Bad ED-day (as if good EDdays exist!)

TRIGGERWARNING. This is what a nasty day in my head looks like. I do not cope well with stress. I out it in my easy distraction mode: Food. Or; no food, to be precise. Still, yes. But this is just an awful day. These are getting fewer and fewer. They are the minority of days now. And not just that; the happy days are growing steady in amounts. So please, read with that in the back of your head, or not read it at all. That’s really okay too. TRIGGERWARNING END at bottom: You can safely read on from there!! (I think..)

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Well you read the article in Elle the other day right? About diet FACTS and ‘the ultimate tips and tricks’ to lose weight? And there was something very similar in Vogue last month, right? And I’m pretty sure there was something on it in that article online, too? And your cousin, who is now smaller than you even though she has given birth to two babies does one of those similar protein diets as well . Plus, you’ve been at your healthy weight for quite a while now, so who are you trying to fool now anyway? You can definitely lose a few pounds, that has never hurt a soul. So, off the carbs you go again. Yeah, yeah all those recovery blogs keep going on about needing all the food groups etc. but come on, if everyone else says differently, open your eyes, fool.

So, no breakfast today. And visitors all afternoon, so no lunch either. Squeezed in an apple (it’s just fruit, right?) somewhere during the day and had a few grapes and a glass of milk for dinner. So far, so good. Accidentally bumped into my dad in town, when I was off to get the paper, and he asked me how I was doing. ‘Swamped’, didn’t answer his question (and truthfully, though  I really am swamped with deadlines, my head doesn’t seem able to read and think anyway) (Gosh, really Sooz, why is that you think!?). ‘No I mean, how are YOU doing? Been eating well?’. ‘Mm. Yeah really need to get back to work now dad. See you tomorrow or something. ‘ ‘You look well Sooz, really. See you tomorrow’.

God Sooz, you look well when you don’t eat. Your father just confirmed so. You see? This is good stuff. Keep it up.

Call my brother, he still has some stuff lying around I’ve been meaning to pick up for weeks. He’s home, having breakfast. It’s past six now.  Apparently he’s had a long, long night again. Smells like pot in there. He’s stoned again. ‘Yeah, just need to chill a little, yaknow?’ Chitchat. Off you go again. Ugh, what is that with not being able to sit still? On my way home I contemplate smoking a cigarette. Not that I smoke, but I always have a few cigarettes with me ‘just in case’. I remind myself I shouldn’t. Smoking is bad for your health.

No, not eating is entirely fine, darl. Gosh

Clean up the house. Dishes. Doghair. Jeez it’s everywhere! Take out trash. Hm, forgot that newspaper. Now what. Shops already closed. Try and work on that deadline now, please. Sit down. Ugh, need to open a window. Hm. Coffee. Okay, sit. Ah, four grapes. SIT, WOMAN! Migrant organisations with business-like orientations. Migrants have good food. What about that newspaper again? Hm, 8 o’clock news is probably on the radio.

Check mail. Hey, internet is working again. Good. Call friends for a drink. Everyone’s busy. Goddamn, need a drink for crying out loud. If I work through this page, I can have a glass of wine. Leftover anyway and otherwise I can throw it out later. Doghair. Didn’t I just clean this place? I need a cigarette. And damn, my back hurts. What’s up with that!

Okay, you need to focus now. It’s almost 22:00 and you haven’t done jack shit today. DEADLINES, SOOZ, DEADLINES. Prioritize now. Deadline or diet? Pick your battle. Okay, one slice of toast won’t kill me, and it might help me focus.

WHAT THE FUCK SOOZ, WHAT THE FUCK! Toast!? That’s ALL CARBS. What the fuck is WRONG with you?! Well, you might as well go all out now anyway since you gave in already. You feel that HUNGER? Yuck! When you give into it, it GROWS, Sooz. You should know that by now! Take a bite, finish the cupboard. EAT IT PIG!

