When the good turns bad and ugly

*Knock, knock*

Yo, anyone there?

Okay, so.. I’m not very good at this. But I just mentioned that right now, I ain’t doin’ so swell. Err, currently, I’m doing swollen. Yeah, that’s what binges do to my body (amongst many other equally amazing things).

I had a little four day break of Istanbul, which honestly, was well deserved and -needed. A breather. Pfoe. And even though my eating was… well… not that much *cough*, I still managed to gain 2kg. Awesome. Yeah, I did the scale thing again. Silly. But guess what. I didn’t really mind. WHAAAT!! Yeah, I know right? I did not mind I gained 2kg. Because I felt good. Even body-image wise, I felt (dare I say it!?) good. I didn’t feel the extra weight, I felt okay with myself. I, finally, did NOT feel like a walking, wobbling version of myself.

And then the weekend happened. I met up with an old friend, who was one of very few who stuck around without making me feel like the ‘anorectic friend’. He has NO CLUE how much that meant to me. How much it meant to me he just stuck around being him and treating me like I was me. And we had a drink and talked and I realized nothing had changed. It just felt right. I love that guy. Not like that, no, but he’s just such an awesome kid. Awesome.

And then, when I let him out, a friend of a friend (or, my ex’s best mate..) happened to walk by. He didn’t know I lived there. I, overly courageous (or, without realizing what I was doing I guess), called his name. He came up and I showed off my place (get your mind out of the gutter), we had a drink and a cig and he went off again. Of course the entire night my mind was all over the place; OMG will he tell the ex? What will he say? Will he say how fat I got? That he barely recognized me? That I’m living there? What will my ex say? Will he ignore it or contact me?

Of course he contacted me. We texted back and forth the entire day after. Nothing much, him just being nosy and I dont mind. Apparently his friend only said nice things. That night another old friend of mine called that he was in town. I made myself go out and meet him for a drink (enter anxiety) but we somehow chatted the night away for hoooours straight, and I stumbled back went home in the middle of the night.

Point being? I had a pretty good week.

And then sunday happened. I overate. Then got emotional. And then I overate more. It turned into a disaster, straight up. So I called it a day and went to bed. To wake up with the worst hayfever and unable to make it to Uni. Enter disaster again; me and change of plans do not work well together. It turned ito another fullblown binge. TWO DAYS STRAIGHT. After such a good week!! So now I sit here, bloated, lethargic, in pain (back, belly, joints, head), frustrated and crying. WHAT THE HELL SOOZ! Why do you ALWAYS fuck up!

Again, you think, point bingeing being?

I know I do my motivational mondays, I do my wednesdays words of wisdom and I wordvomit all over your blogs too. But this time, I want YOUR yay-ness. How do you turn things around again for the positive? WHY do you want recovery? What makes life on the other side worth it? How do you pick yourself up after a disaster slip?

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19 thoughts on “When the good turns bad and ugly

  1. How do you turn things around for the positive?
    Constantly telling myself that this crap HAS TO BE worth it. Ignoring the crap out of my ED voices. Trying not to use food to stuff the black hole of doom inside myself that I cannot fill with anything else. Trying not to focus on all the bad things, writing lists about the good that has happened, and trying to focus on them instead. Starting each day as a fresh new day in recovery, that has nothing to do with the day before, i.e at the beginning, if I binged, I’d blatantly wait too long to eat breakfast, wait too long to eat lunch, but now I don’t, I carry on as if nothing has happened, and that has worked. I Blog that I feel bad, it always helps. I also blog sometimes when I feel that hole needs filling, and usually it does pass, EVENTUALLY. Life on the other side has to be worth it right? You can do more things now? You can live now? You can eat now?

    Why do I want recovery?
    I want to be a human.
    I want to feel things and not freak out.
    I want to be able to eat normal, and not abuse food.
    I want to live. I don’t want to die anymore.

    Recovery from slip ups require immediate attention, it is too easy to slip back and get into the habit of not eating/overeating/cycles of the two. It is without doubt the most difficult thing you will have to do and I don’t mean it to sound easy, because it totally isn’t.

    Oh one thing I found helps? VERY VERY loud music whilst doing something with my hands. Clay or whatever. Trying to overload the brain. The physical hole, which I feel in my chest, is not real, it’s psychological, so I figure, if I can overload the brain, it will be too busy to make me feel empty. It sometimes works, sometimes doesn’t, but nothing else comes close to working.
    I don’t know how to live with the hole, or to fill it. But I do know what it feels like, so can only offer you sympathy and a hug.

    You have come so far Sooz, please don’t beat yourself up. This is harmful in itself. Because if you start hating on yourself for mistakes, you might start thinking you’re not worth recovery. YOU Sooz, are totally worth recovery. HUGS xx

    • Thank you so much. In just three days (yup, another one added..) I slipped back into my binge-cycle again and I can’t seem to get out of its grips. I now can’t go out tonight as I planned (too shitty, too bloated, all over the place) so tonight, after play-date with my little nephew, REAL LOUD music it will be. Sorry in advance dear neighbours!

