Funny, no?

I rarely ever write this, but please, if you are sensitive to triggers, skip this one.

Do you know that moment where you binge for three days (and nights) straight? The moment where your new, biggest desire is no longer to lose a few pounds but to go to sleep and not wake up ever again? Or if you do, to never do it again and from tomorrow live perfectly happily and healthily and with that goal immediately setting yourself up for disappointment and therefore disaster again?

Do you know that moment where, for three days (and nights), you eat two bananas and drink liters of coffee to keep you warm and going?

Do you know that moment where the cold and misery of restriction so curiously changes into mad-happiness, alertness and over excitement?

Do you know that moment where you walk home, swearing to not do anything ‘stupid’ (read; eat) when you come home, and somehow find yourself at the check-out  holding a full bag of ‘groceries’ (binge favs) you really don’t want?

Do you know that moment where you get those ‘groceries’ from the counter, and almost fall over because your balance is completely off due to the fact you haven’t eaten in days?

And the moment where your face is covered in pimples again? Because even though some people may say and believe pimples are caused by eating chocolate, not eating chocolate (and anything else), ironically, does just that too?

Oh my, oh my. Has the past week been a rollercoaster ride..

I wish I could say those silly eating disordered behaviours and thoughts are in my past now, but apparently, they’re not. After three days (and nights) of bingeing, I was gonna ‘start fresh’ on Monday. I, having an eating disorder, of course, overdid it and went straight into restriction mode for three days straight.

Funny how that happens, no?

I was gonna start ‘over’ and ‘do well’. Yet I do the opposite.

When I somehow, just for one day, manage to pull off to under-eat, I can’t flip the switch and to actually start to do ‘good’. Good means good eating. And that would just ‘be a waste’, right? A waste of the restriction.

So, the next day, I will ‘start again’. ‘Do well’. But, again, I notice I can restrict some more. So hey, wouldn’t it be a shame to not do just that, then? I did binge for three days, so sure two days of not eating isn’t all that bad, right?

And then somehow, you manage to do not eat again for the third day following?

And the ‘I never wanna wake up again’ feeling from after the three-day-binge turns into a manic ‘oh I can take over the world solo’-high.

The anorectic high.

And maaaaan, I haven’t felt this awesome in so long!

And then, as I walk home and some guys comment on how awesome I look and I feel that, yeah, my tummy is tighter than it was three days ago, the world suddenly moves under my feet.

While my body wasn’t giving me my usual hunger-signs (growling stomach, bad temper, bad concentration, blue lips and nails, etc), I felt my balance go ‘off’. In the bookstore I almost hit the floor. My eyes went black, and so did my memory. I don’t remember walking home; I do remember sitting at my table with a bag of candy that I bought at the bookstore instead of the book I was looking for.

Again; funny how that happens, no?

Honestly? I thought I felt better the past two days as I had in a week. My stomach felt tighter. Plus, I felt like I could conquer the world again. Then I realized this was my anorectic high. The high where I think I look good because of the tummy-thing, but my eyes look hollow again (I got several comments, and this was only on my second day of restriction. My lord, how my eyes betray me). The high where, even though I feel like I’ve got it all together, I’m really not productive or making sense of anything. The high where, on my way to Uni, I really just wanna turn around and go home because of the uncomfy heebeejeebees creeping up. The anorectic heebeejeebees. The high where I lie awake for hours and hours because bedtime is super-early (when I’m in bed, I’m not in the kitchen), though I know I won’t be able to sleep anyway because, hey, I’m in my super-alert-anorexia-state.

Tomorrow is my day off. A day off, in my own house, with a filled kitchen, after three days of fasting.

Already looking forward to that………..

Funny how that happens. No?

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22 thoughts on “Funny, no?

  1. I do. I do. I do…
    I remember everything…
    When I want to go to sleep and not wake up, but I don’t want to die. I want to eat like a normal person eats, but I need to see my bones or I will hate myself even more…
    I have no offers or answers for you, just prays… virtual hugs and kisses. You are an amazing person Sooz and you deserve all the amazingness in the world!

    • I just read a quote that said; one day I wanna be able to say; yes I am skinny but no I don’t have an ED. And then I realized that, no, thats not what I want to say one day. I want to say I am happy, healthy and don’t have an ED. This fucking skinny thing is just NOT something I feel I want or need to have in my future

  2. As you know, I ‘go there’ myself.

    I am so sorry. On the plus side, you are aware. I think self awareness is an imortant part of recovery, denial is part of the disease… Always was for me.

    You’re going through a lot, with your friend. It’s understandible you’re using the old ‘coping mechanisms.’ You have an eating disorder, it’s what you know, and how you cope.

    I relate to the ‘high’, I restrict now, just to get it sometimes. I’m like a druggie. One more day… becomes a week, a month, many months. Stop it now! Also tell someone. If you’re accountable then that may help things.

    The high is false. It does not last forever as you know.

    You are an amazing person, and you’re done so well and come so far. Don’t let stupid set backs hold you back.

    Many hugs.

    xxx

    • I don’t go there because I wanna. It happened. It was a three-day thing, it’s over now. Not even as horribly as I thought it’d be.

      Thank you for your words dear. Come join me on the right path again, please?

