[April 16th, 8:15]
Something happened yesterday. Or, well, nothing really ‘happened’, but still, it did. Sorta. To me at least.
Yesterday I stepped on the scale at my parents place (I do that sometimes, silly me) and I saw numbers appear that… Well… Did not exactly tickle my pickle. A new high, but not so much to me, unfortunately. A new high in numbers, but a low low to me.
I now weigh MORE than my goal weight.
More than that, honestly. VERY BIG oops.
Not even panic.
I knew I’d grown. Nothing fits me anymore. I feel ginormous 24/7. But ai ai aiii. This was not anticipated. Nor welcomed. This is not okay.
So what do I do next? I have no idea. Only the thought of eating less or eating healthy fucks with my mind. It only causes overeating, because the second I think of having to watch my intake, some part of my brain goes; OMG YOURE GONNA DO THIS AGAIN!! WTF! EAT EAT EAT EAT EAT YOU WILL NEVER LOSE WEIGHT AGAIN! So basically, I’m fucked. Even people around me (my parents, for instance) are really emphasizing I should not gain any more weight. But how the FUCK do I do that?! It’s what I do now. I eat. I gain. How the fuck am I gonna stop this train?! Whenever I even contemplate watching my intake, my mind completely overreacts into utter panic. Like it tries to prevent this from happening again. Since I fucked things up before so much already, it won’t let me do that again. But then, I can’t continue down this path either!
As you all know, I have no ‘team’, no ‘doctors’. And I don’t need a dietitian because I know that if I wanna stop gaining, I need to start eating less and defintely more healthy foods as of now. But like I said, that makes my head go into complete panic (and therefore bingeing) mode.
I also read somewhere that our bodies are three months behind on our current situation. It needs three months to ‘process’ your current lifestyle. Which would mean that for the next three months, I’m still in HELLA GAINING mode, which means A LOT more weight on its way. Which is, I repeat, NOT GOOD! And that’s not AN talk, that’s the numbers ánd the family also telling me this. So I know it’s not just my distorted view of things..
Anyone out there on the interwebs to HELP ME OUT! How the FUCK did I turn from a BMI10 severe anorexic to someone who needs to STOP gaining weight ASAP?! Help!