      Again, thanks so much. I hope you can re-read your own comment when you have a crappy day again

  2. Ugh, I just know so well how that feels. Especially after a good week, going back to the old behavior is INFURIATING. I don’t have any tips on how to pick yourself up except to just try and go one day at a time. It doesn’t help much, but TRUST ME, you are not alone in this feeling. I know. It is the worst.

    • Infuriating is the exact right word. I can just SCREEEEEAAAAM at myself right now, I’m SO MAD.

      One day at a time. I know this, I know this. Just, when I slip, even a day seems to long to just make it through.

      Thanks SO much for your comment. Greatly appreciated, seriously

  3. It’s totally up and down. I know how you feel, sometimes having a level of acceptance and getting on with a normal person life – and then WHOOSSHHH you’re back in a rubbish place.

    But look, you had a great week! Being all sociable and all, getting out and about and enjoying yourself – overeating does not ruin it all. I know you feel crappy, but I swear it won’t be forever. That’s what I tell myself anyway. I keep thinking things will sort themselves out eventually, and that it has to end up being better than ‘before’. Whack on some REALLY loud music and/or do some googling as you were last night Sooz! hahaha xx

  4. Pingback: What it takes.. « THE WORLD OF CHAOS IN MY HEAD

  5. Aw bebz. I hope you’re feeling better today. It’s horrible you’ve been having binges, but just make sure to keep up with your eating. I know it’s not the only thing, but not eating enough in Istanbul can’t have helped. Plus it’s totally normal and expected to gain weight from holidays, even if you don’t et enough to. Temperature changes and aeroplane travel cause water retention too. When I went to Seville last year, I rolled up my trousers on the plane and literally couldn’t take them off because I’d swollen up so much in the space of two hours. My mum had to help. It was kinda hilarious. But my point is don’t read too much into it. Maybe you gained, maybe you didn’t. You’ll only know after a little bit of binge free days. And it wouldn’t be a bad thing anyway – no period means any extra weight is probably needed.

    Anyway, you’ve had some fabz time away, and all in all, are doing pretty well. You can and will and maybe already have picked yourself up and turned this around. Sometimes it’s really hard to, but you do. I have no great words of wisdom other than you just suck it up because you try to remember there was a reason you want to recover in the first place. If eating disorders were fun and games, no one would bother getting better. They’re not. They suck. Sometimes we forget because right now sucks too, but you’ve already given ED a chance, give recovery a good long chance too.

    So you sit through all the uncomfort. It probably won’t be for as long as it has been before. And soon enough, you’ll be doing a bit better again. At some point, it’ll get rubbish again, and you do it all again, but it does get easier.

    You know, I actually benefited from writing this comment.

    Love and feel better :) x.

    • You know, I’m such an over-analyzer. Unhealthily so. Seriously. But my ED blocks that. It takes the logic and mostly the acting rationally out of me. And you are like that voice I would like to hear in my head instead. The rational voice that does seem to be able to analyze my ED to death.

      Thank you for that. (And glad my crappy days are of help to you too! Bonus!)

  6. *hugs* you have done so well, Sooz. I hope you can stop beating yourself up about falling over – we all do it.
    This is what I think you should try to do – say “I accept that I binged”. And then go on. Stop the cycle that goes round “I binged, I’m going to gain weight, I was doing so well, why did I do this, why couldn’t I stop, why why why etc etc etc”
    It’s not the end of the world, honey. You will get there. You have made really good progress – one step at a time, sometimes a backwards step but it all makes you stronger. I’m proud of you *hugs* xxxx

    • Reminds me of those lyrics, think it was James Blunt?, ‘And I know that it’s a wonderful world but I can’t feel it right now, and I thought that I was doing well but I just wanna cry now’

      • I don’t know that song, but I’m googling it, because those lyrics sound so profound. I’m with you on the sense of needing to keep control – that’s why I don’t understand using drugs and drinking either, even though I am sure that if I didn’t ‘use’ food I’d use one of them, it terrifies me not to be in control of my body. But then again, we don’t have control. Not with the ED, especially when we feel most in control, we have it the least. Our bodies are trying to take it back from us and we need to let it.. you taught me that :) we need to follow our body’s lead.
        I didn’t know you had seizures, that is so scary, I’m so sorry hon. *hugs* xx

      • You’re absolutely right about not being in control of ED either, but still it feels differently. At least it still FEELS like I know/realize what I’m doing…

        And the song itself is just another silly lovesong. But a few lines keep popping up in my head this past week…

