I did it.

Or… It happened…?

No, I did it. I actually did it. Today, for the first time since, – yeah,- since when really? Today, for the first time since months the scale spelled out the horrifying magical numbers: 40.2. Fourty. Unfortunately. Fourty. Im back at the big four o. (88lbs). I know I should be proud. Heck, I am proud! But on the other hand: it scares the living crap out of me. Especially since it happened today, a day of constant cravings and eating. One day of (over?)eating and my weight skyrockets. That sorta makes having similar days like these a scary thought. What if I’ll always gain 3k on an eat-all-you-want-day?  Thats not good. Thats not healthy. Thats scary! Thats ED talk. Because, -WAKEY WAKEY ZOEY!- thats not even possible! So now Ill have to keep reminding myself of that. For the next couple days Ill have to keep reminding myself of the fact I wont gain 3k a day, and that its really okay to gain anyway. (Wow, I just almost wrote a poem!) I am finally on the right track. Not really yet when it comes to eating like a normal person (ie times/routines/habits), but I am on the right track gaining-wise. And thats what everyone wants anyway. Theyd rather see me gain weight than develop a normal eatingpattern. I’d rather see it the other way around, but lets just hope the normality will grow with the weight?

You have no clue about the amound of anxiety this number creates in my head. And what do I do when anxiety hits hard? Yep, I eat. I binge. I gained too much weight, which causes anxiety, and my way of dealing with it is to eat even more. Makes sense right? Especially for a recovering anorexic… NOT! But at least it will speed things up.. Too bad it isnt exactly healthy for the mind..


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