Today I am mourning

(Warning: Contains pictures. Very sexy indeed.)

This morning I was mourning.
I am mourning what I lost by gaining.
I am mourning the body that used to be mine.

Like with every death, I am mourning the fact I now have lost if for life
I am mourning the fact it will never be mine again.


This morning  I woke up mourning.
I woke up crying. For four hours straight.
First in front of the mirror, then in the shower.
I let the shower cry hot drops of tears with me.
Sharing pain means halving it?

My throat is swollen and soar.
My eyes are puffy and red.
My voice is raspy and uncertain.

Throughout the day, when I forgot I was mourning, it would catch me off-guard.
Sudden flashes of pain and emptiness deep inside my soul and heart.
It ushered to remember me; today, I am mourning.

Today I am mourning. And tomorrow life will go on.
Evn though it will never be the same now I’ve lost something for life, death is, indeed just that; part of life. We live, we mourn, we live on. We sometimes need ot to remind us of life’s preciousness. Death calls for mourning, but life is worth celebrating.

Pants on fire
Fit = FAIL


Apparently quite a few of us were struggling. So this is just a liiiitle (not so much!) reminder you’re not alone. I, too, have exploded. To say the least. NOTHING fits me anymore, not even my old stuff. And it hurts. Yes. Especially since I’ve still not had my period. And so I cry. But there’s more to life. We mourn, we remember, but life goes on. And so that’s what I’ll do.. Tomorrow I’m back celebrating life. In a size larger than life. Though I haven’t had the courage to buy jeans that size yet, it’s on my list for next week. I do hope this puts things into perspective for you all as well.. You’re not the only ones gaining..

(And secretly I’m now having a laugh that these are the first pictures of me I’ve posted. I swore I’d never post pictures because I did not want anyone to recognize me. Ha. Kudos for the one who does from these! &You’re welcome for the mental image.  of my undies  At least they’re cute?)


13 thoughts on “Today I am mourning

  1. Oww Sooz :(. You would not believe how much I can relate to this post! It sucks that there’s still no period party yet, but the hard work will pay off don’t you worry. (Easier said than done I know, because I’m worrying too!)

    I too had a melt down about clothes yesterday/this morning. I ended up going out for a meal with my flies undone because the button & zip won’t do up any more. I had to wear a belt to cover the button & hope that because we would be sat down nobody would notice. I held my coat in front of me when we went for drinks afterwards! Classy lady yes? I laughed it off at the time, but this morning I just cried and cried and cried. That has NEVER happened to me before, there’s usually an argument or something to turn on the tears but there was nothing, it shocked me. One minute I was ok, the next I’ve made a bloomin’ lakes worth of tears. How silly are we?!

    Tell you what’s REALLY good from this post though, “it will never be mine again”. That’s a good thing. A really good thing. That body was dangerous and may not have lasted very long, this new and improved bod will see you through.

    Get making that jeans pillow lady xx

    • There’s gonna be more pillows than couch I’m afraid.. The jeans pictures above were only JUST starting to fit 2 months ago. Now I really had to make an effort to get ’em up this far and they are NOWHERE near being able to close as you can tell… It happened so fast. I went from ‘ah, you’re finally starting to grow legs’ to this in a month. Like, WTF?!

      But indeed, I know, I will never fit into these again. I have so so so much stuff now I need to ditch. Gosh. I really don’t understand though why I’ve even outgrown my pre-ED stuff now. That really makes no sense. It fit me fine 3 years ago?

      • I know :(

        It’s hard to be upbeat about it when inside you just feel mortified that you’ve outgrown so many clothes. From a month ago, some of it may be water weight, the remainder is probably genuine growth (muscle & fat) and basically, it’s necessary. Horrible, but necessary.

        Are you going to chuck them? I really need to throw mine, I did throw one pair but feel strangely attached to clothes which I will never fit into again. That’s bad I know, because as long as they’re there, it’s a reminder of how much weight has been gained & horrible temptation.

        I’m not sure how old you are, or how old you were pre-ed? If you’re bigger now than you were pre-ed you may have grown physically rather than just gaining weight. I’m sure I read somewhere that while you’re under 25 the skeleton is still changing and stuff?

