It is so silly I manage to advise others on things that I am completely messing up in my own life at the same time. I’ve never had trouble planning, thinking, rationalising, understanding, etc. Just the actual commiting and putting all of that into action is where I screw up. I know what I shoúld do, I can vocalize it to others, I just can’t seem to do it myself.
The past month and a half has been absolute horror to say the least. I started to live my nightmare, the actual one I was most afraid of when I started recovery; Looking healthier (and therefor everyone assuming I’m doing good/better/best!), yet being more fucked up inside than ever before (and still not having the guts to ask for help). This, I tell you, is not a good combo. It’s not that I liked looking like an absolute Zo(e)mbie/skeleton, it’s just that, when you do, people at least don’t expect you to feel good&happy either. They tend to be a bit more… easy on you. Yet, lóoking better than before, people assume you’re actually dóing better as well. When in fact the absolute opposite is true, it is all the more frustrating, and this basically keeps this vicious cycle of down-ness going.
Luckily, I had a bit of an unplanned intervention (-You gotta love how things can work out every now and then!). First up, the lovely Melissa reminded me of how angry I really was with this whole sitution. I tend to ‘get used’ to this overall feeling of crappiness and that makes the cycle-breaking even harder. To realize how fed up I actually really was, made me more willing to fight back. Secondly, I hit (another) rock bottom. That’s when I exploded; I needed action, now.
The thing is, I’ve been living with my parents for exactly a year now. I had my own place, which I lost due to juridical circumstances. This had nothing to do with me being sick, but, the reason I moved back in with my folks, did. I could have gone looking for a new place, but they offered (or, sliiiightly forced) me back in with them and I willingly (or, well, sorta) accepted. They have been nothing but supportive, trying their best, and I definately haven’t made their lives any easier for the past year. I will always be thankful for this. This, along with quitting Uni for half a year and picking up one of my old jobs which I aaaabsolutely love for the past summer, helped me get back on track a little. December was just absolute crap and it started to completely overshadow the entire year. I needed a fresh start. Not out of ungratefulness towards my parents, but darn it, I’m 23 years old and I too need some space to breathe (and so do they!). A while ago something crossed my path (I wasn’t even looking!). This something turned into me now having an amaaazing appartment (no, HOUSE!) in the centre of town. It’s old, it’s dirty, it’s more-than-antique and it needs a lot of work, but it’s mine for the next few months if I want it. And I’m jumping into this opportunity. Yesterday I started cleaning and I will be doing so for the next few days (like I said, it’s diirrrrtay!), and hopefully by the end of this week I can make it into a little home. It still needs new plumming and that will take another few weeks but I can shower somewhere else and blablah. I just need this. I want this. I hope I can do this.
I want to do this extremely carefully. It’s within short distance (15min. drive) of my parents’ place and only a few metres (!) away from my little brother’s place. I need to be extremely careful not to turn this into an ED-hellhole again (either ED, I don’t want this to become a place to binge my brains out 24/7, nor a place where I sit and wait in hunger). I hope I’m ready, but the timing couldn’t have been any better.
My little soulmate also reminded me the other day that coming monday is Chinese Newyear. Gong xi fa cai! It hadn’t even crossed my mind. Luckily I have my homecrew to remind me of all the things I’m missing out on. My new year itself (and the resolutions along with it) had been complete failure. I had already started hating this year of 2012. But this gave me a new perspective on things. Even though, ofcourse, Chinese NY isn’t exactly something celebrated here in Holland, back in my heart-homecountry it is. So, I’m celebrating another new years somewhere next week and I’m staring with a clean slate. Fresh start no. 2! And even better; It’s the year of the dragon, and guess what my Chinese zodiac is? Yup! I’m a dragon and it’s the year of the dragon. So be warned, this is gonna be my year!
So, thumbs up for fresh starts. And for creating a new safe haven. If anyone’s got some cool DIYsuggestions/decorations/moodboards/home-style stuff lying around, do share! What’s your style? What makes home a home to you? What can’t you live without?
PS: Tonight’s the first night in 2 months I’ve stayed home alone and not binged. However sorry that sounds, at least it’s a start. And every story has a start, right?