They say fat is not a feeling? Well, in my world it is. And the feeling has been omni ever present for about two weeks now. And it.ain’t.pretty.
It’s confrontating enough to be around my friends that I haven’t seen in six months because my BF was studying abroad. They keep telling me I look ‘so much healthier’, ‘almost like I used to’ with ‘shiny red cheeks’ again. I know they mean well, I do. I thank them for applauding it. But it’s tiny tiny jabs into my hurt soul. It stings. I silently weep, yet thank them.
And that’s not all. The jeans I didn’t even fit into wearing six layers of tights underneath half a year ago, don’t fit me anymore. I can’t get the zipper closed. It hurts. More mentally than physically. But it’s another very confrontating stab at the heart. And you want moooore? I feel it. I feel it blubber when I’m on the bus, on the train, driving around, being dragged across the field by my pooping puppy, when wabbling up the stairs, and even when dancing in the pub. More hurt there. I know the world has real problems. I know my fatfeelings are more than silly, irrelevant and completely misplaced in comparison to other people’s REAL struggles. And yet it is on my mind. Constantly. It keeps me up at night, it’s on my mind during the day, it keeps me from focussing in class, it keeps me from reading my literature, it keeps me from letting go and having fun; it hinders me every single second. I just can’t understand why it has come this far. Me being sick was never about wanting to lose weight, I didn’t even own a scale until recently! So why is recovery hitting such a brick wall (or, fort?!) when it comes to these layers of female curviness? Oh the feeling of this blubber!! I had gotten so used to the bones. Not that I liked it. I hated that emaciated body. But after gaining 15k I felt quite alright for a while. That was quite some kilo’s ago now. It’s all over the friggin’ place now and NOTHING FITS anymore! It is SO humiliating to not own any clothing anymore that fits, let alone that I feel even slightly comfortable in.
And still I binge. Because I don’t know any other way to handle my feelings more effectively than by doing just the thing to make it all even worse