As I promised last week, here’s part II of a series of posts of ‘What Anorexia Made Me, yet What I Am Not’. This one will be a bit shorter (oh my, me doing a short post? Now that is messing with the Univserse?!) but I’ll probably make that up on the next posts again hihi.
What anorexia made me, part II: A shoplifter
I spoke about me having trouble allowing myself treats or special things on my last post. My anorexia fed (funny how that works ha?) on that as well. ‘Special treats’ became ‘mundane things’ very quickly. Where I would first not mind spending 50 bucks on a gift for friends yet I was not able to buy myself a nice tea-cup, it quickly got to the phase where I could happily spend 10 bucks on earrings for my roommate and not 0.63 cents (yes I remember the price to the cent) on a loaf of bread for myself. As you can imagine; this became a problem. At first I managed to find my ways around it. I would ask my roommate to do the groceries, or to leave me a list so I could ‘buy them for her’. But anorexia is a hard one to fool; and soon enough I was no longer able to cheat it.
One of my ultimate lows (warning; I have many ultimate lows) was when I went out to dinner with my bestie. She had come to Amsterdam and we decided we would go to my favourite Thai place. I had been extremely anxious for the entire week already because it had been a while since I’d seen her. And, her being a med-student with an ED past, she is not one to be easily fooled.
But she meant the world to me and I wanted to show her that. I wanted to tell her that I was still in here and that she should not give up on me as her father had asked her to do (I’ll explain a little later). I found a wooden ring in a store that reminded me of the rings we bought for each other when we were traveling through Thailand. Both of those rings had broken long ago and this seemed like the perfect replacement.
That is where the problem set in; anorexia nipped in and took over the decision. I was not allowed a new ring. So just buy her one, then? Why would I give her a replacement of ‘our’ rings without getting one myself? That did not make sense. I tried for weeks to find out her ring-size to get her a fitting one. When I finally set out to buy it for her, I did something I never did before and never thought I’d ever do; I stole the other one. I bought a ring for her, and stole one for me. Because I was not worth spending money on. I did not go back to that store for a year, because I was so scared. This story is even more sad when I tell you what the rings cost; 1 Euro each. A EURO. I stole a one Euro ring because even that one single Euro was more than I could fathom spending on myself.
Even to this day I feel guilty of this. More so than of any other stealing incident (more on that in a later post), because this involved something I did not ‘need’ to steal; I would have survived just fine without it. That doesn’t count for the other things I stole. This one incident led me to develop the habit of taking things that weren’t mine, but more on that next time.