I know I know, I just told you guys I don’t have internet right now and here I am again, but I decided to spend the night at my parents’ place last night & today, because I was feeling like crap and need to do some serious Uni stuff (&need internet to do so). Yeah, blogging wasn’t part of the plan. So I’ll try to stop the procrastination right after this, but just hold on a minute.
I still really wanna write some posts about stuff that has been on my mind lately, but I’ll do that at a more convenient time. Right now, I just need to share the most stupid, silly and random thing that just happened to me.
I was getting dressed in my parents’ bedroom, and they have this full mirrored wall. Kinda creepy, right across their bed and all. I’d scare the living crap out of myself if I had to see myself and my shadow in that mirror in the middle of the night when sneaking out for a pee, but nevermind. I was getting dressed there, putting on my signature outfit (which, is not really an ‘outfit’, nor a ‘signiture’, it’s just a lame, comfy bunch of fabric really..) which is tights of some sort, a black miniskirt and a black shirt (+black vest). I know, pretty goth right? Since Í’m staying in, sick, I decided I might as well put on my old, baggy, paint-splattered sweater. And while I was wiggling into my clothes I noticed something; my bum. Like, a bum. Hellooo, hi bum, where’d you come from? Whoa guys, my bum’s back! Even though boobs are still M.I.A. (But then again, I’ve never been known for any ‘curves’. My best friend’s dad used to call me ‘Tubular Lighting girl’ because I looked like a white, shapeless stick (thanks Brian!)) but still!
but he looks like he’s having fun with his TL-light!
And you know what? I sorta liked it. The bum. Some shape back. Also, the other day when I was walking my dog, I felt my jiggling legs/lovehandles/belly. Yugh. And people have been keen to tell my that my legs/thighs are finally starting to show again (as apposed to the serious sticks they were before, there’s now actual leg-shape in there). And.. Well, although I HATE the jiggly feeling…Hmm… Maybe it’s really not all that bad. I really do hate the flubbers, but you must know I have NEVER in my life set foot in a gym. I didn’t even have to do PE in highschool because of a knee-problem I had for years. So the only excercise I ever had (even when deep into ED!) was walking to the fridge and up the stairs to bed. So toning things up… Well, I think it’s been on my resolutions-list for about 23 new years in a row now. And I’m unsure it’s ever going to happen (though it’s on my current resolutions-list, again..).
But all of this aside; I think I might be okay with having some forms/shape/figure back. Especially now the bloating is coming down a liiitle since I haven’t binged in 4 days (knock on wood!). I like me a bit of a bum. And some legs. So I can finally fit into my jeans again (though I hate wearing them, the fact I can FIT into them again without it only being able to close around the belly and then just hanging loose around my ass and legs) is a good sign. And I really don’t want big boobs, they don’t suit me. My best girl friend has an Fcup and I’ll let her rock that shizz (she does it like no other!), I would like sooooome boobie back, though. BUT, I also fit into some my old bra’s again. So also, that’s good.
The point of this post? I don’t think there is one. I was just a wee bit flabbergasted (OH! That was my FAV English word I learnt in highschool!) by the fact I wasn’t really bothered with what I saw in the mirror this morning. And also, though my ED has never been about numbers, when I started recovery, the weightgain (or, the possible weightgain!) would freak me out so much, I even brought a scale with me on a 4day skiing trip with my family. I know, that’s pretty pathetic.. So the fact that I moved out without taking a scale with me is quite a reassuring thought as well.
Tell me guys, how are you all doing? And how do you feel about your current body, your old one and your goal-one? I do not have the guts to post pictures on this blog (yet..) but the ones who have tracked me down on FB (I’m sorry, I will not add you as I’m not yet ready to mix my blog with my daily life) know that most of my profile is public and I have never shunned from deleting pictures of me when at my sickest. I find it quite disturbing nonetheless to see.. It amazes me how I thought I wasn’s all that skinny back then. I know I’m not (yet) at my highest weight ever right now, and I’m honestly not sure if I’m really ready or willing to go there again, but I’m already quite pleased with being okay with the gained bits thusfar. And no, this is by far not yet the time to stop gaining. Onwards and upwards we’ll go..
So, hey, maybe I’m finally on a road to something? (Again, knock on wood!)
(PS, sorry for the ramble. I’ll stop it now and see if I can get some actual WORK done….)