I realize I have been absolutely BOMBARDING my blog as of late, and I wish it was because I had so much good stuffs to share. It’s not though, quite the opposite in fact. I thank your input on yesterdays post, and I will be blasting away my neighbours tonight. Linkin Park, get yourself ready!
I just need to make a list for myself of what to do next. Because it took me just about a week to make me feel okay in my own skin again, yet it only took 2 (and now three. Hopefully not counting) to turn 180 degrees around (or 540, cuz I seriously feel like I’m spinning). How come it took me only 2+ days to get SO DEEP back into my old bingeing cycle, though it really had been quite a while since it had been this bad?!
Anyway, the list:
- Get the fuck out of my parents place. I’m here to print a load of stuff, make full use of their internet connection and goof around with my puppy, but this place will be the death of me. There is so much food here I cannot have around, especially not when I’m in this state of mind.
- Get my stuffs sorted at home. I need to ditch the binge food. If it’s not there, I cant eat it. Yeah I know, epiphany right? It just goes against my
not at allstubborn nature. Even when I was at my worst with ED (both binge and restriction periods) I would not allow myself or my family to ‘clean’ or clear the cupboards. I want to be ‘normal’, and ‘normal’ people should be able to keep whatever in their cupboards and not touch it. Guess what. Having an eating disorder doesn’t count for being normal. I know right? Is this epiphany-tuesday or what!
- Apparently, play extremely loud music. Neighbours, get your earplugs ready for tonight and tomorrow.
- Get this deadline finished. Which, d’oh, will not happen if I’m stuck with my head in the fridge 24/7, three days straight.
- KICK MY BUTT AGAIN. Apparently, I CAN do this. Last week proved so. Now I need to find the mojo or whatever to get back to that state of mind
- Get active. Not spend the entire day inside my house, locked up, feeling sorry. That is not helpful. Get out, see friends, take the dog for a poop, have a play date with my little nephew who I havent seen in ages, etc.
- Try to prevent a new
disasterslip up. Somehow getting into the positive cycle is so damn hard, and slipping back isn’t. But STAYING in the positive cycle is less hard than trying to make it back in there. So; get my ass there and stay there.
- Stop doing the scale thing. For me, it was never about numbers. They don’t trigger me either. Nothing triggers me except my own emotions, actually. So why do I keep stepping on the scale and let it get to me? This morning I did it again
(gotta love my parents’ bathroom)and the numbers that appeared are… Yup, you felt it coming right? my highest ever. HOLY.FUCK. I need to let go of this. Because I felt better the other day than I did in weeks, even while knowing I had gained. So, the numbers do not define me. I know this. So I need to let it go
- Try and get some sleep again. Bingeing is so damn draining. Both the bingeing itself (hello super heart rate, blood flow, crazy head and panic attacks!) and the complete chaos (both material and emotional) that comes with it. When my head is all over the place, I need my sleep. So, insomnia, go plague the ex, please.
(Oh no I didn’t!) Make more lists. I like lists. Even though I never manage to accomplish even one of the markers. Lists are fun. Google hot men when all else fails. Meg knows what I’m talking about here.(oh yes, I so ratted you out!!)
That leaves me with two burrrrrning questions;
1. Any other tips for getting back on track?
2. Share me your hottest men! (you knew this was coming!) (You get the burning question part? Hot? Burn? Oh I know I need to google me some humour too..)