        I know it’s only a snap shot, and it won’t make any difference to the way you feel, but what I can see of your legs is incredibly slim! Wouldn’t mind a set of pins like that myself! xx

  2. Oh thats the pic hun, dont let it get to your head.
    Its why I was apprehensive about the pictures. But I did think it showed that ED is not just in my head when I say I gained actual FAT. It’s there. To see and to touch. Lovehandles, bellyflabs, touching thighs, wobbly upper arms and all

  3. Mine too :(. I hate the ‘swish’ noise when my jeans/trousers are rubbing.

    Sorry Sooz I really want to turn this round and make you feel better, show you there is a bright side to this…but I don’t know what to say.

    You are healthy now. That has to be worth it, buy bigger clothes and try to make the shopping trip as enjoyable as possible.

    Hope you’re ok lovely x x

  4. I was going to reply to this last night, but waited until this morning, when I was in a better place, because I wanted to give you my full attention. (You deserve nothing less than my full attention on this post).
    I agree with what miss cakes has said, “You are healthy now. That has to be worth it, buy bigger clothes and try to make the shopping trip as enjoyable as possible.” that sounds like a good idea. Perhaps try out some new looks so that it’s “new”. I had bartered with the idea of getting the exact same clothes in the next size up for when I get there, but I decided that when I get healthier I will give myself a whole new look, and have a make over and change my hair colour. So then, when people say to me I look different, I can tell ED that they are on about my new look, not my weight gain.
    I can fully empathise with the clothes growing and the thighs touching. It’s one of the things I am not looking forward to most (and one of the things that has led me to stop getting better in the past). But, I have decided that I want to be healthy and to be able to eat dolphin-nose potatoes without so much guilt and I want to enjoy them, more than fitting into kiddy sized clothing and more than air between my legs.

    When I saw these pictures, Sooz, I felt immediately proud of you. I don’t see any wobbles, or “fat” or “fail”, I see the god-damn hard work you’ve put in to recovery, and that is really something to be admired for, and I do that, admire you.

    Hugs dear Sooz xx

    • Ha I don’t have a style.. Mix and match a lot. Though there’s definately ‘typical Sooz’, it doesn’t fit into a certain category.
      It’s just that the wobbles and lovehandles (WHO ever thought of that word!) etc just sorta ‘crept up’ on me. It really feels like it happened over night. It’s so weird, I’ve been gaining for more than a year now, but somehow the weight has now stabilized but my body has decided to expand. I don’t know. It’s mindfucking. But I know, and respect (that really is it, don’t love, don’t like, I RESPECT) the fact that I will not go back to this weight and size ever again. Just now happening. I don’t even think it’s POSSIBLE, my body is now so ‘aware’ of any possible EDfucking it just over-compensates before I ever even get to ‘act’ on ED. Strange (and scary, and incredibly useful) how bodies work! They are amazing things, those bodies of ours!!

      And KEEP UPPING, so you can post a pic of your sexy ass ASAP as well ;)
      (Its the strangest thing I did post these but never my face hahaha. I feel like an internet freak!)

  5. It’s funny. I think me and you (you too cake) are all in pretty similar parts of the recovery process. All of us worrying about being exactly the same size as each other. Telling each other it’s fine. Waiting on our periods. Telling ourselves it’s awful. It’s ridiculous.

    Literally, all of this is so similar to how I feel but you know what, you’re not even big. Neither am I, but I can’t see that.

    The way you write about yourself, I’ve been thinking you were way bigger than you actually are. Seriously. You talk about your body as if it’s factually huge in such a way as if to infer you never doubt it. Like saying how your eating too much and weight gain isn’t an issue etc. The facts are, your still smaller than average (yet taller than average) and don’t have a period yet so probably need to gain more weight. Seriously, your comments and this post have shocked me. I really want you to see how much your body image is distorted because it makes me sad. I know my image is distorted so I can’t talk, but I honestly didn’t think yours was all that much because you write in such a matter of fact way. You convinced me with your certainty. Please get that what you’re percieving and what’s actually true are two entirely different things.

    You’ve outgrown your pre-ED clothes because bodies change. Your body isn’t the same as it was three years ago because you’re three years older. You have three years of natural change to jump into. That might mean different fat distribution, being heavier etc. It might also mean that your body needs to overshoot it’s normal range slightly to fully heal and that once healed, it’ll go back to where it wants to be without restriction. You cannot possibly know what it is your body really wants till you’ve fully physcially recovered, so all you can do is wait it out.

    Honestly though, I am right there with you. I hate myself growing out of clothes and out of sizes. Hate it. So much. But I do and I hope that once I’m healthy and have a chance to get used to my body, I won’t hate it so much. I know it doesn’t feel like it but it’s one step closer to healthy, so defos a good thing.