  3. Hugs Sooz.
    The only thing I do when I sometimes feel it is an excellent, awesome idea to not eat, is to remind myself how horrible it got.
    No brain,
    Cold all the time,
    Heart being all weird,
    Not able to go outside very much because of all of the above,
    Constantly having numbers in my head,
    Getting obsessed about things,
    Going to bed and wondering if tonights the night I might die,
    Wanting to die a lot more than I do now.
    It’s not wanting to die though. No one really wants to actually die. People just don’t want the life that they’ve got and they think it’s the only way out. It’s not.
    Not being able to eat things that I find super yummy.

    OH by the way, eating well, isn’t eating healthy, it’s eating everything in moderation but especially carbs. They help your mood more than anything else. If your plan of eating includes, “Eating right” but denies you eat certain things then you’ll have a job sticking to it.
    Im sorry you’re going through all this.
    Hugs beautiful x

    • You’re right. It’s totally not worth it. Worst, for me, is that it numbs me. I got to the ‘deadly calm’ phase today. Where I sorta have a faint smile on my face but I don’t really feel particularly happy. Nor sad. Nor anything. Not really. Where everything feels like you’re in one of those movies where the lead player is on a journey and you just see landscapes go by without there really being a story? Yeah.

      And then I got home, walked the dog and got over it. And not even by bingeing, which I thought I’d do (the last sentence of the post, about being home alone with all the food, wasn’t about it being ironic but about me knowing that after three days of being busy and fasting (or with fasting) I knew that having a day of nothing to do and a lot of food around would lead to…. the wrong kinda feast). I broke my fast. Not quite gently, but not as horrendously as expected either. I’m out of the woods again (I typed ‘Im out of the woods gain’, which is sorta true as well). For now, that is.

      Im glad you can tell yourself all these things now. Funny how we’ve ‘grown’ in our EDs. Grown, maybe not quite out of it yet, but in it. How we’re slowly mastering it, as in, being its master.

      Big smooch my dearxx

      • That’s what I refer to when I say I am “recovered” because I feel like I am mastering it now. I think a part of it will always be at the back of my mind and i don’t think a complete 100% recovery is achievable, but you can do a lot better.
        Yeah, I feel fat, and I’m dreading the weight gain from these pills, but I feel different. That means more to me than the numb, or euphoria I ever got from restricting.
        Restriction numbs me out too. But you know, you can’t feel happy if you can’t feel sad.
        I’m well over bmi 20 and these tablets cause weight gain. That’s going to be not fun, but at the same time, if I can be more normal/hold down a job.study without using restriction because, “It helps me do those things” then I’m thinking it might be worth it.

        Hugs lovely. xxxxx

  4. *hugz* oh sooz, we’ve all been there, done that. that deceptive anorectic high. Where you feel like you’re got control over the world but in reality, you have no control. But…. the important thing is.. you RECOGNISE it. The real you knows its happening. It’s the first step to tackling it. Even though.. I know.. sometimes you just go with the cycle anyway- rather than stop it from happening, it’s like .. you’re not in your body anymore- you can’t stop the cycle. It’s a self fulfilling prophecy. You don’t want it to happen yet you want it to happen.

    I wish I could be there with you. But all I can offer is words and support and prayers from afar. Please.. talk to someone about this. A physical presence helps. Tomorrow’s a new day. You know what to do. Wake up, have breakfast. with someone else if possible. Could you go visit your doggies afterwards then? Plan something nice. And.. keep in touch, ok? Tad worried here.. ><

  5. Get back on track Sooz. You KNOW the anorexic high isn’t enough. Being skinny isn’t enough. It never is. You want to be happy and healthy, fasting isn’t the way to do that.

    I’m so so sorry you’re having a shitty time, send me a mail dear and rant your heart out xx

    (I can give you an ass kicking if you like) xx

  6. yup…

    i know all of that.

    my dear sweet sooz…

    i cannot tell you how much this hurts to read. there is pain all over these words.

    you’re breaking out because you’re stressed out. you’re overeating because you’re under eating. you’re high because you’re running on fumes. these are all things i know you know. i just want you to read them.

    sooz, you are a person. with a body. and a soul. both of which require food to survive and thrive. YOU DESERVE TO THRIVE. you deserve life in your life.

    doing ‘well’ requires you to make good decisions even when they’re hard (i.e: eating despite not wanting to). doing ‘well’ requires you to meet yourself where you are at, now, not where you think you’ll be or where you want to be. you’re hurting. you’re hungry. you’re tired. THESE ARE OKAY THINGS TO BE. address yourself honestly and completely with compassion, like you would anyone you love. treat yourself well and you will be well.

    you said it yourself: this storm too shall pass.

    everything passes. good and bad. don’t make it worse by inflicting yourself with unnecessary pain. THAT is something you don’t deserve.

    know i am sending you a lot of love today.

  7. Pingback: Losing « THE WORLD OF CHAOS IN MY HEAD

  8. You deserve so much better, Sooz, never forget that. never forget the WORLD that you have seen now – things like travelling to other countries and jumping out of planes! LIFE is so worth fighting for, and fighting to KEEP.
    There isn’t any failure – there is only living – and living involves times that we go okay, and times that we fall flat in our faces. I know you can get up again and dust yourself off. Remember what AN is, what you have exposed it for – it’s ugly deadly reality. Don’t fall for it’s lies again. We all know where it leads. We’ve been there done that. It’s not going to be different this time around either. It’s a trap – don’t fall in.
    Love and hugs and I BELIEVE IN YOU> xxxx

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