        And the seizures are okay. Haven’t had them in a few years now, and they basically only get triggered (ha, ironically, unlike my ED, my seizures DO get triggered) by hospitals(-smell) and needles(going into me). Ekkk. So try to avoid those, like most people ;)

  7. hehs. just had to pop by when u mentioned talking about hot guys with the other blogger girls :P

    wish I could give you a magic pill that would make you feel better. But. there isn’t one. All I can tell you is… gurl.. you need to redefine NORMAL. It’s such a spectrum, and you know it. It’s NORMAL to gain weight when you go on holidays. I gain an average of 3 kgs when I go on holidays too. And scrunchy is right, a lot of it would be water from all that air travel. It’s NORMAL to get emotional sometimes. and.. also normal to eat in reaction to that.. it’s not really bingeing per se, it’s just your ED telling you it is. all that stress hormones is going to make you want to eat. and eat. and eat.NORMAL people do that too. What normal people DON”T do, though, is beat themselves up over it. That.. is very much an ED thing, I’ve realised. You need to ALLOW yourself normality, and that means allowing for higher than normal intake sometimes..yes, even eating 2 tubs family sized tubs of ice cream, 4 L container of tiramisu, couple bag of chips with hecka lota dip, family sized blocks of melted chocolate and goodness knows what else…and thats just the first couple hours… >< I don't know how to say things well sometimes, but.. ED is a lot about control as well.. you feel crap because you feel out of control, hence the guilt. then the eating. and more guilt. … I find that giving myself permission.. allowing that "binge" making it normal… well… it relieves a lot of the anxiety… and.. heck.. even start getting bored with all the food available…

    Ditch the scales. You say you aren't affected by the numbers, but.. subconsciously you will be. Otherwise, lets face it, you wouldn't have gotten on in the first place. That, and logically, you know that to be healthy – your weight is NEVER going to go down to your pre-ED weight, because you were still growing pre-ED. SO the number is never going to satisfy your ED if you want to be healthy. It's hard sooz, but… learn to trust your body…I find that forcing myself out of the house, ( sunshine or rain) makes a big difference in my mood too, even if I dont' feel like it a lot of the time initially. and u have your puppy u can walk!! :D Other than that… mmhs.. just being with normal people helps, yea? I'm finding inspiration in being with bigger people that are just so COMFORTABLE with themselves..and make people around them happy.

    p.s- Loud music alone isn't good enough. lol.. LOud KARAOKE is even better!!!! :P so sue me. i'm asian. SCREAM off-tune like you really mean it and let GO!!!!! woooohooo!! ( ok.. i don't know how well you sing, but still.. i don't think I'd want to be your neighbour today. :P)

  8. oh. and something that helps me sometimes to break out of that binge? is to literally go out to a cafe/restaurant and sit myself down and have a proper meal. meat. veges. fries. burger. whatever. surrounded by other people who are eating as well. real meals seem to help. 3 course meals, even better! entree, main, dessert. problem is though.. I tend to binge in the middle of the night when that really isn’t an option…..but it works a treat during the day time.

    btw.. this is interesting… i think a lot of ED ppl have the negative effects of being oversensitive.. so.. the key would be to USE that oversensitivity.. and channel the positive effects instead :D

    http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2010/03/28/5-gifts-of-being-highly-sensitive/

    • But I have completely sidetracked right now. I don’t know if it’s because I can’t get back on track, won’t get back on track or won’t let myself get back on track but this is not okay. I completely lost it last night. Completely lost control and lost myself. I cannot cope with that. It’s not about ‘control’ in the ED-way, but about control in the me-way. It’s like with my seizures, I cannot cope with not having control over my own body/actions. It’s the exact reason I will never try drugs, even though ALL my friends do it ALL the time. I cannot lose that control over myself. And my binges, and last night in particular, are exactly that. And that is not okay, nor normal, in whatever way you look at it…

  9. *hugz* aw sweetie. i know exactly how you feel. i hate losing control over myself too. thats why i’m very aware of my limits of alcohol cos i would hate losing control over myself. and won’t take drugs. or medications of any kind, just in case. at the same time.. if u look at it in a different way..we’re being controlled by the need for control. which means we have no control at all, ultimately. Just have to force myself to learn to accept that i can’t have control over everything, much less myself. sometimes its good to surrender to others. or fate. destiny. whatever. but that takes a heck lota trust. which.. is something we’d all struggle with, i think…

    gaaaaahs. just makes u wanna scream, isn’t it? hehs.

  10. I can’t let go of the fact that I need to be in control of my body. I know I can’t control life, actions, situations, feelings, etc. But I can’t stand it if I can’t control my BODY. Like with seizures, with overdoses, and with binges. I just… Black out in the sense that Ill ‘wake up’ and not know if it’s been 10 secs or 10 minutes. And having no idea what happened in between. That is such a scary feeling

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