Losing lust and love for life

I wish I could post a new Wednesday Wisdom here, but I can’t. There is  no wisdom in me left. And no desire to go looking for it anymore either. I have hit rock bottom, once again. The past month has been horrendous. Absolute horror. There has not been one single day without binging, most of them even including multiple binges. For a month straight. I’m a mess. I can’t seem to get my mind straight. I can’t seem to focus. And right now, I can’t even seem to care anymore. I’ve have lost all lust for life. Right now I should be at Uni, taking an exam, but I’m sitting at home completely frustrated with myself. I didn’t study for my exam because I couldn’t focus. And therefor I binged even more. Which made the chaos in my head even bigger, hence, another binge follower. Again. Again. Again. And everytime again I realize what I’m doing to that poor body of mine. I wonder why it hasn’t stopped functioning yet. I can’t believe it’s still working after all I’ve put it through. And when it’s finally calming down, I do it again. No oopsy cutesy Britneys there. I am destroying myself. Sometimes I wish my body would indeed just give up. At least that would calm things down. At least then the horror’d be over

Last night, I spent the entire night sleeping on the cold, hard, wooden floor next to my puppy. She cuddled up right next to me, licking the tears from my face and the blood from my fingers. And all I felt was guilt for interrupting her sleep. I wish I knew where to go Christmasshopping for some renewed spirit, because this is no way to end the year. I have lost my love for life. I have lost my lust for life. For I am completely lost in life.

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4 thoughts on “Losing lust and love for life

  1. Life happens.
    Shit happens.
    And you’ll get through it.

    There’s truly a reason you’re alive right now and you’re going to make a positive difference in this world. You’re going to get through this rough spot- the best thing about hitting rock bottom is the only direction you can go is up. You’re a strong girl and you’ll show ED who’s in control. Sure, we all have rough points in our life… but there’s not time like today to start changing for the better!! Sending lots of hugs your way!! <3
    -Jules

    • Somewhere I know all this, you know? But sometimes you just cant seem to get a hold of your reasonable mind. And then again, how many rock bottoms does one need? Isnt enough enough already?
      But I managed to do okay yesterday. So feeling slightly more hopeful about today.
      Thank you for your kind words (And hugs, nothing better than hugs, even if only digital!)
      Love, Sooz

  2. How precious that you left me a comment on my blog! So you have been reading for a while. How awesome is that!

    Your words were so kind and clearly from your very heart. This made my day:)

    I binged (with no vomiting) from 15 to 29 years old. I was so ashamed of it. Words cannot describe how ashamed, but I think that you know. Then, somehow I changed and got more and more anorexic, being at my worse in the summer of 2010. (On my honeymoon trip, great huh!) I still fear that I’ll start binging out of the blue. So when I eat up to feeling “a bit more than I wanted to be full” I get anxious.

    I want to say to you that you are not alone and that talking (or writing) these things out with people you trust is of utmost importance. I believe in getting better one moment and day at a time. Small little victories and new beginnings. I know I binged or restricted my food out of feelings of frustration, disappointment or low self-esteem. I am trying to find new ways to deal with these things, without engaging food.

    I’d love to talk more with you by email so feel free to contact me, if you’d like!
    Hugs!

    • I can’t puke either. Want to sometimes, but can’t. But this is all in my recovery from anorexia. I’ve waaaay passed my lowest lowest lowest weight, and at first, the binging was very much a cry for food from my body. I dont want to scare you, but when you’re ready to let go and start feeding yourself properly again, well… Be warned. Things can get nasty. I’m just now at this crossroads of binging/restricting/eating properly yes/no etc. and its HARD. Its all the voices at once, instead of just the anorexiavoice. Its confusing and mostly very tiring. And yes, binging has also become a new way of coping. Where at first it was restricting into numbness, I now use binging to do the same. Both times verrry hurtful for the poor old body…
      Even though its not really an encouraging story I just told you, I do sincerely hope you’ll (soon?) give it a go, because the anorexiavoice aint that great either. We’ll get there. Right? We will..

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