Feeling feelings

They say fat is not a feeling? Well, in my world it is. And the feeling has been omni ever present for about two weeks now. And it.ain’t.pretty.

It’s confrontating enough to be around my friends that I haven’t seen in six months because my BF was studying abroad. They keep telling me I look ‘so much healthier’, ‘almost like I used to’ with ‘shiny red cheeks’ again. I know they mean well, I do. I thank them for applauding it. But it’s tiny tiny jabs into my hurt soul. It stings. I silently weep, yet thank them.

And that’s not all. The jeans I didn’t even fit into wearing six layers of tights underneath half a year ago, don’t fit me anymore. I can’t get the zipper closed. It hurts. More mentally than physically. But it’s another very confrontating stab at the heart. And you want moooore? I feel it. I feel it blubber when I’m on the bus, on the train, driving around, being dragged across the field by my pooping puppy, when wabbling up the stairs, and even when dancing in the pub. More hurt there. I know the world has real problems. I know my fatfeelings are more than silly, irrelevant and completely misplaced in comparison to other people’s REAL struggles. And yet it is on my mind. Constantly. It keeps me up at night, it’s on my mind during the day, it keeps me from focussing in class, it keeps me from reading my literature, it keeps me from letting go and having fun; it hinders me every single second. I just can’t understand why it has come this far. Me being sick was never about wanting to lose weight, I didn’t even own a scale until recently! So why is recovery hitting such a brick wall (or, fort?!) when it comes to these layers of female curviness? Oh the feeling of this blubber!! I had gotten so used to the bones. Not that I liked it. I hated that emaciated body. But after gaining 15k I felt quite alright for a while. That was quite some kilo’s ago now. It’s all over the friggin’ place now and NOTHING FITS anymore! It is SO humiliating to not own any clothing anymore that fits, let alone that I feel even slightly comfortable in.

And still I binge. Because I don’t know any other way to handle my feelings more effectively than by doing just the thing to make it all even worse

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9 thoughts on “Feeling feelings

  1. My thoughts are with you so much, I remember that transition phase all to clearly. The comment from people meaning well, the one way to huge cloths now far to small. Not being able to reach down and feel the bones on my ribs. I’m going to tell you what a really good friend said to me when I was really struggling after getting out of treatment. He said, “Tara you are not fat, you simply are not used to this healthy body.” I took up yoga again, went shopping for new cloths and began to embrace the “new me” basically it is like going through puberty all over again and yes it sucks and its hard, but it is worth it. I still have bad days too, but its OK you are on the road to recovery still emotional healing often takes so much longer than the physical. And the problems you are facing ARE real, the emotional struggles run deeper than how you expressed them physically. Keep up the good work focus on taking care of your mind and body, and take time each day just for you! <3 Hang in there…things will get better.

      • you are not a sorry mess, you are a girl who is struggling and finding her way. Slowly but surly step by step you will become the person you desire to be, and hey this time you will be that girl with a whole lot of wisdom attached to her as well <3

  2. I’m with you on the fact that fat is most definitely a feeling. I feel it all the time. It’s physical and emotional and absolutely skin-crawlingly horrible.

    You’re problems are not insignificant or irrelevent. Not in the slightest. It is a REAL struggle. Struggles aren’t comparable on some sort of scale. Your problems are yours and only you experience them so cannot possibly judge how much they effect you in comparison with the problems of others. Struggles just aren’t comparable.

    Firstly, buy clothes that fit and you’re comfy in. They don’t have to be expensive. I literally by most of my clothes from charity shops and I don’t think I dress bad. It’s so much better then beating yourself up over what fits and what doesn’t and just making yourself feel bad.

    Secondly, don’t expect to be comfortable and happy with your body right now. That takes so much time. As the above commenter said, you have to get used to living in a new physcial space. Only practice will let that happen. Give it time and you will get there.

    Finally, you will totally be the girl you want to be again. Give it time. Recovery is a lengthy process. Patience will get you there. Don’t push yourself too hard or beat yourself up over what you haven’t achieved yet. You have to find out who you are and what is important to you and that can take sucha long time. All you can do is accept that this will be the case and keep looking after yourself.

    Feel better x.

  3. I have no words Sweet Girl, because you so poignantly explained exactly what recently happened to me. I know what it is like to be trapped by the fat….terrified.
    Like you are burning alive…….tortured.
    They say stick it out. I did … for as long as I could.
    Then something took over.
    Do me a favor and don’t let what happened to me happen to you. And if it does? Be open with yourself about what is happening.

  4. I know this is a while ago, but I can so relate to it. Logically, I know I am thin still, yet I feel fat. I hate sitting down and having something to pinch. I tell myself ‘fat is good, the body needs fat reserves for when I’m ill/ insulation etc.’ However I do feel like I’m walking around in a fat suit!

    Keep on writing my lovely, reading your posts help!

    • I am glad my rambles, rants and shitty days can make sense to others in a good way every now and then. And you just made my day by leaving this comment, because it was a shitty night&morning. Thank you for that!!

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