The hell-hole called life

I just realized how all-defining my binges have become. Or, are. And always have been. And I didn’t ‘just’ realize this either. I’ve known it all along and I’ve even become a religious abuser of this knowledge.

My binges are all-defining for my entire day, my feelings, my selfworth, my happiness, my pain; My binges are defining my life. And not in a yay!-kinda way.

When you read the available information about bingeing during anorexia and during recovery, you’ll read about it not actually counting as binges, since it is just a (fast) aid to help you plough on. To repair the damage done. 
Also. when you read about ‘other’ sides of anorexia, other than (non)food-related I mean, you’ll come across quite some stories of selfharm/self-injury, low self-esteem, etc. Somehow my ED has found the perfect mix; self harm through (non)eating. Where first bingeing would mean a week without a bite to eat as a punishment, soon I found out that the binges itself were an even ‘better’ way of punishment themselves. Where the restriction caused  ‘highs’, the binges lead to lows. Deep lows.

 When I ‘discovered’ this, the nasty side of me started to make use of this information. Where binges would ‘normally’ be followed by restriction, now they were followed by even more binges. Multiple times a day, every single day, for months. The binges caused physical pain, litterally making me incapable of joining in in real life. But they also caused a lot of emotional pain. They lowered my already tiny self-esteem even further, crippling me down to a little sorry mess of nothingness. I would not be able to go outside anymore, see friends and family, join in for dinners or parties, go to Uni or even to go for a walk with the dog. I was unable to do all of this, simply because I was no longer able to even stand up straight from the pain, but also because I was so deeply ashamed of myself I could not face the world outside that hell of my kitchen.

And therefore I wouldn’t. I would stay in, alone. More and more alone everytim it happened. And more and more ashamed. And thus I’d do what I deserved; be punished. And so I binged. Again. Leading to more pain and shame. Which needed to be punished, again.

Days turned into weeks turned into months. Now, more than half a year later, I physically do not look like the girl I was when I realized bingeing was my number 1 way of successful self-harm. But also emotionally I feel more messed up than ever.

I do not know what I wanted this post to lead to. If anywhere. I just needed to write it down. I know I need to change this, because if I continue down this road, there will be nothing left of me. People now see a healthy girl on the outside, whereas I am shattered within. I need to find way to cope. But in order to do that, I need to believe I am worth searching and finding coping skills. Right now, I don’t. I feel like I deserve this punishment, over and over and over again. And it is destroying me, in every way. I WANT this to stop, I WANT to be able to live my life. To become me again. I WANT to WANT to do this, but right now, I’m stuck in my self-created hellhole. Even if I can locate the exit, I’m not sure if I can let myself open it. Who am I to deserve whatever is behind that door? Who am I to deserve anything other than to live the mess I created myself?

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8 thoughts on “The hell-hole called life

  1. you know EXACTLY who you are deep deep down inside. you know “she” is in there. you know it.

    and she? is all things beautiful and amazing.
    just hold on to hope and know that this will get better. you’ve beaten your eaten disorder on so many levels…this is just another level.

    you CAN get the binges under control and get back on track. as soon as you decide to make baby steps in that direction (when you have no motivation) i GUARANTEE you — you will begin to find that motivation as your head stabilizes, chemicals get in back in balance and your spirit and soul and mental stuffs start to clear. because binge eating and/or not purging SCREWS us all up.

    PS- email soon promise just WORK!!!!!!!!!! Season ends next Monday so after that my time will be all mine again. blogging, emailing, etc. (0:

    • Thank you Melissa <3

      I know its not about the chemical imbalances anymore. My 'need' to binge urges are gone pretty much entirely. I just force it upon myself as a way of denying myself a way out. A life worth living. Even if I do make (fun) plans etc, I'll do something to mess it up (binge the night before so I will physically not be able to go out due to pain etc). Sometimes even unconsciously, but a lot of times consciously as well. I need to make myself believe I am worth more than this, but somehow, I haven't been able to. Even though I know I love my life when I do all these fun things, and I feel tenmilliontimes better and on top of the world, I simply do not let myself. And it is so weird, because I WANT it, but I don't let myself have it?!

