I have wandered so far off my path, I’ve gotten so deep into this quicksand, I have no idea anymore how to drag myself out of this mess and head back into a new direction.
I went from being the thinnest, thinnest thing in the world to a full-on binge monster. This is not ana-bingeing anymore. This is not my body screaming for nutrition. This is just litterally eating my brains out. Drowning my emotions, numbing my feelings, eating away the sanity. There is nothing left of the girl I used to be. Of the girl I wanted to be. Of the girl I thought I was becoming again. Where did she go?
Needless to say, my 21day plan went down the drain. It completely backfired. I have been on a constant binge for days, weeks, if not months now, and I can’t seem to break the cirkle. Every single day I have to wake up with a new ‘plan of action’, and all the good intentions that come with it. It never lasts more than an hour or so. My binges used to last for about 2 hours, and they were of the foods I didn’t allow myself to eat otherwise. I don’t have these silly rules anymore, so I am not deprived of anything. My binges now last days and days and days in a row, without restriction or purging, and with only the worst of foods. Also needless to say is that I have been gaining endless amounts of weight. It’s everywhere. All over. Nothing fits anymore, and I no longer recognize the body I’m stuck in. I don’t want this. I really, really don’t. But I can’t control myself, not even for a bit.
I used to be scared to leave the house because of people’s reactions when seeiing me. Back then, I didn’t even look human anymore. This alian, emactiated, stickthin figure, with clothes and boots wobbling around, all many sizes too large, with eyes wide open, glaring into the world without any connection with reality. Now I no longer leave the house because I’m scared of myself. Not of my body, but of the person I’ve become. I don’t feel like me anymore. I couldn’t care less about my body right now, I just want my life back. I spend days and days locked in my own closet, eating and eating untill all I feel is the physical pain. Emotions don’t stand a chance when your mind is running wild over hatred and disgust with yourself, when your head is about to explode due to the sugarhighs and lows and highs and lows and highs, and when every single muscle aches from all the crap your putting your body through. I no longer even have tears left to cry. And I have never purged, but there’s one thing that can make me gag, and that is the thought of myself.
It has become a destructive cycle; I’ve become something I loathe so much, my life has become such a shameful lie, that I just continue because I’m too afraid to step outside anymore. I wake up wanting to have a nice life, but then realise how disgusted I am with myself and what a mess I am, that I just start bingeing to forget. It’s what I do anyway. I even cancle on the few friends I have left because I can’t face them anymore. And going out and having a good time mught be the ony thing that can get me out of this mess. I don’t know what to do anymore. All I can do is hide in shame and chaos. Not even at my deepest of ana was I ever this down. This lost. This unhappy. I have gained 20 kilo’s in a year,. Everyone said it was what I needed to do to start living again. But my lows have never been this low and the highs have never been this absent. I am an epic failure and the past year has been a complete waste of time, energy and concerns not just for me, but for all those people in my life. Why am I always able to dig a litte deeper after falling back flat on another lowest low? The first cut is definately not the deepest, it is after learning how to use your knife properly when you also learn how to do the most damage. There are just not enough bandages left to fix me anymore. How many brick walls, rock bottoms and black holes does it take?
I wish I had better things to say than this, but what’s the point of journalling when you’re being dishonest?