I gave up

I gave up on AN.

Somewhere these past few weeks I gave up on the urge of going back to restriction and the urge of letting AN in again. The thought still surfaces every now and then, but the drive (&even desire!) to let it take back over has passed. I had gotten so damn tired of it. Now, even after a binge, I just continue my day. I don’t ‘make up’ for things, I don’t let ED ‘sort it out for now’. I let it be.

Because, really. I’ve been there, done that, bought the Tshirt and it no longer fits.

I also discovered I gained 5k more. Which means I’m now back to my old weight. A weight I haven’t been for…. 3 years? Hm. Yes, it also means I stepped on the scale again (I was at my parents’ house and gave in to the damn thing again..). And yes, I admit, I freaked out. I also fit into ‘those jeans’ again. The one I was most certain of I would never grow into evereverever again. Not just because I didn’t WANT to grow into them again, but really because I thought I would never be able to gain THAT much. Ever. And yes, I freaked me out some more. But now I bought a top to go with it and I’ll be wearing them to a party with a whole lot of people I haven’t seen in quite a bit tonight. Yes, that makes nervous. Especially since the party is of a dear friend moving to the States, and his entire soccer-team +more guy friends will be there, and I will be going alone. But I also know it’ll be okay. It’ll even bring me some approving guy-nods. And they’ll be drunk like shit, so probably, it’ll bring me even more than approving nods. And even that’s okay. I’ll just grin and pretend to like the new (= old) body too. I’m already getting used to it, who knows I’ll someday get to appreciate it too… Who knows.


12 thoughts on “I gave up

  1. GOOD FOR YOU. It seems contrary to what we naturally want to do, but the best possible thing for healing is to strive for as much balance as possible.

    It’s REALLY hard to do. My heart is with you– you are brave and amazing :)

    • The party was exactly what one would expect from a party with 30 drunk 26-year old guys (and three girlfriends. Or, as my friend called them, not-so-girlish friends, since they were quite… countryside soccerteam approved as well) haha…
      But I had fun, I know quite a bunch of ’em and I love their down to earth, blunt-y humour. Totally suits me

  2. I just keep reading the http://www.gwynetholwyn.com/ blog and the forums…I ate ALL my calories today per usual (no exercise per usual) and tonight i ate like 500+ cals before bed (bag of grapes, bowl of nuts and nuts, full cup of yogurt,, 45 grams of dark chocolate, a lot of jam, granola, etc…i feel SO bad cause I keep binging and people keep telling me Im making my digestion + constipation worse this way…and I never purge (yucky to me)…so of course i just sit, etc all over again…i keep trying to do each daytime “perfect” and efficient and only binge at night…end up the next day in so much digestive distress..i feel i need a few good days of “clean” eats…how do i escape the cycle? are these binges really bad? how do i recover from them? i am in so much cramping and gas pain now :(

    How long did it take you to gain the weight? Did you exercise? I haven’t been. I’m very short , need to gain about 15 to be good I guess. I want to get this done NOW, how fast is too fast? I don’t want to gain wrong and swing the opposite direction :(

    • Dear Katie,
      I’m not active in the forum world so I’m not very able to help you out on giving you helpful websites, but you could try and check out; http://www.gwynetholwyn.com/blog/2011/9/14/why-is-bingeing-not-bingeing-when-you-are-recovering-from-re.html

      It took me more than a year to gain 22 kilo’s, which is a lot. That being said, I was extremely underweight to start with and now at a healthy weight again. I still deal with binges, but they are less frequent and also less overwhelming, since I now know better how my body will deal with the consequences of them (the pain, the ‘hangover’, the cravings, etc). But, with reaching a healthier weight, the bingeing became more controllable. Therefore I do think it’s important to gain the weight back at a good pace, the sooner, the better.

      I did not excercise and still don’t. Never have, really. And I have never purged either. I have had periods of wanting to ‘eat clean’ as well, but I dismissed this, knowing that it will only be a way for ED to grab hold again. I do not need to go back there. So, for me healthy eating also means bunches of chocolate, candies and pizza, and no compromising. If ED grabs hold again, it will conquer more ground before we realize it, and that is no longer an option.

      Please, hang on. Don’t give up the fight. No matter the size of your binges, try and continue eating your regular meals as well. Do not compromise on those. It’s the only way to get yourself back into some sort of routine/pattern again. You will slide into calmer water when you reach a healthier weight.
      And never be afraid to reach out for help.

      Be strong.
      Love, Sooz

  3. I came here because I found a referral through my own site and it’s made my day.

    “…bought the Tshirt and it no longer fits.” — I simply want to wear a T-shirt that actually says just that.

    A lovely and inspiring post. Thank you, Gwyneth.

    • Hello Gwyn!

      Thank you very much for you kind words. They mean a lot.
      Your blog could have eased my mind tremendously when I started recovery almost a year and a half ago (oh my, it’s been that long already?!). I had no ‘team’ to guide me through, and I was completely lost in what was ‘recovery-normal’ and what not. Unfortunately I never ‘discovered’ your website until someone pointed it out only recently, but your words were still reassuring to say the least. It’s an arduous road, this recovery path, so any help is deeply appreciated. Thank you for that.

      Love, Sooz
      PS; Been there, done that, bought the Tshirt? Not as easy as it sounds, finding a Tshirt ‘there’, when you’re way below mainstream retail sizes! ;)

  4. I’m wondering though.. how do you know if you’re bingeing or if its part of normal overeating? I’m constantly wanting eat whatever is around, and don’t feel like stopping even when I’m full. If I’m free I’m jsut constantly eating and eating, especially at night when I’m home by myself in front of the computer until I either run out of food or am too sleepy to eat anymore, in which case, I’ve wasted a whole lot of time just eating and then going to sleep rather than getting work done.. And I’ve never calorie counted either, so I have no idea how much I’m consuming, to be honest, just because I dont’ know how much calories are in what!! Should I be having more control over how much i’m eating or have fixed meal/snack times?

    • Hi Min,

      I’m sorry I haven’t replied to your email yet. I currently don’t have internet at my place (recently moved) so I’m way behind on catching up on my internet-things! I’m now in a train with internet but for too short to write you a sufficient mail.
      I just wanted to say nothing in life is ‘normal’. It’s all relative. (I sound like I just smoked a spliff, right?). I never counted calories either, neither did I ever follow a meal plan. I do regret the last now, mostly because it would have helped me tremendously to at least develop some sort of pattern/schedule/rythm again. After a year of not eating, my hunger/full signals were completely off so a schedule would have been nice. And it would have made restricting (or, as my AN called it, ‘balancing out the binge’) a lot harder. So maybe trying a mealplan isn’t a bad idea?
      And when is bingeing bingeing and not just re-feeding anymore? I think you’ll be able to tell better when you’re back at a healthy weight. So try to get there first, it will be a complete paradigm-shit, I promise. I’m not saying once you hit the magical healthy numbers all of a sudden you’ll be cured of all the eating-madness, but you will be able to put things into perspective a bit better. And the bingeing will change with every step you get closed to your healthy weight.

      So, don’t give up. Keep fighting and kicking EDbutt!
      Love, Sooz

  5. Pingback: Pro-Ana II « THE WORLD OF CHAOS IN MY HEAD

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