What it takes..

I realize I have been absolutely BOMBARDING my blog as of late, and I wish it was because I had so much good stuffs to share. It’s not though, quite the opposite in fact. I thank your input on yesterdays post, and I will be blasting away my neighbours tonight. Linkin Park, get yourself ready!

I just need to make a list for myself of what to do next. Because it took me just about a week to make me feel okay in my own skin again, yet it only took 2 (and now three. Hopefully not counting) to turn 180 degrees around (or 540, cuz I seriously feel like I’m spinning). How come it took me only 2+ days to get SO DEEP back into my old bingeing cycle, though it really had been quite a while since it had been this bad?!

Anyway, the list:

  • Get the fuck out of my parents place. I’m here to print a load of stuff, make full use of their internet connection and goof around with my puppy, but this place will be the death of me. There is so much food here I cannot have around, especially not when I’m in this state of mind.
  • Get my stuffs sorted at home. I need to ditch the binge food. If it’s not there, I cant eat it. Yeah I know, epiphany right? It just goes against my not at all stubborn nature. Even when I was at my worst with ED (both binge and restriction periods) I would not allow myself or my family to ‘clean’ or clear the cupboards. I want to be ‘normal’, and ‘normal’ people should be able to keep whatever in their cupboards and not touch it. Guess what. Having an eating disorder doesn’t count for being normal. I know right? Is this epiphany-tuesday or what!
  • Apparently, play extremely loud music. Neighbours, get your earplugs ready for tonight and tomorrow.
  • Get this deadline finished. Which, d’oh, will not happen if I’m stuck with my head in the fridge 24/7, three days straight.
  • KICK MY BUTT AGAIN. Apparently, I CAN do this. Last week proved so. Now I need to find the mojo or whatever to get back to that state of mind
  • Get active. Not spend the entire day inside my house, locked up, feeling sorry. That is not helpful. Get out, see friends, take the dog for a poop, have a play date with my little nephew who I havent seen in ages, etc.
  • Try to prevent a new disaster slip up. Somehow getting into the positive cycle is so damn hard, and slipping back isn’t. But STAYING in the positive cycle is less hard than trying to make it back in there. So; get my ass there and stay there.
  • Stop doing the scale thing. For me, it was never about numbers. They don’t trigger me either. Nothing triggers me except my own emotions, actually. So why do I keep stepping on the scale and let it get to me? This morning I did it again (gotta love my parents’ bathroom) and the numbers that appeared are… Yup, you felt it coming right? my highest ever. HOLY.FUCK. I need to let go of this. Because I felt better the other day than I did in weeks, even while knowing I had gained. So, the numbers do not define me. I know this. So I need to let it go
  • Try and get some sleep again. Bingeing is so damn draining. Both the bingeing itself (hello super heart rate, blood flow, crazy head and panic attacks!) and the complete chaos (both material and emotional) that comes with it. When my head is all over the place, I need my sleep. So, insomnia, go plague the ex, please. (Oh no I didn’t!)
  • Make more lists. I like lists. Even though I never manage to accomplish even one of the markers. Lists are fun.
  • Google hot men when all else fails. Meg knows what I’m talking about here.  (oh yes, I so ratted you out!!)

That leaves me with two burrrrrning questions;
1. Any other tips for getting back on track?
2. Share me your hottest men! (you knew this was coming!) (You get the burning question part? Hot? Burn? Oh I know I need to google me some humour too..)


7 thoughts on “What it takes..

  1. HAHAHA! Biatch.

    Loud music and hot men should work, and if it doesn’t, well, I’m out of ideas.

    Lists are good, I like lists. You’re right that binging is draining, I hate the crazy heart rate thing too, but as I said yesterday we will (hopefully) get some sort of normality sooner rather than later.

    Numbers never used to bother me either, I never owned a scale and still don’t so it’s only Doctor appointments where I find out my weight – you know what you need to do though and you’ve already said it. Keep away from the scale!!!

    You’re at your highest ever weight, yes, but you’re still under 25 it is to be expected. Sucks I know, but it’s the truth. If I think of any more I’ll let you know, but until then…get googling! xx

  2. Hey, WordPress still isn’t sending me your updates – wordpress fail! But here I am at last :)
    Please hon, don’t beat yourself up. You are doing the best you can do, can’t do more than your best. My thoughts are, did talking with your ex again bother you more than you realised, or has something in particular been on your mind or bothering you more than usual? When I have a setback, I usually find there’s a reason, usually something feeling very overwhelming, unpredictable, frightening, or too hard for me to really cope with in my life. Despite all the hard work you have done, it’s still early times, and ed is still the default mechanism for when things are too hard to cope with. You can do this, you can. Hang in there, girlie, don’t give up. *hugs* xxx

    • No I think it’s just the stress. Uni and stuff. My ex would never send me over the edge, he’s too… No we’re not like that. It’s stress and me not coping

  3. omg this —-> “I want to be ‘normal’, and ‘normal’ people should be able to keep whatever in their cupboards and not touch it. Guess what. Having an eating disorder doesn’t count for being normal. I know right? Is this epiphany-tuesday or what!”

    Me. TOO!
    And like, because of our histories of like…eating NOTHING it feels so so so wrong to tell ourselves…no. You probably should not have three bags of chips in the house. I haven’t been full out bingeing and purging but I have been addictively compulsively eating them…not good for the soul.

    Anyways this is older post so…I’m keeping my comments reserved but I HAD to pop in here. I get it.

    • Never keep your comments reserved! I like the input whenever, even if its old posts!

      And I know right… That ‘normalness’ is not quite there yet… But honestly I dont think I could have been in this head-place I am now if I would have not allowed myself to have anything in the house from the start. At least now I’ve tried/bingedmybrainsout on everything you can possibly imagine, so they no longer feel as scary anymore. They are no longer ‘some day..’ foods, if that makes any sense

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