23:00. Mom calls. ‘You okay? Hadn’t heard from you all day.’ Can’t keep my voice from breaking down. Can’t keep myself from doing the same thing right after. ‘Can’t come over, dad and I just had some wine. I hate it when you cry on the phone. Can’t you come home now? I can do your back, at least it might help you fall asleep?’ Can’t. Fucked up now anyway. Don’t deserve that. Don’t deserve any of that. See? You keep fucking up anyway. You can’t diet. You can’t pull of real life. You’re 23 and cry on the phone making your mom feel guilty for not being able to come over. Way to go. Very grown-up. Loser. Stuff yourself some more, then. Maybe the sugarcoma will make you fall asleep. At least you won something out of this day then.

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TRIGGERWARNING OVER. So yes. I still have bad days. And it’s exactly thàt I struggle with: Still having bad days. Hey, am I not supposed to be recovered by now? Recovered people don’t do this. Recovered people don’t have bad days like these. Errrrr, Sooz, really? Recovered people don’t have bad days? Wake up now. But at least they don’t act on bad days by restricting their food? No, true. Maybe not. They just hit their wives, speed across the highway, do ‘retail therapy’ or get drunk with friends. Or a combination. They eat a tub of B&J’s, smoke two packs, and a few more. Bark at the lady at the check-out line or wallow in self-pity in bed all day. Hey, Sooz, real life comes with shit-ass days, too. And everyone copes (or not) with them differently. It’s a learning process to find a (non-destructive, for anybody potentially involved, including the supermarket employee) way to get through them. We all have our flaws, and we all try to work on them. Yours is food. At least this was only just a day. A shitty one, yes. But just a day. Tomorrow is a brand new one, with breakfast awaiting and hopefully also productivity. And hey, your girls are coming over for dinner and drinks tomorrow. And dancing maybe? Ha, you see? It was just a shitty day. Tomorrow will be awaiting regardless.

How do you guys deal with shitty days? What are your triggers (stress? Or anger? Or boredom? ..?) and what are your pitfalls? And what, to you, have proven to be helpful tools or coping mechanisms? Do share, who knows we can learn something from each other’s’ craziness!

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15 thoughts on “Bad ED-day (as if good EDdays exist!)

  1. Angers definitely one of my triggers. If I get angry, look out food.
    My body doesnt cope well with anger without abusing food in some way, too much/too little.
    You constantly have to fight in recovery, every single day, when you have a bad day, it is NORMAL to naturally go back to abusing food when you are used to doing that. Dont beat yourself up. Its an automatic response.
    What keeps you in recovery is this:- Every time you fall down, you pick yourself right back up and start the new day over. This bad day is done now. Forget it. Walking a tight rope, sometimes people fall, only those who are experienced walk the right rope of recovery without thinking. We are not experienced. Being weight recovered does not in any sense mean you are fixed.
    Hugs lovely. Shoot me a mail if you ever need to vent. xxx

    • I do notice the ‘picking up’ part is a lot easier now. Or, maybe not easier, but I can do it within hours i/o days now. It sucks equally mucho. And I guess the experienced rope-dancers will get into trouble at some point too. Doing everything on auto-pilot will eventually get you into trouble to. You might function well on auto, but the world around changes as well, you know? If the wind changes direction, you’re screwed on that little rope.

      Hate them bad days though. Sucks. Mweh ;)

    • Thanks hun :) Hope you’re doing well!! (And no worries about not reading, thats why I put the warning in! I’d rather have you not read than let it screw up the day!!)

  2. Owww Sooz! Big hugs coming over your way.

    My difficult points are all of those above, definitely anger and boredom. Anger mostly. I guess I’m not so good at dealing with situations or feelings and use food to either over-stuff or starve. Not. Helping.

    You know you need to forget the food group rubbish, you need food. Any food. Protein/Carb/Fat/Sugar whatever, it doesn’t matter. Any sort of energy deficit has an affect, you proved that by not being able to concentrate so as hard as it is you need to keep going. I’m sorry you had such a tough day, but don’t be scared to call on your M&D, they’re there for you.