      Looking forward to your mail :) Sending you some energy for the last few rough days!! Love, Sooz

  2. You know what, whenever I’ve tried to come out of restriction before, Ive always lead to bingeing, and continual bingeing, and I would hate it so much Id end up back at restriction, and then well, diagnosed bulimic (this is why I was scared the first time it happened that I would go back down that road). I totally get what you mean r.e the self punishment. I feel like I still deserve to feel like crap, and eating normal makes you feel not as crap, and this is hard to deal with.
    The pain of bingeing is horrid. Totally horrid.
    You, Sooz, are a human, and a lovely human, with a beautiful personality, you deserve just as much, if not more, than the next human.
    You have helped me so much, and you didn’t have to. That’s what makes you, who you are, and you deserve some happiness for being so lovely. xxx

  3. You absolutely, catagorically do not deserve punishment. You absolutely, catagorically do not deserve any of this. You did not “create” an eating disorder. It sucks and it’s unfair and it’s horrible, but you did nothing to create it or deserve it. It’s an illness that no one deserves. Same way no one deserves cancer. Standard.

    I belief that you can, and will get to grips with all this. Right now, you may well be over your pre-ED weight, but your body isn’t functioning optimally right now so probably needs a little more food, so it’s not likely the binges are physically bad for your body.

    Mentally though, I know it can be harder. It’s horrible when you look healthy and suddenly it feels like nobody can see how much you hurt. I’m right there with you. My negative coping mechanisms are different from yours, but I struggle finding ways out of them too. Because if I don’t have them, what else do I have? Sometimes I feel like I’ll fall apart without them, so it kinda feels like perverse care in a way. Does that make sense? Anyway, you and I both can and will find ways out of these spirals. It takes time and patiences and practice and a whole lot of acceptance when things don’t go to plan, but the motivation and skills needed to find healthier alternatives will come with time. At least I believe that can be true. It needs work though. Lots of hard work. Which is rubbish.

    One thing is for certain though. You have nothing to be ashamed of. Nothing. You did nothing to deserve this, none of it is your fault and you are trying to get through it as best you can even though it can often feel worse than slipping backwards. There’s nothing to be ashamed of there. Nothing.

    So sorry you’re feeling rubbish right now. I hope you can feel ok soon. Feel free to email if you need more space to vent.

    Love x.

    • Thank you SO much Ellie.

      I know deep down I don’t deserve this. That this is a disease. I tell that to others. But somehow it simply doesn’t go for me, you know? I did do this to myself. I created this mess.

      When I started recovery, I litterally told my mother that my worst nightmare and fear was that I’d recover physically but continue to be a mess on the inside. My nightmare has come true. It is truly just that. Everyone’s so happy to see me healthy, they completely forget there’s someone inside here too. Which is why I wrote the other day about people telling me I look good and it hurting me. It’s not because I think they’re saying I’m fat, it’s just because people telling me I look good doesn’t mean anything to me when I feel so crap.

      Now on my way to see my bestie though. First time since Christmas. She’s gonna be shocked as hell to see me, so Im now chowing down a bar (yes, an entire bar. Not a single pack size bar, no, a huge one. Entirely) of chocolate to calm my nerves. oops……

  4. Big hugs to you Sooz x

    I’m finding it hard to add anything to the comments above, because they’re all right. You will get out of this rut, you’ve come this far already and you’re bloody strong. I hate the fact that because somebody looks ok the outside they’re magically cured, we all know that’s not the case. You can be weight restored and still as damaged on the inside.

    You know where I am if you need me, but I have to say you didn’t ‘create’ the mess, and you bloody well deserve the best. Really. xx

    • Like I replied to Ellie, this is my nightmare. I HATE that I didn’t recover on the inside lik I have on the outside and I don’t know how to fix that. It feels impossible to do..

      Thanks for the comment though. Greatly appreciated. Seriously :) Thanks

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