Last year for mother’s day I wrote my mother a long letter. A letter written through numerous sleepless nights, spent crying and sobbing about what I was putting her through. In the letter I told her that, if I could buy her new zest and energy, because I was her bottomless pit and using up all of it. But since I did not know where to buy such a thing, instead, I would give her a healthy, happy daughter back. That that was the least I could do.
And here I am, here we are, a full year later. And she still not has that healthy, happy daughter back. A full year of using up her energy. Of being her bottomless pit. A wasted year?
In some ways, yes. When I embarked on this journey of recovery (Jan. 1st 2012) I honestly thought I would ‘just do this’. Now I had realized something had to change, and that I was willing to commit to doing that, I thought I would just ‘snap out of it’ and ‘return to normal’.
Well, surprise, surprise…!
That’s not what happened. And from what I’ve learned since then; that’s not how it works. I had no idea, no clue whatsoever. I did not know what an eating disorder was, let alone did I understand what recovery meant. And I can tell you this much; I do not like surprises. So this ‘recovery-thing’ has been an arduous road thus far.
So, was this year a complete waste? Depends on what day you ask me, I suppose. Most days I will tell you that yes, the past two years of my life have been a waste. First I wasted a year on my eating disorder, and thus missing out on life. Then, I wasted a year on recovery. A recovery that, would I not have wasted that first year on an ED to start with, I wouldn’t have had to waste another one on recovery. Plus, what I thought would take me for about a month or so to ‘sort out’, has now lasted for a year and a half and I am still not where I want to be. I am still not back to my old me. Two years of letting life pass me by. Two years of not living my life. Two years of not being me.
But, then there’s the flipside. Whether we like it or not, life is not just roses and babybutts all the time. It comes with thorns and smelly diapers. Oh you know, the whole rainbows and putting up with the rain first. That’s how life works, to be able to appreciate the good, we need to experience the bad. I do realize how far I’ve come; from a BMI10, stuck in my own house, afraid to leave, scared of life itself and sleeping next to my mother while being 22 years old, to a 23 year old, at a healthy BMI, with a lovely home all to herself, almost ready for another 5 week summer trip with her dear old camera and backpack.
I could have done that without those two years wasted. Indeed, I prefer I had. But there’s no going back in time, we cannot change the past. Yesterday is history, today is a gift, tomorrow is a mystery. And yes, I do not like surprises, but in life, we should take it as it comes. Planning life does not work, we, little control freaks, should know that by now. We can plan all we want, but it never works out that way. So, we sit back and enjoy it as it comes, with all its smelly diapers. Because with those, we grow. With those, we grow up. We grow into being us (again).
So mommy, next year. I hope that next year, I can give you what you deserve..