    You know where I am chick, email if you want to xx

    • I know about the food groups. Totally do. I need em all and I WANT em all. I just dont always let myself.

      And what is that with anger?! Like, seriously. If I get angry at, say, my brother for something stupid, it’s not like having a binge over it will change the situation. He wont even know for crying out loud! Its like, oh, I’ll teach you, I’ll binge my brains out for that!! And then it’s over and I’m like, WTF?, how is that supposed to impress him even the slightest bit!? So disordered, so messed up?!

      • God I’m exactly the same! An argument with my Mum will almost always lead to choco-fest.

        We make no sense. Actually scrap that, we make sense to each other so that will have to do for now! Won’t always be like this though Sooz, we’ll get a sense of normality soon I hope xx

  3. Gosh so many things can trigger stupid behaviours in me. Like anger obvs. But also seeing people because I always make mistakes. And work. And fear. Fear is a big one. Triggers are everywhere. Sometimes they trigger ED behaviours, sometimes others, but it’s all just a way of not dealing.

    Coping mechanisms for me are anything mind numbing that uses multiple senses. So for me, playing an instrument (touch, sound), or listening to music whilst colouring/drawing/knitting, making a cup of tea (change of environment so sight, and taste), lying down in some grass (sight, smell), curling up in bed with a dvd (sight, touch, sound). It never works for me if it’s just one sense, but sometimes I forget to even try these things and sometimes it doesn’t work, but sometimes it does. The more senses the better. Reading for me isn’t all that helpful as I get too distracted from it, but works for some people.

    Pitfalls are something I struggle to recognise. I’m always worse after I see anyone, and that’s hard because if I spend too long alone, I also start to get worse. But I really stuggle with how I seem to others so I guess that’s something I need to work on.

    I’m really sorry you had a shitty day, but it’s good you can rationalise it out the way you have and really think about it and know that it won’t always be like that. You’re doing well even if it seems like your flumoxed and unsure. I hope the bad days get less and less though. Obviously. And if you need to talk, obvs you can email.

    Oh and stay away from fashion magazines. In fact women’s magazines in general. For me at least, anything with diet tips is compelling and I want to try it. The best thing you can do is avoid it right now. If you like those magazines, try them in a bit when you’re feeling more collected.

    Love x.

    • I don’t really get bothered by the magazines though. Whenever ED pops up it ‘uses’ any excuse to ‘get me’ to my bad place, but it’s not the magazines that trigger it for me. Its anger, stress and anxiety that does.

      And WOW for your senses-thing. I never thought about that nor tried it!? How is it that it works better if you ‘occupy’ yourself in multiple ways? I would think that would make it too overwhelming, but hm, I guess I need to think about that one. Thanks!

    • I like that senses thing, I’ve not thought about it like that before. I’m going to try rolling around on the ground, smelling the grass while listening to my ipod and eating something all at once. That may settle me :)

  4. I’m so glad you said this is not very often – because it’s hellish! You deserve better and to be kinder to yourself. I wrote about my bad days a while back and it was pretty horrible too. It’s helpful at least for us to reread these posts when we are deluding ourselves into thinking that it ‘wasn’t all that bad back there’ when we are so tempted to go back. Truth is it gets worse.
    My triggers are anger.. I find it hard to admit that, because my whole life I have not been allowed to be angry – either by my family or now, but myself. So don’t want to be an ‘angry’ person. But it’s better to acknowledge anger and express it (healthily) than to deny it and turn it inwards on ourselves (ed, I guess, and other self destructive things). You are right that everyone has ways to deal with our triggers and our bad days and not all of those are ‘good’ in comparison with our ED, but still, we do need to find a way that doesn’t involve hurting ourselves or others or we aren’t going to last very long!
    Another trigger is definitely seeing people who look anorexic. I still struggle with that feeling of it’s not fair, I’m missing out, why can they do it and not me..
    And stress. And anxiety.
    You know what helped me, is someone who is recovered said “My worst days now are better than my best days when I was sick.” I hang on to that. It really is something to look forward to. :) xx

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