Jupiter has arrived

[April 16th, 8:15]

So..

Something happened yesterday. Or, well, nothing really ‘happened’, but still, it did. Sorta. To me at least.

Yesterday I stepped on the scale at my parents place (I do that sometimes, silly me) and I saw numbers appear that… Well… Did not exactly tickle my pickle. A new high, but not so much to me, unfortunately. A new high in numbers, but a low low to me.

I now weigh MORE than my goal weight.

Oops

More than that, honestly. VERY BIG oops.

Not even panic.
Just… Numbness?
No: Hurt.
Pain.

I knew I’d grown. Nothing fits me anymore. I feel ginormous 24/7. But ai ai aiii. This was not anticipated. Nor welcomed. This is not okay.

So what do I do next? I have no idea. Only the thought of eating less or eating healthy fucks with my mind. It only causes overeating, because the second I think of having to watch my intake, some part of my brain goes; OMG YOURE GONNA DO THIS AGAIN!! WTF! EAT EAT EAT EAT EAT YOU WILL NEVER LOSE WEIGHT AGAIN!  So basically, I’m fucked. Even people around me (my parents, for instance) are really emphasizing I should not gain any more weight. But how the FUCK do I do that?! It’s what I do now. I eat. I gain. How the fuck am I gonna stop this train?! Whenever I even contemplate watching my intake, my mind completely overreacts into utter panic. Like it tries to prevent this from happening again. Since I fucked things up before so much already, it won’t let me do that again. But then, I can’t continue down this path either!

As you all know, I have no ‘team’, no ‘doctors’. And I don’t need a dietitian because I know that if I wanna stop gaining, I need to start eating less and defintely more healthy foods as of now. But like I said, that makes my head go into complete panic (and therefore bingeing) mode.

I also read somewhere that our bodies are three months behind on our current situation. It needs three months to ‘process’ your current lifestyle. Which would mean that for the next three months, I’m still in HELLA GAINING mode, which means A LOT more weight on its way. Which is, I repeat, NOT GOOD! And that’s not AN talk, that’s the numbers ánd the family also telling me this. So I know it’s not just my distorted view of things..

Anyone out there on the interwebs to HELP ME OUT! How the FUCK did I turn from a BMI10 severe anorexic to someone who needs to STOP gaining weight ASAP?! Help!

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10 thoughts on “Jupiter has arrived

  1. well.. i have never ever have i ever been close to bmi 10 (just the thought gives me the chills. how are you alive??) your body may be at a level beyond what mine has and even i relate to that “bounce back” feeling and the “must eat all the fooooooddddssss!” feeling. so that is normal. nice. i know. but normal and should be subsiding as time in recovery progresses.

    but i also want to add– if you have been binge eating/purging/restricting skipping meals….etc. the cycle. you get it. basically just effing with your food in general…that severely screws your body up. BAD.
    maybe the excess weight is “binge weight” — a result of excess calories, emotional upheaval that interferes with our physiological metabolism and of course crazy eating cycles which screws with our literal gutteral metabolism.

    just focus on stopping the binge episodes. everything else should fall into place.

    • I’m afraid it isn’t as easy as ‘ just stop the bingeing and everything will fall into place’. My bingeing is no longer lack-of-food driven and I havent restricted (I never threw up, ever) in a year now either. The gain is gain, wherever it came from, and it’s there to stay, forever. It’s not even the actual weight that freaks me out, it’s the fact that I know a lot more of it is coming. That plus the knowledge I’m now already past my goal weight (which also is my former normal weight).

      It’s not just anxiety or frustration, it’s real and acknowledged by others too. It’s here and I don’t know how to stop it/turn things around without fucking with my mind too

  2. Firstly, Sooz, BREEEAAATTTHHHEEEE. Calm. I’m trying to think how to phrase this so it makes sense, it might not, but bare with me.

    You are NOT huge. You’re just not. You feel it, you personally might think you look it, but you’re not. Remember what that girl said to you a few week back? Something about you having long legs, and you were slim? That’s an outsiders opinion.

    If a stranger saw you, they’d likely think you were the tall slim girl you are. Now you, and your family, have seen you when you were nothing more than bones so the way you look now IS drastically different, but drastically different in a good way.

    I know exactly what you mean about the no restraint, I don’t have it either anymore, I can’t NOT binge even if I try. But look, we don’t have our periods yet, we’re not finished. It sucks, big time, but we’re not finished yet. I don’t know what your BMI is now, but it may not be enough for your body to kick start just yet. I can’t advise how to stop the cycle because I struggle myself, but I want you to know I’m thinking of you! And numbers mean bugger all. Really.

