Tomorrow morning I’m leaving for four days of Istanbul with the fam, and then half a week later a week of Berlin with Uni. Love it, ofcourse, I’m the travelchick, BUT…
- It means sharing rooms with first; my brother and then; unknown people. Fine. No care do. BUTT; I cry myself to sleep ef.free single night, without exception. That plus my insomnia means a lot of crying, because it takes forever before I fall asleep. HOW THE FUCK am I gonna do that when I have other people lying next to me?!
- Summer’s here. Love it. I dont travel to exotic places for no reason; I need my sun. BUTT; it also means less covering up. The maxi dresses I wore last summer to cover up my emaciated body, I now wear to cover up my …errr… insert F word here…. body. Thats is a HUGE (pun intended) change over a year. And that’s very IN MY FACE.
- Love maxi dresses and their hippy feel. BUTT, a maxidress, especially with an empire waistline (oh the fashionista I am..) on people with a BIG F(youknowtheword) belly looks like…..?? Yes, a maternity dress. This afternoon I got several; ahwww look that so cute you have a baby-bump!!-stares. That combined with the knowledge that last summer the stares wer; OMG GROSS you’re definately so anorexic (yes, with an x), is, again, very IN MY FACE kinda pain
- I think I migh be ‘too big for me‘. I have chronic pains (grew too fast as a kid becoming the giant I am, and my bones etc suffered from this so I have chronic pains in knees, hips and back) are back again. When I was less heavy (errrr, emaciated) my pain was different. I was in pain, yes, BUTT it was emaciation-agony. Not my-body-is-too-heavy-for-my-frame-pain (rhyme!). Which is, again, very bloody confrontational.
- The next month is deadline after deadline after deadline, which is stress, which is, together with anger and hurt, my only trigger. Outside world stuff doesnt trigger me. Bombard me with pro-ana, bombard me with self harm, it does not
tickletrigger my pickle. Stress? Yes, very much so. Meaning? Bingeing a month straight up. Cuz trigger = restriction is soooo 2011! Bingeing is the new black!
Okay. Need to go pack my bags and bawl my eyes out for four days worth, I guess. Aces!!