Just dig a little deeper

I have wandered so far off my path, I’ve gotten so deep into this quicksand, I have no idea anymore how to drag myself out of this mess and head back into a new direction.

I went from being the thinnest, thinnest thing in the world to a full-on binge monster. This is not ana-bingeing anymore. This is not my body screaming for nutrition. This is just litterally eating my brains out. Drowning my emotions, numbing my feelings, eating away the sanity. There is nothing left of the girl I used to be. Of the girl I wanted to be. Of the girl I thought I was becoming again. Where did she go?

Needless to say, my 21day plan went down the drain. It completely backfired. I have been on a constant binge for days, weeks, if  not months now, and I can’t seem to break the cirkle. Every single day I have to wake up with a new ‘plan of action’, and all the good intentions that come with it. It never lasts more than an hour or so. My binges used to last for about 2 hours, and they were of the foods I didn’t allow myself to eat otherwise. I don’t have these silly rules anymore, so I am not deprived of anything. My binges now last days and days and days in a row, without restriction or purging, and with only the worst of foods. Also needless to say is that I have been gaining endless amounts of weight. It’s everywhere. All over. Nothing fits anymore, and I no longer recognize the body I’m stuck in. I don’t want this. I really, really don’t. But I can’t control myself, not even for a bit.

I used to be scared to leave the house because of people’s reactions when seeiing me. Back then, I didn’t even look human anymore. This alian, emactiated, stickthin figure, with clothes and boots wobbling around, all many sizes too large, with eyes wide open, glaring into the world without any connection with reality. Now I no longer leave the house because I’m scared of myself. Not of my body, but of the person I’ve become. I don’t feel like me anymore. I couldn’t care less about my body right now, I just want my life back. I spend days and days locked in my own closet, eating and eating untill all I feel is the physical pain. Emotions don’t stand a chance when your mind is running wild over hatred and disgust with yourself, when your head is about to explode due to the sugarhighs and lows and highs and lows and highs, and when every single muscle aches from all the crap your putting your body through. I no longer even have tears left to cry. And I have never purged, but there’s one thing that can make me gag, and that is the thought of myself.

It has become a destructive cycle; I’ve become something I loathe so much, my life has become such a shameful lie, that I just continue because I’m too afraid to step outside anymore. I wake up wanting to have a nice life, but then realise how disgusted I am with myself and what a mess I am, that I just start bingeing to forget. It’s what I do anyway. I even cancle on the few friends I have left because I can’t face them anymore. And going out and having a good time mught be the ony thing that can get me out of this mess. I don’t know what to do anymore. All I can do is hide in shame and chaos. Not even at my deepest of ana was I ever this down. This lost. This unhappy. I have gained 20 kilo’s in a year,. Everyone said it was what I needed to do to start living again. But my lows have never been this low and the highs have never been this absent. I am an epic failure and the past year has been a complete waste of time, energy and concerns not just for me, but for all those people in my life. Why am I always able to dig a litte deeper after falling back flat on another lowest low? The first cut is definately not the deepest, it is after learning how to use your knife properly when you also learn how to do the most damage. There are just not enough bandages left to fix me anymore. How many brick walls, rock bottoms and black holes does it take?

I wish I had better things to say than this, but what’s the point of journalling when you’re being dishonest?

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14 thoughts on “Just dig a little deeper

  1. Sorry you’re feeling so rubbish right now :(. Are there any friends around for you to call on for some support? I know you said you cancel on them, but I’m sure if you opened up they might understand?

    You shouldn’t feel bad about not writing about better things, after all , it’s your blog! If you’re feeling crappy sometimes writing and talking about it does help. I’m here if you want to moan!

    • I am blessed with friends and family to share whatever with, if I’d have the guts. I have a huge brick wall around me, self-made. And when I need others the most, I tend to make the wall even bigger. I cannot face them right now, as I am too embaressed of the mess I am/am in.

      • You’re lucky that there are people there for you. If you knew one of your friends was feeling as shitty as you are right now, wouldn’t you be there for them no matter what? I know it’s easier said than done, I’m just as bad at approaching people for help/advice myself but know if my friend was feeling as you are I’d want to help in any way I could.

        Once when I was feeling particularly crappy, things were getting to me and I’d had an arguement with my family, I wrote on a gift card explaining exactly what was wrong and how I felt. It really really helped because I felt stupid saying anything face to face and for some reason when I have something to say it never comes out right, so by writing it down, I could make sure it all made sense and could take my time over what I said.

        It may not work for everyone, but it’s a suggestion x

  2. I really like the gift card idea! That’s so nice. I mean it’s not nice, but I duno, sometimes it’s easier to write.

    It’s really good that you’re getting these thoughts out there, but maybe right now you do just need extra support. That can come from anywhere – just having someone to talk all this through with. One thing I can say is that when I struggled with b/p tendancies, talking about it with my family was to only thing that helped. Practically, they could help me prevent binge behaviours because they were alerted to them, and psychologically, I realised there was a lot less to be ashamed of. Secrecy only perpetuates the cycle of bad food habits. Having people around you know the signs and know when to step in to help you can only help you to feel more at ease around food.

    You can get to a point where food doesn’t create any mental tension, but that takes time and a lot of active recovery work on your part. You have to learn to trust others and most of all yourself. I think that can happen, but it takes time and practice.

    I hope you’re feeling slightly better x.

    • I just need to step out of this cycle. Story of my life really..
      But I have just decided that I’m moving out. Currently living with the folks and it’s just me being stuck in a reeeeally bad, destructive routine here. I need to switch things up. Make changes. So yeah… Need to create my own little safe haven again

  3. So okay, this is where you are today. This is your life. And, no matter what life is wonderful as it is. What I mean is that I am standing here and helping you to remember that deep down “you are you”. A person. The most valuable you. No one else can replace you.

    Now the past is gone. So you have gained. If you can just find that tiny boost, tomorrow can already be better. You can find the weight where you are healthy and feel good. People have done it. I am on my way. It is hard, but I think we have no choice. But to recover from ana, binging, overeating… all nasty things that wreck our lives as beautiful beings!

    Please dear, write me soon! I care about you so, even if I have never met you in person! (Thank you for that little message on Tue!) You have so much support to give. Love ‘ya fighter sis!

  4. Hi, I”m going through the EXACT same thing. Binging bigtime. But I DO NOT purge or exercise. I’m just way way overeating. You’re not alone…so chin up.

    It is a process.

    • Hi there! Sometimes it’s really helpfulp to know we’re not alone… How did it start with you? Any thoughts on the matter? If you ever feel like you need to vent, just shoot me an email or so :)
      Keep fighting! X

  5. You are ABSOLUTELY not alone. The exact same pattern happened to me– severe restriction to unbelievable bingeing.

    I’m not sure if this is helpful, but I honestly think that it just takes TIME. People with EDs in particular tend to look for the quick fix– the easiest, fastest solution– and expect themselves to be successful.

    That’s not how recovery is. But. You, and I, and all of us will get through. Life is long. We are on the road.

    • I know there is no quick fix. We didn’t get this far overnight, so we can’t return overnight either. But I never, ever thought it would take this long. Life is long, but I’ve already wasted so so much of it, which I’ll never be able to get back. This road seems to be endless and nondirectional!

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