    Love xx

    • I know I’m not huge. I know I’m not fat. I’m bigger than I’d like to be, but I know how to put it into perspective. It’s not that. It’s the fact that I’ve actually passed my goal weight. That I’m now even more than my pre-ED average. Which wasn’t years and years ago when I was 13 or something. ED hasn’t determined my weight for that long, really. And it’s also the fact that my parents (who really are just being honest) are stressing the fact I really should not gain more. That I should start to excercise as a first major change (I have never excercised in my life, not pre-ED and not during ED either. I am one lazy mofo). They stress that I ‘should not head straight to the other side of this spectrum’. So I KNOW it’s not just my EDbrain distorting reality. It’s real. And I can live with my current body. I won’t love it. I won’t even like it. I’ll forever want to change it and lose a few. But I cannot stand the thought of it growing, still. Yet it will. I know it will because I cannot change it. I have absolutely no idea what to do next nor how to do it. I know I still haven’t had my mensies, which is weird, because I had them from very young (I was 13) when I was bullied for the fact I was so damn skinny (I grew incredibly fast heightwise. Used to pass out on the streets etc because my body couldnt keep up with things. From 10-14 I always carried dextro-sugars to up my sugarlevels when I felt these spells coming. But even in that state I had my period. So I cannot understand why I still didnt have them yet now)

  3. It’s so rubbish :(. Really really rubbish.

    Who set your goal weight? Is it based on BMI or what you were pre-ed? I don’t have a goal weight, because I know it would be higher than I’m happy with and I’d feel exactly the same as you if I exceeded it.

    I honestly don’t know what to say to make you feel better because I feel exactly the same, it seems we’re in a lose-lose situation at the moment. Maybe take a trip to the Doctors to see if there’s another reason for your period not starting again? If you’re at a healthy weight and have been for a while, it might be worth getting checked out. I think your parents are probably worried about how you are mentally with the weight gain rather than how you look physically, but I don’t know how to go about maintaining never mind losing weight after anorexia. I don’t think I can change my habits either and don’t know what to do about it, so I’m sorry chick but I’m useless for advice.

    Sending hugs and understanding your way! xx

    • They were already commenting on not gaining anymore before I found out I had exceeded my goalweight, so before I was slightly off and flabbergasted. Like I said, I wasn’t even all that anxious/sad/mad etc, I was more shocked and hurt than actively upset.

      My goalweight was based on my former average. I saw an ED specialized doc at the beginning of recovery and she said it would be a (long, faraway, but ‘nice’) goal to (someday, ever) achieve. She was slightly sarcastic though, as I said, I was a BMI 10 at that point and I don’t think she was quite convinced I’d ever get there, let alone this fast. Which leads me to the doctors thing. Maybe I SHOULD go check it out, and Ellie stressed that as well. I think I might agree, but I haven’t had a check up since Jan 3rd last year, which was also only a minor check up at the ER of the hospital after which I immediatly discharged myself and never went for a check up again. I hate doctors and I am terrified of needles. I have no idea about any bodily/functional stats whatsoever. Plus I really don’t want to go see my GP. He knows I’ve been in recovery but.. I basically think he’s an absolute morron for never saying a word about my ED (even before I was (self)diagnosed). So yeah, big rock on the road to doctorland there..

      • That’s the thing, though… your goal weight was based on your FORMER AVERAGE. pre-ED, you were still in your teens. Growing. You hadn’t yet reached your set point, our weights will prob only stabilise around age 25, which you haven’t reached yet.. hence.. that goal weight is probably not an accurate marker of what your body really SHOULD be. You said yourself, you were really skinny before because you were growing so fast at that time. You technically are still developing, this goal BMI the “specialist” used- that was just something to work towards to in the future, and truthfully, you were probably so emaciated at that point she wouldn’t have thought you would survive to get this far ( and you HAVE- SO in her face, gurl!!! you show the world you’re a fighter!) , so any number woulda done. and that was probably the minimum weight she’d used too- just enough to be barely healthy. any higher and you’d freak out even more, and it’d seem even MORE unachievable… lower, and well.. you wouldn’t be surviving very well, would u? and your parents- they’ve never seen actually seen you at a stage where you’ve fully developed- so they’re not used to what you look like now-give them time, the goal is to look and more importantly – BE and FEEL healthy. I for one want kids one day.. i’m not gona f*** recovery up. ( then again.. maybe it’s not a bad thing- what if my kids wind up as neurotic as me, eh? :P)

        But yeah…. definitely get a general health checkup. and from a GP you’re comfortable with. good GP’s are hard to come by- find one with special interest in ED’s? would be good to get a bone density scan and hormone levels and the likes.:D hehehe.. gives you a different ( more positive!!) set of numbers for your ED self to obsess over.. :P

  4. Hugs. My darling, this is a good thing. Something to be absolutely proud of. :) You are gaining health and vibrance. Numbers are just numbers. It is how YOU feel as a person and how you are living your life being alive! <3 Love you.
    P.S. sorry for never commenting! I didn't realize that I hadn't subscribed by email to your posts :(

  5. Pingback: When the good turns bad and ugly « THE WORLD OF CHAOS IN MY HEAD

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