Upcoming.. (a rant)

Tomorrow morning I’m leaving for four days of Istanbul with the fam, and then half a week later a week of Berlin with Uni. Love it, ofcourse, I’m the travelchick, BUT…

  •  It means sharing rooms with first; my brother and then; unknown people. Fine. No care do. BUTT; I cry myself to sleep ef.free single night, without exception. That plus my insomnia means a lot of crying, because it takes forever before I fall asleep. HOW THE FUCK am I gonna do that when I have other people lying next to me?!
  • Summer’s here. Love it. I dont travel to exotic places for no reason; I need my sun. BUTT; it also means less covering up. The maxi dresses I wore last summer to cover up my emaciated body, I now wear to cover up my …errr… insert F word here…. body. Thats is a HUGE (pun intended) change over a year. And that’s very IN MY FACE.
  • Love maxi dresses and their hippy feel. BUTT, a maxidress, especially  with an empire waistline (oh the fashionista I am..) on people with a BIG F(youknowtheword) belly looks like…..?? Yes, a maternity dress. This afternoon I got several; ahwww look that so cute you have a baby-bump!!-stares. That combined with the knowledge that last summer the stares wer; OMG GROSS you’re definately so anorexic (yes, with an x), is, again, very IN MY FACE kinda pain
  • I think I migh be ‘too big for me‘. I have chronic pains (grew too fast as a kid becoming the giant I am, and my bones etc suffered from this so I have chronic pains in knees, hips and back) are back again. When I was less heavy (errrr, emaciated) my pain was different. I was in pain, yes, BUTT it was emaciation-agony. Not my-body-is-too-heavy-for-my-frame-pain (rhyme!). Which is, again, very bloody confrontational.
  • The next month is deadline after deadline after deadline, which is stress, which is, together with anger and hurt, my only trigger. Outside world stuff doesnt trigger me. Bombard me with pro-ana, bombard me with self harm, it does not tickletrigger my pickle. Stress? Yes, very much so. Meaning? Bingeing a month straight up. Cuz trigger = restriction is soooo 2011! Bingeing is the new black!

Okay. Need to go pack my bags and bawl my eyes out for four days worth, I guess. Aces!!


11 thoughts on “Upcoming.. (a rant)

  1. I wish I had something really meaningful to say, other than “I’m sorry”. Because I am. Sorry that you have to go through this xxx

  2. I honestly don’t think you’ve been getting baby bump stares. What does that even look like?

    I really hope travelling doesn’t end up causing too much distress. I totally get how awful it is to sleep near other people when sleep is an issue already. It’s hard. And unfair. But Istanbul will be so nice.

    Feel better :(. And I hope that uni stuff goes ok. I’m with you on the deadline = trigger. I hope it all goes ok.

    Love x.

    • I survived. We survived. Sorta. Not really. But we’re all still alive

      And YES though, babybumpstares. You don’t know ’em? The ‘ohhhhhh so cute and congrats and ahwwww’-stares? haha TRUE, seriously, not just in my head!!

      Thanks though :)

  3. Hope you can make the most out of your holiday chick, and I’m sorry I have no advice about the sleeping arrangements other than tell your bro he must wear headphones/earphones to bed because you snore? Or something.

    Easier said than done, but enjoy yourself and the time with your fam. Let me know how you get on xx

    • We survived. Sorta. Not really ;)
      And now the weather in Holland sucks again. So yeah. Now I wanna go back ;)
      Talk about consistency in feelings!!

  4. I don’t think you look like you have a baby bump, Sooz, I saw a pic where you showed you had outgrown some jeans somewhere in this blog and that was a slim girl who was trying to fit in jeans that would have been way too small for someone as tall as you. It IS very confronting when we gain weight. We aren’t just seeing it differently we are feeling it and YES I agree, it feels heavy and it hurts. It hurts a lot. Mine doesn’t hurt me anywhere near as it did when I’d first put it on, because it’s not hurting from being too much for your body, it’s hurting because your bones and your muscles have forgotten what it’s like to carry your body’s ‘normal’ weight around. It takes a while for muscles to grow back, get stronger, bones to get stronger again, etc. It also takes a while for it to redistribute from the first rush of weight gain where it all goes on in a hurry in the closest easiest places your body can chuck it. And I think you are awesome for staying with all this despite struggling so much to tolerate it.
    I didn’t know you cried every night to sleep and that makes me so sad for you. Does it help you or is it because you cannot contain your feelings any longer from the day, or is it night time? Sorry if it’s not okay to ask.
    huge hugs and hope you have a lovely time despite all the fears. And that you come through the stressful times okay. xoxoxox

    • We sorta survived..

      And yeah, nighttime is crytime. Its the moment I let myself. In the dark no one can tell? Then it didn’t really happen? I guess it too is the moment I let myself ‘feel’ my feelings, so the tears comes out

    • Oh goya, an award? I’ve seen them fly around blogs but have no idea what it is and how it works. Will look into that! Just know it is greatly appreciated. Not as much as the award itself as the appreciation for my spam errrr… comments. Thank you for that :)

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