the bodies of people around me and everyone is so different. And everyone was OKAY. Lumps, bumps, tyres, skinniness, etc – everyone was okay. It helps me to see that because I realise my body is okay really and so is yours.
    Don’t worry about being out of shape – that’s why people go there in the first place. Because they need to get in shape, and everyone has to start somewhere. It doesn’t take long to feel the benefits of exercise – more energy, better mood, etc – so worth it :) maybe commit to ‘just one session’ and then if you enjoy that, commit to just one more….
    You can do it :) xx

    • Me and commitment….. Funny you brought up just now… The irony.. Haha

      You’re right though, I should get over it. Have been trying to for years but.. Can’t get to that point somehow. Pools/beaches are less of a bitch, cuz it just means lying down and going for a dip. It doesnt involve exercise, and thát is what I am afraid of. Its not my body itself so much, but the shape its in. Stamina, strength, flexibility etc are so so so so so incredibly not at the level people somehow expect it to be when they see a young, non-huge chick. I can only disappoint.

      And the picture is really old. I just browsed for one that still left me somewhat anonymous haha. Not that it matters, really. No one I know would ever find or even go looking for this blog, and if they would, they’d have recognized every single picture I posted thusfar, of me, the house and even my banner is a picture of my old place. Oohh exposure..

      • But hey.. you know what? I have that same ‘problem’. I go out there and dance, for eg, with people who have been pretty much healthy and not sick to the degree that you and I have been, not lost their strength, not had to rebuild muscle mass etc. And I greatly fear how much less I can do than what my mind says I should be able to do (a HUGE gap) and how much everyone else can do and thinks I should be able to do since they know I used to be a dancer and expect more from me than someone who never got to dance when younger and took it up as an adult now for fun. And you know what? It’s been okay.
        This is where the reality is – it’s not about pleasing others. It’s about pleasing yourself. I think try and focus on small things. Maybe going to organised exercise is too big a leap right now. Starting off going on a walk every day might be better. Or just making a goal to get in the water and do a few laps, instead of lying, then a few more laps the next time… I know, it’s hard. Do you have a friend you could make a buddy for this? The thing is, once you do get started, even the small amount you are doing will make you feel so much better you start wanting to do more. I had to force myself to even walk to the letterbox right back when I begun this. It hurt to sit. And then I started walking further and suddenly I felt better than I had in years, and craved that feeling.
        And it might be an ‘old’ picture, but it’s still you :) xx

  2. october has been weird and difficult, hasn’t it? month of transition, i suppose…

    anyway, sorry your head and heart and soul are feeling funky. that’s not fun.

    but why would you do a mundane activity? why not try something you are actually drawn to? what makes you feel the best? what sounds FUN (THAT is an important requirement)?

    whatever movement you put your body through, your heart and soul should be connected to, too, because they are all one. going through the motions of one activity purely for your body can leave you disconnected (it does for me, at least). i’m realizing that i need to move in ways that inspire me (dancing, hooping, hiking, walking, yoga-ing, climbing). for a long time i did not move…at all. i was scared, i was frustrated (i lost ALL.MY.ENDURANCE/STRENGTH). but put yourself in a beginners mind again. you get to start over, do well by yourself this time. this is a beautiful opportunity to heal your physical self with love and consideration. i always found that comforting when i start(ed) to seize up in fear.

    other comforts: deep, deep breathing. walking. warm tea. stretching. getting outside. bad movies. SLEEP. buying myself flowers. hooping. dancing. music. laying on the floor. seeing friends. good food.


    • But the thing is, I dont know ANY activity I would like with FUN. Except for late night dancing in a bar with my girls. And that rarely ever happens since we live scattered through the country, plus the alcohol that is usually involved in such nights probably makes it a not-so-great-thing for the body anyway.

      So I need to ‘make myself’ do it, because I know I should (seriously, my stamina is to cry for), but the not-liking + the being scared & looking like a fool = recipe for non-happening. Which sucks. Cuz I know it’d be better if I would.


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