TRIGGERWARNING. This is what a nasty day in my head looks like. I do not cope well with stress. I out it in my easy distraction mode: Food. Or; no food, to be precise. Still, yes. But this is just an awful day. These are getting fewer and fewer. They are the minority of days now. And not just that; the happy days are growing steady in amounts. So please, read with that in the back of your head, or not read it at all. That’s really okay too. TRIGGERWARNING END at bottom: You can safely read on from there!! (I think..)
Well you read the article in Elle the other day right? About diet FACTS and ‘the ultimate tips and tricks’ to lose weight? And there was something very similar in Vogue last month, right? And I’m pretty sure there was something on it in that article online, too? And your cousin, who is now smaller than you even though she has given birth to two babies does one of those similar protein diets as well . Plus, you’ve been at your healthy weight for quite a while now, so who are you trying to fool now anyway? You can definitely lose a few pounds, that has never hurt a soul. So, off the carbs you go again. Yeah, yeah all those recovery blogs keep going on about needing all the food groups etc. but come on, if everyone else says differently, open your eyes, fool.
So, no breakfast today. And visitors all afternoon, so no lunch either. Squeezed in an apple (it’s just fruit, right?) somewhere during the day and had a few grapes and a glass of milk for dinner. So far, so good. Accidentally bumped into my dad in town, when I was off to get the paper, and he asked me how I was doing. ‘Swamped’, didn’t answer his question (and truthfully, though I really am swamped with deadlines, my head doesn’t seem able to read and think anyway) (Gosh, really Sooz, why is that you think!?). ‘No I mean, how are YOU doing? Been eating well?’. ‘Mm. Yeah really need to get back to work now dad. See you tomorrow or something. ‘ ‘You look well Sooz, really. See you tomorrow’.
God Sooz, you look well when you don’t eat. Your father just confirmed so. You see? This is good stuff. Keep it up.
Call my brother, he still has some stuff lying around I’ve been meaning to pick up for weeks. He’s home, having breakfast. It’s past six now. Apparently he’s had a long, long night again. Smells like pot in there. He’s stoned again. ‘Yeah, just need to chill a little, yaknow?’ Chitchat. Off you go again. Ugh, what is that with not being able to sit still? On my way home I contemplate smoking a cigarette. Not that I smoke, but I always have a few cigarettes with me ‘just in case’. I remind myself I shouldn’t. Smoking is bad for your health.
No, not eating is entirely fine, darl. Gosh
Clean up the house. Dishes. Doghair. Jeez it’s everywhere! Take out trash. Hm, forgot that newspaper. Now what. Shops already closed. Try and work on that deadline now, please. Sit down. Ugh, need to open a window. Hm. Coffee. Okay, sit. Ah, four grapes. SIT, WOMAN! Migrant organisations with business-like orientations. Migrants have good food. What about that newspaper again? Hm, 8 o’clock news is probably on the radio.
Check mail. Hey, internet is working again. Good. Call friends for a drink. Everyone’s busy. Goddamn, need a drink for crying out loud. If I work through this page, I can have a glass of wine. Leftover anyway and otherwise I can throw it out later. Doghair. Didn’t I just clean this place? I need a cigarette. And damn, my back hurts. What’s up with that!
Okay, you need to focus now. It’s almost 22:00 and you haven’t done jack shit today. DEADLINES, SOOZ, DEADLINES. Prioritize now. Deadline or diet? Pick your battle. Okay, one slice of toast won’t kill me, and it might help me focus.
WHAT THE FUCK SOOZ, WHAT THE FUCK! Toast!? That’s ALL CARBS. What the fuck is WRONG with you?! Well, you might as well go all out now anyway since you gave in already. You feel that HUNGER? Yuck! When you give into it, it GROWS, Sooz. You should know that by now! Take a bite, finish the cupboard. EAT IT PIG!
23:00. Mom calls. ‘You okay? Hadn’t heard from you all day.’ Can’t keep my voice from breaking down. Can’t keep myself from doing the same thing right after. ‘Can’t come over, dad and I just had some wine. I hate it when you cry on the phone. Can’t you come home now? I can do your back, at least it might help you fall asleep?’ Can’t. Fucked up now anyway. Don’t deserve that. Don’t deserve any of that. See? You keep fucking up anyway. You can’t diet. You can’t pull of real life. You’re 23 and cry on the phone making your mom feel guilty for not being able to come over. Way to go. Very grown-up. Loser. Stuff yourself some more, then. Maybe the sugarcoma will make you fall asleep. At least you won something out of this day then.
TRIGGERWARNING OVER. So yes. I still have bad days. And it’s exactly thàt I struggle with: Still having bad days. Hey, am I not supposed to be recovered by now? Recovered people don’t do this. Recovered people don’t have bad days like these. Errrrr, Sooz, really? Recovered people don’t have bad days? Wake up now. But at least they don’t act on bad days by restricting their food? No, true. Maybe not. They just hit their wives, speed across the highway, do ‘retail therapy’ or get drunk with friends. Or a combination. They eat a tub of B&J’s, smoke two packs, and a few more. Bark at the lady at the check-out line or wallow in self-pity in bed all day. Hey, Sooz, real life comes with shit-ass days, too. And everyone copes (or not) with them differently. It’s a learning process to find a (non-destructive, for anybody potentially involved, including the supermarket employee) way to get through them. We all have our flaws, and we all try to work on them. Yours is food. At least this was only just a day. A shitty one, yes. But just a day. Tomorrow is a brand new one, with breakfast awaiting and hopefully also productivity. And hey, your girls are coming over for dinner and drinks tomorrow. And dancing maybe? Ha, you see? It was just a shitty day. Tomorrow will be awaiting regardless.
How do you guys deal with shitty days? What are your triggers (stress? Or anger? Or boredom? ..?) and what are your pitfalls? And what, to you, have proven to be helpful tools or coping mechanisms? Do share, who knows we can learn something from each other’s’ craziness!