    And remember, whilst your there crying, so am I. We may all be being stupid but at least we’re stupid together. So cry, and feel rubbish. It’s a horrible feeling. Just try to remember that it’s not how you percieve it. Impossible sometimes I know. It is actually a good thing though. It’s normal to hate it, but that is just a symptom. Non-ED people don’t mind all that much getting bigger if it meas they can reach a healthy body. It’s the ED part that makes it so traumatic sometimes.

    For now though, we grieve. Because we’ll never see those bodies again.

    Hope this finds you well x.

    • I don’t think reality and ‘my’ reality are too different though. I realize I’m not fat, I just HAVE some fat now. And it’s gotten there INCREDIBLY fast. I don’t do any excercise at all, ever, so it’s all just… flabby fat. No muscles no nothing. Like I said, I know it’s not BEING fat, it’s HAVING it. I can put it into perspective. For me. it’s just a lot.. A hella lot. And the fact I don’t even fit into my pre-ED stuff now anymore is too strange. I was well into my 20’s when ED hit so it’s not like my body changed all that much anymore..

      Actually, the fact we’re in similar stages of recovery does help. A lot. When I stand in the front of the mirror bawling my eyes out, I can sometimes get myself into ‘what would I say to Ellie now’-mode, and sorta snap out of it. Or at least put it into perspective better. Not that I’m loving the thought of you standing in front of a mirror somewhere bawling your eyes out too but you know what I mean ;)

      I just feel so incredibly huge right now. I’m bigger than I’ve been in years, I don’t fit into stuff I did when I was heavier than this AND I’m already a BFG of hight as well, so I’m just massive all around now. I just feel SO BIG. Ugh.

      Hope you had a happy easter! Mine involved a lot of food, alcohol and chocolate. Woi oi oiii.. I don’t remember that Easter was ever a thing to celebrate here (we’re like A-religious) but somehow it’s become ‘normal’ now to have LOADS of food and drinks for any holiday in todays society?? Messed up shit. So Imma roll into bedz now. Thanks again for the support. Love your reasoning to my blabbing!

  6. “Tomorrow I’m back celebrating life.” :D

    Sweetheart.. some things are not worth mourning. Remember, yes, but not mourn. To mourn is to cling on. And it’ll just drag us back down again..

    Scrunchy said a lot of true things though.. “you’re not even big. Neither am I, but I can’t see that.” 3 years ago, you were ( and still are) at an age where your body is still developing. Your jeans aren’t gona fit because its still finding its way to distributing itself .. hopefully with some nice curves for a special someone to cuddle, eh?

    SO many of us in this together. i’ve just sorted out half my clothes today since I’ll be moving soon. Tomorrow, I’m taking all those clothes that don’t fit anymore to a charity bin and say good riddance. I can’t afford to, and WILL NOT go back. Even though part of me wants to cling on, hence not even jean pillows/handbag for me! What I AM keeping though are photos of me at my worse. The ones that actually horrify me. TO remind me never to go back there..So cry if you must, then toss it all away and never look back.. too much more to discover in the future!

    Til then.. lets just all give our collective (new) arses a big kick ahead, eh? :D Cos that’s what friends are for.. looking out for each other. literally! since we can’t see our true healing bodies for what they really should be… HEALTHY.

    take care!

    • It did really feel like grieving though. I really really cried. Like, from the tip of my toes. Heartache and all. But I moved on. I did not let it get to me like I used to. I normally would have stayed in for days and not allowed myself to do anything fun because I didn’t ‘deserve’ it. Thats no longer how it works. I move on more easily every day. That’s good.

      Hope you had a lovely easter. And yay to discount easter chocolate shopping next week! ;)

      • *grin* you know, all you peeps? I’m looking FORWARDS to having my bloody thighs touch.. See.. I briefly dabbled in POLE DANCING a little while back.. and O.M.G. i discovered that its near IMPOSSIBLE to stay on the pole if your freaking thighs don’t touch, because obviously.. all that air in between the pole and your bones? sliiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiide………smash. ow. gripping the pole upright was hard enough, can you imagine trying to go upside down? not to mention it bloody hurts without any padding between you and the pole. and those “love handles?” – absolute must to wrap around the pole to get a grip…

        hhehe.. so.. what say, you peeps? get a pole! :D does wonders for a little body curve lovin….sexy sexy sexy….. !

  7. Pingback: Ventriloquist « THE WORLD OF CHAOS IN MY HEAD

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